My elderly aunt is quite reclusive, although she gets herself to the store and doctor appointments by herself. We try hard to include her in special outings (though she often begs off at the last moment, I'd say 90% of time). When she does agree to come, unfortunately she tends to dress like a bag lady -- we're talking not just shabby clothes, but severely ripped T-shirts (her bra often completely visible), stained (though clean) pants, and shoes that are absolutely falling apart. The problem really isn't hygiene as she keeps herself and her laundry quite clean. Nor does she seem attached to one particular "outfit." It's just that everything she chooses to wear is full of holes.
We give her new and used clothes as gifts - the sort she likes (T-shirts, jeans, etc) and also gift certificates to local clothing stores she can easily drive to - but she never wears them. My sister has stopped asking her to things because she's embarrassed to be seen with her. On at least one occasion, my aunt's entrance into an ordinary restaurant caused murmurs.
My aunt doesn't seem to notice (or care) that anything is wrong with what she chooses to wear... and consistently won't wear the things we give her... any ideas what we can do? (oh, she's also very sensitive and you never know when bringing things up will cause her to stop answering her phone for weeks...)
I'm a worn jeans and t-shirt old lady myself, so maybe I can identify with your aunt.
My reasons:
1) Comfort. I wear good athletic shoes because other shoes make my feet hurt. These don't look too good with dressy clothes, so I'm always weighing foot comfort against dressing up.
2) Hate shopping. I wear my old jeans until they are no longer decent. If I find a brand that fits, I buy 3 or 4 pairs because it's very hard to find some I really like, then I wear them out because shopping is just no fun for me. Maybe you could ask your aunt to go shopping with you, and suggest that she try on some things, too. You may find out why she wears her old clothes forever--because she doesn't look so great in the new clothes available.
3) Identity. I have noticed on the rare occasions when I dress up, people treat me differently--more like a "Grande dame," you might say. Offering to help me. And maybe thinking I'm pretty well-off, so they hope to capitalize on getting on my best side. Maybe even thinking they can knock me over and steal my purse full of money. Whatever it is, I feel like I'm not as vulnerable or as attractive to potential thugs when I'm in running shoes and beat up jeans instead of heels and a skirt.
Now, I don't want to embarrass my family about being seen with me; so if a niece asked me to dress nicer for an important occasion, I'd do it IF it were an event I wanted to attend. You might say, "This is going to be a dress-up affair--I didn't know whether you'd want to go, but we really hope you will. We all would miss your company if you don't. "
The other suggestions about pointing out inappropriate clothes when you arrive to pick her up are good, too, assuming she has other options in the closet. Or getting her something you like and asking her in advance to wear that when you come for her.
Good luck. Sometimes I'd rather just stay home with the dog than get gussied up. Try to get her to be decent and take her to Dairy Queen instead of someplace with a dress code.
Definitely look at her income to see how much she gets
Check all of her bills and where all the rest of the money goes. While you're at it, check her house for expired food, specifically look for expanded cans, broken seals, spoiled food, bugs, etc. Check for these signs, I'll bet you a nickel she probably can't afford to take care of herself on what little she gets, especially if she happens to be wasting money on non-essentials. Her clothes is just a sign somethings just not right, and it might very well be something going on with her money. Hopefully no one is stealing her money or taking advantage of her as what's so common in today's world. I would definitely do an investigation and even alert the APSt
Another thing you may as well go ahead and do is to check the condition of her other clothes if she even has any. What you may have to do is replace everything that's less than suitable and just start throwing out all the rags. The final thing you'll need to do is get her out of the ones she's wearing and replace them with a new outfit, but this may require some help from others
Someone mentioned the idea of distracting her and sneaking into her bedroom and quietly replacing some of the rags with new items. I like that idea but just remember to refer to her as Cinderella who has a ferry godmother who must've waved her magic wand and fixed her clothes. Ask her if she ever considered that possibility but it must be done when she's not looking
My LO (cousin) lost a lot of weight, but insisted on wearing clothes that were 3-4 sizes too large. It looked ridiculous and I told her so, but, she didn't care. I bought her new clothes that fit, but, she showed little interest. She also stopped wearing bras in public, which I told her was unacceptable, due to her very large breasts. She ignored me. It became to the point that I refused to go in public with her, and even telling her straight to her face that people would think she was crazy to go out that way, meant nothing to her. She didn't care. I should have known then that her brain was not working properly. As her condition progressed, I had to insist that she bathe, wear bra, brush teeth, etc.
