My elderly aunt is quite reclusive, although she gets herself to the store and doctor appointments by herself. We try hard to include her in special outings (though she often begs off at the last moment, I'd say 90% of time). When she does agree to come, unfortunately she tends to dress like a bag lady -- we're talking not just shabby clothes, but severely ripped T-shirts (her bra often completely visible), stained (though clean) pants, and shoes that are absolutely falling apart. The problem really isn't hygiene as she keeps herself and her laundry quite clean. Nor does she seem attached to one particular "outfit." It's just that everything she chooses to wear is full of holes.
We give her new and used clothes as gifts - the sort she likes (T-shirts, jeans, etc) and also gift certificates to local clothing stores she can easily drive to - but she never wears them. My sister has stopped asking her to things because she's embarrassed to be seen with her. On at least one occasion, my aunt's entrance into an ordinary restaurant caused murmurs.
My aunt doesn't seem to notice (or care) that anything is wrong with what she chooses to wear... and consistently won't wear the things we give her... any ideas what we can do? (oh, she's also very sensitive and you never know when bringing things up will cause her to stop answering her phone for weeks...)
At some point try to go through her closet and pull out torn, stained shirts and pants. Tell her you will mend them and return them. After you leave find one of the donation boxes that turn all the unusable clothes into rags or toss them out.
She will ask about them, maybe, just tell her you have not finished mending them.
Eventually she will forget them.
My husband began to wear the same clothes each day. He would lay them out and just pick them up in the morning and after a shower (thank goodness that was never a problem) he would put on the dirty clothes. Rather than argue about it or make a big deal of it after he went to bed I would pick up the dirty clothes and replace them all with clean clothes. He never said anything about it, nor did I. It was not worth the time and energy to argue about it.
My attitude about appearance has shifted as I gain a greater appreciation of those in their 80s. I feel the most important priority for the aunt is the safety of her person, safety within her home and her personal safety as she moves about in her community. After safety, I see her dignity and self-worth as the next highest in importance. I wonder if she would be less reluctant to attend family events if the aunt knew people wanted her to attend regardless of her appearance.
The poster might remind her aunt, in the gentlest way possible, about appropriate clothing for occasions when appearance is truly important, such as medical appointments and extremely important family occasions. Otherwise, if her clothes are clean, she should consider letting her aunt be her own person.
As several posters noted, it is hard to grasp the impact of the Depression on aging persons' behaviors. Most of us cannot grasp the extent of the scarcity and the seemingly unending nature of it. The Depression era was a formative experience for many. Children worked in victory gardens, collected scrap metal and did without because it was required of them.
The poster should enjoy her aunt's company while she still has the opportunity to do so.
Some clothing my Mom would give to me to donate I had to toss away as there were too many rips and stains. My folks were very fugal and thankfully they were as the money they saved was a lifesaver when it came to paying for senior living.
Your Aunt probably feels people are more important than what they wear. If she has a great personality then the torn clothes will be ignored by many people.
Thank goodness she's not obsessed with designer clothing and has the need to only wear $200 jeans with a $150 top. That could eventually wipe out her retirement fund.
I would just let her be.
I like to wear what I know. I do not like to wear anything the first time. After I wore it once, it is elevated to "favorite".
As other pointed out - depression era rooted deep for many. Those who survived and prospered seemed to maintain restoration & mastery of their "things" as compared to today's world of losing that mastery...we tend to toss things.
Acceptance is a huge thing and dressing is the least of my battles and hers with dementia and advanced heart disease. She has a closet full of clothes that are simply beautiful - but she wants familiar humility and thats fine
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