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He's still interested in sex, but the hygiene issue has turned me off completely. I've tried suggesting showers and brushing his teeth but often that leads to arguments. Other behaviors are easier to handle. This one is tricky.
Your husband has Alzheimer's/dementia, so a decreased interest in hygiene and an increased interest in sex is typical. Hire someone, preferably a man caregiver, to bathe and shave him 2x a week, and if he refuses, you refuse to be touched. Move out of the bedroom and lock the door. If his sexual desires become unmanageable, call his doctor for calming meds. ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior is common with the dementias.
You matter too, please don't forget that in your quest to care for him!
If you have sex with him and he is incontinent that can give you UTIs and other bad infections from fecal bacteria entering your vagina. So daily showers are a must plus a shower before sex or forget about it.
You are both in your seventies so with his incontinence and other unpleasant behaviors due to his dementia I would just stop having sex with him altogether at this point.
My first thought was simply say " No shower, no sex", and if that doesn't work to just simply say "No" and then distract him with food , a tv show , and maybe eventually he would stop asking. But I also had other ideas. What if you told him the doctor says he has to shower before sex since older couples are prone to UTI's ? Or ...Do you think he would shower before sex if you showered along with him ? Would you be comfortable with that? Or maybe not, if you think he would likely refuse washing once you got in the shower and he would want to immediately "get busy" ? Only you know what you are comfortable with. You also know your husband , we don't.
It's also Ok to totally give it up and say 'No" if/when you would rather abstain completely. That's up to you. If I was in your shoes, I would probably just say No and try to distract him since he's at the point that his inability to understand leads to arguments. But again, I'm not you and I don't know your husband. Only you know what is best for you.
Regarding showers in general, you could try hiring a male aide to come a few days a week. Also if you haven't already done this .....try telling him "It's time to take your shower" rather than asking him to take a shower. Good luck.
If you decide to try any of these ideas. I would be curious if anything worked, because like Alva said, if the lure of sex won't get a man to shower , what will?
Hygiene issues can be a difficult issue in a relationship. It is important to openly discuss this topic with your partner and try to find a compromise solution. It may be helpful to find out why he has difficulty maintaining good hygiene and work together to find ways to resolve the problem without conflict.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I think you need to make it clear you aren't going to bed with a dirty man. Not literally dirty, anyway.
You matter too, please don't forget that in your quest to care for him!
Just simply say "No"
You are both in your seventies so with his incontinence and other unpleasant behaviors due to his dementia I would just stop having sex with him altogether at this point.
But I also had other ideas.
What if you told him the doctor says he has to shower before sex since older couples are prone to UTI's ?
Or ...Do you think he would shower before sex if you showered along with him ?
Would you be comfortable with that? Or maybe not, if you think he would likely refuse washing once you got in the shower and he would want to immediately "get busy" ? Only you know what you are comfortable with. You also know your husband , we don't.
It's also Ok to totally give it up and say 'No" if/when you would rather abstain completely. That's up to you. If I was in your shoes, I would probably just say No and try to distract him since he's at the point that his inability to understand leads to arguments. But again, I'm not you and I don't know your husband. Only you know what is best for you.
Regarding showers in general, you could try hiring a male aide to come a few days a week. Also if you haven't already done this .....try telling him "It's time to take your shower" rather than asking him to take a shower.
Good luck.
Some people with dementia get hypersexual.
If it's a yes then the advice of showering together is good.
If it's a no then you don't have to shower or no shower
"alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, and incontinence."
and:
"There is no chance of talking about it."
Her husband is no longer capable of having a reasoned discussion that would require him to have empathy for her. This is what dementia does to people.