I'd check her fridge for spoiled food, mail for unpaid bills, car for dents, etc. I hope it's something else, but, if it is related to cognitive decline, nothing really helps. I ended up having to set her down, insist she bathe, supervise as she dressed, etc. She just didn't get it. Now, she requires daily care for all her needs.
But why do some of you choose to attack these good intentions by insinuating that this is controlling behaviour that would infringe the aunt's personal freedoms?
Someone has even used false logic, equating people living happily with a physical disfigurement with people who happen to be dressed sloppily.
As a person with a scarred face myself, and one who is also a careless dresser, I can inform you that most people refrain from commenting on a physical characteristic but almost everybody will point out a loose shoe strap, a button undone, a stain etc and most wearers of such clothes say "thank you" for this thoughtful attention.
Seriously folks, if a person is depressed, or in a tearing hurry, or has other things on their minds, he/she may well go out quite wearing a sweater that is inside out (has happened to me) or a T shirt pulled out of the ironing pile with holes or rips that have been forgotten about. It is not a crime to want to remove and replace the clothes with holes.
Once again, if someone posts a "how to question", please take it at face value.
Which is not to say she won't get strange looks, and maybe some pity, and maybe some attempts to take advantage of her assumed cognitive problems. I can see why Ellen is concerned. But charged with indecent exposure? I can't imagine it.
I have those age spots next to one of my eyes but I never ask the dermatologist to remove nor do I cover them with makeup. My Mom the very same thing but more. My Mom's other sisters also had them, and so did Grandmother. Guess you can say it was our DNA badge for the family :)
As long as I knew her my grandmother had a big tumor on her cheek -- it looked like she had a jawbreaker in there. She was once staying with us to help with a new baby and my mother had to have a doctor come to the house. He attended to my mother and then glanced at Gram. "Make an appointment with my office. I can remove that growth on an out-patient basis. You won't need to come into a hospital." Clearly my gram was not pleased with this suggestion. I knew that she was self-conscious of this growth. She wore a scarf indoors and out in every season. So here was an appearance problem that could be easily solved, but she chose not to solve it.
My father lost the use of his eye in a childhood accident. The eye stayed in place, but not correctly and it was a noticeable disfiguration for a very attractive man. I'm sure over the years a glass eye had been suggested and if not, he was an intelligent man who could figure it out for himself. But he never fixed that appearance flaw.
I know a person with a cleft lip/cleft palate whose parents had surgery for him at appropriate times during his childhood. But in his late teens he turned down some final fine-tuning cosmetic surgery. He said he really didn't want to be bothered with people who would judge him by his appearance.
If people know there are options to make their appearance more socially acceptable and they choose not to use them, does that make them cognitively impaired?
If you just can't, then is there no one else in the family who can discuss this with her? If not then how will the family ever approach her about important issues like ensuring she has a Will and POA, or what her desires are about end of life and her living will, or what will happen if she should become unable to cope on her own any more?
Certainly parents and schools set clothing standards for kids. Employers set clothing expectations for employees (but only on company time). Nieces or nephews setting standards for dear old aunties? I'm not so sure about that.
As other pointed out - depression era rooted deep for many. Those who survived and prospered seemed to maintain restoration & mastery of their "things" as compared to today's world of losing that mastery...we tend to toss things.
