My mom has moved in with me after two strokes and multiple falls. My brother was with her in another state, but once she became tough to manage, he decided he had to move. I have been showering her, feeding her, dressing her, cleaning the bathroom multiple times a day, etc. and still work three jobs. My husband is with her when I am not. She knows I am up more than 20 hours a day trying to do everything, but she takes her time, constantly brushing her hair as I wait. She doesn’t have much anymore. She wants me to dye it often. How do I nicely say it will not make a difference and you will lose even more with all the dyes. Her nails too.
Barb, are you up 20 hours EVERYDAY?
Are you trying to die a martyr?
Keep up this pace and you will succeed.
No matter how tight the perm, startling the colour or haphazard the fringe, the correct thing to say is "wow! You're a different woman!"
Do you have such a thing as visiting hairdressers in your area? If you can get one who'll throw in a manicure and maybe even an aromatherapy hand massage it'll be worth every penny.
To save time during brushing, set her up with some kind of little dressing case or table - just a basic mirror and tray for her brush/comb - placed by her usual daytime armchair and encourage her to complete this task herself independently once she's settled. [We do that a lot, also with gentlemen who thank goodness have electric shavers.]
You just reminded me of something else with my mom.
It was near the end of her life. She hated the hair that grew out of her chin.
She was bed bound and in a hospice care home and asked me to make sure that she didn’t have any hair on her chin!
Barb told me that her mom wanted her her chin removed and told me how to take care of it
Mom was happy knowing that I would take care of the scraggly hairs growing out of her chin. 😊
My mother wore makeup for cataract surgery! The doctor made her go wash her face. She was upset because the doctor filmed the patients so the family members could watch the procedure in the waiting area.
The ophthalmologist had to explain that it was only the eyes that were shown on the tv screens. LOL 😆
As mom aged. she only left our home for doctor appointments. She still insisted on having her hair done. I found a stylist that would come to my home for her.
We no longer dealt with the hair dye though. Mom had beautiful snow white hair so she wasn’t bothered about dying hers. Mom loved her nails done well into her 90’s! She had a better looking wardrobe than I had too.
I think that I would explain to your mom that you know that she likes looking her best but there isn’t enough time. Tell her that she can pay for a stylist to come to your home if you can find one for her that makes house calls.
That generation didn’t even walk outside to get their mail without makeup on.
You can only do so much for your mom. Do what is important and leave the rest.
You can't keep up this pace -- don't try. You'll kill yourself.
My Dad asked me 5 yrs ago if I could talk to her about it. There was NO talking to her about it.. ;-)
I love seeing 70-90 yr old women with a touch of color...hair/light makeup/nail polish. See what you can do for her.. Consult a hair stylist re: color.. maybe a temporary rinse vs something harsher. The no color look aged my Mom & I think made her more unhappy than she was. I asked her if she would let me apply a touch of color. She responded with anger ...
My Dad, though no hair color or makeup ;-) ..was all about his grooming + personal hygiene up to the bitter end.
Makes you feel more put together..I think..
Bring on the color!
Check into Memory Care AL or Skilled Nursing also. There comes a time when killing yourself 20 hours a day winds up killing you before your time, God forbid.
Best of luck.
It sounds like you need more outside help coming in, in general.
Are you able to afford someone that does these things to do a home visit for hair and toes once a month? I'm not an expert in this area, guessing once a month is enough for all women, but to keep your mom happy I thought maybe you can do this.
Sorry you are on the tough end of the caregiving spectrum, i.e a lot of your time, a lot of physical demanding work, I think a lot about people going through this sort of caregiving. Plus you're working 3 jobs, I simply don't know how you can manage it all, even with some help from your husband.
I imagine you're physically exhausted most days. See if someone can help share some of the tasks you do. As other's have said seems like the dying and nail polish is the least of your problems, but I as said if you can afford it once a month, let her do it to keep her happy, it seems what people want for themselves is one of the joys in life, materialist they maybe, but if it makes people happy and within costs, I say do it.
Madonna's song goes: We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl.
Wishing you less work load more relaxation.
I was in homecare for alost 25 years. I speak from experience. When the neediness is at the point where a person literally has to be dressed and fed by someone, it's usually time for placement in a care facility. Or many hours of homecare coming in.
Your brother made the smart choice and got himself out of the care situation before it became too much to handle. You should do the same.
It's not fair to you or your husband to be living this way. Put her in a care facility.
I think caregiver burnout has hit you and your husband hard. You being up 20 hours a day is an exaggeration because no human could sustain that for more than a little while without collapsing, but still your situation has created the perfect conditions for abuse to happen.
You really only have two options here. Either get your mother placed in managed care or homecare. If I were you I'd take take the managed care option. Good luck.
I’ve always said I will be that 80 + year old with brown hair… 🤨
How long do you think you can keep going at this pace? THREE jobs? 4 hours/night sleep?
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
Mom, Let's wait until next week to do your hair, I am a bit busy today and I want to make sure we have enough time.
Start getting a lighter color so that it blends more easily with her "natural" current color.
If you can get the cut shorter the color will be less important. A Real cute "pixie" and spike it up might give her a new look. (Think Jamie Lee Curtis short gray pixie...now that is a cute cut)
You can gently deflect and put off, i.e., "not now, maybe next week, doctor said to skip for this month".