Acceptance is a huge thing and dressing is the least of my battles and hers with dementia and advanced heart disease. She has a closet full of clothes that are simply beautiful - but she wants familiar humility and thats fine
You mentioned your Aunt was born in the 1940's, so was I, thus our parents were the teenagers of the Great Depression. I know my parents instilled in me to be very fugal. Thus I never was one for pricey jewelry or fancy handbags or designer blue jeans. Yet one of my best friends was always dressed like Samantha from Sex In the City.
My late Grandmother use to dress like a bag lady, except on special occasions like weddings. There's an old family story that goes way back decades, it was close to Christmas and Grandmother was out doing some shopping. She stopped in a shop that sold fur coats.....
The clerks at fur store looked at her and didn't make any contact, it was like how did this women wind up in THIS store. But a brand new clerk helped my Grandmother, and much to her surprise my Grandmother bought 5 long mink coats, one for each of her daughters. For the clerk who looked passed how my Grandmother was dressed, she earned a very nice commission :)
Food for thought.
So I prompt him after removing the tags and washing them.
Each season, we go through our clothes and store what is too warm to wear, for example. Some inappropriate items find their way in there, but at least they are still his.
I cringe when asking if he wants to donate some things, but this year, he agreed.
Preserving his dignity is important to me. His case is a bit different than others. But anyone can cut off tags, wash items, remind someone gently without hurting their feelings, I hope.
Other times, I just say: I am not going anywhere with you dressed like that. My bad.
The problem is not me being embarrassed by her. (Maybe my sister is, but not me.) The problem, as I see it, is that she runs the risk of being treated poorly by other people when she is out and about on what errands she still does leave her apartment to go on. My aunt cherishes her independence (which is why I would never riffle through her drawers and steal her things!) but at her age, she needs to be taken seriously when she is dealing with the car repairman, the pharmacist, the doctor, the landlord. It's bad enough that old people are treated poorly; but excessively shabby clothes open her up to more disrespect and difficulty out in the world. We're not talking that her clothes are unfashionable -- they are sometimes almost falling off her body.
I am not my aunt's caretaker but I am pretty much the only concerned relative she has. I DO think this is a serious issue, and yes, a delicate one. (If she won't wear clothes we give her for Christmas, she won't want to go clothes shopping with us...and she begs off invitations 90% of the time.) It has little to do with my sense of embarrassment and much more to do with how I worry about the way people treat her when she is out by herself. I think that's a valid concern. But saying "Hey, you dress like a bag lady, get a new T-shirt" is a difficult conversation to have under any circumstances, much less with someone whose response is usually to nod her head and then retreat home and not answer her phone for a week. (My aunt is the sort of person who doesn't create a scene to start with but then stews over something you said to her and deals with it by not answering her phone or door for weeks. That is why the conversation is difficult.)
The fact that this thread has spawned such a lively reaction is an indicator, I think, of what a difficult subject this is to discuss.
She may fuss a bit but make it a special day for her and you will learn what she does like to wear and sizes so you can get her new things that she will actually like and wear.
It would be different if you were her assigned caregiver, but you are not. She has a right to dress as she pleases. You have a right to not include her if her appearance is more important to you than her presence. Try Isn'tEasy's suggestion.
My mother was sometimes a bit embarrassing in her dress. So I asked myself what was more important to me; 1) the opinion of a bunch of strangers I would never see again, who really didn't care much whether I lived or died, or 2) my mother having an enjoyable time dressed as she pleases and not having her autonomy and judgment challenged over something that in the long run really would not matter. The answer became very obvious.
Concentrate on the pleasure of her company and learn to revel in her eccentricity. She is doing no harm by living her life her way. I would visit her home to ensure it is safe. It can be cluttered and messy - a place I would never want to live - but as long as it is safe from a health standpoint it is none of my business.
Love and enjoy her for who she is. When strangers look at her funny, smile warmly at them. It will say "I know, she's an original" without being apologetic or expressing embarrassment. If you are upbeat and accepting, strangers will tend to respond in kind.