My mom’s been living with me for 33yrs. Up until about 8 yrs ago, mom was doing and saying some off the wall stuff so I took to have a MRI and it turns out she had vascular dementia. The past three yrs have been the worst. She started cursing at my daughter first then my husband and myself. I still put up with it until she fell. I took her to the ER and they admitted her for a fractured hip and it got bad. She totally flipped out on me for the Dr wanting her to stay. Every day I went to see her and she would continue yelling at me and trying to get up to walk out. It was horrible. They had to have a nurse sit with her 24 hrs a day. Then the Dr told me she had to have rehab for 6 to 8 weeks. I went to see her every other day and of course she was so mad because she was there. She would cuss at me and I'd leave crying. I decided to talk to the staff at the home and came to the conclusion that it was time for me to let someone else care for her as it was starting to affect my health. I'd go home with my chest hurting and feeling so helpless. She's been in a home now for six months. She has now fallen 4 times. Once she sliced the back of her head and was rushed to the ER. She had no idea how it happened. She is so unstable on her feet. And my older sister says that I abandoned my mom. I never would do that. I go see my mom every other day and she's an hr away from me now. Sister wants to take mom home with her to live, says she can work from home and take care of mom. I'm the POA and I tell my sister what moms drs are saying. That mom needs to be on a skilled nursing floor and needs 24hr care. I've sent drs notes and nurses notes to my sister to show her mom is where she needs to be and I can't get her to see the truth for what it is. She could never be able to work from home and take care of mom as mom is a full time job and she lives on a second floor appt. I've been caring for her for yrs and as bad as she is now, I know I couldn't do it alone. It breaks my heart not to be able to bring my mom back home. I keep the door to her room shut and don't go in there much cause all I do is cry. I miss her so much. 33 yrs together and she sure didn't deserve this. I just wish my sister wouldn't put this quilt trip on me. If I could make moms dementia go away, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Any advice on how to deal with my sister? It’s just a shame we can't all be on the same page and help mom through this together.
You didn't cause any of this.
You can't fix any of this.
Guilt requires that you caused something evil on purpose and you refuse to either stop or to fix it. That doesn't pertain here, so guilt is off the table.
We are not God and it is hubris to pretend we have that power. We are humans with limitations and I am quite amazed you have surpassed your own so long.
Your sister is unlikely to change. What she thinks, says or does is not in your control. You need to try to let go of controlling that as well.
I think that your long years of caregiving may have left you almost ill with anxiety and enmeshment, and I honestly think you owe it to yourself now to get good psychological counseling from an excellent therapist (none of this online nonsense; they are paid poorly and worth less than they are paid).
You couldn't be more right; it is a dreadful shame that your sister has no understanding of this and isn't on the same page with you. However, she hasn't done the work and hasn't learned the same lessons you have. We can forgive her that. You are the POA. You will simply tell your poor Sis that this is the way it must be now. I doubt that she will ever forgive you in all honesty, but we have two chances at family, the one we are dealt on the assembly line before we are born, and the one we create for ourselves. Your sis will have to seek her OWN healing. She isn't my concern.
You have a choice now. Stay ruminating and marinating in all this, or move on with a quality life. No one can make that choice for you. I hope you make the choice that brings you the best chance at some happiness now. You well deserve it.
I cannot know if your sister is at all capable of doing this care, but of course there is one more Plan B here. If she would like to assume care she certainly can do so. Your POA would allow you to place her with Sister, and assess how that goes. She may come to an agreement soon. However, it is just my "guess" that Sis won't, for whatever reasons, see her way clear to give that a try. It was almost kind of a reach for levity to suggest it!
I had my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living for just under 3 years. She received great care there, thankfully, and I was able to preserve my sanity and my marriage at the same time. I could also maintain somewhat of a relationship with mom with her not living with me. We weren't constantly at each others throats and her foul words to me weren't daily. Dementia is a wretched experience for all involved, which your sister would know had she been involved with her mom's care all along. You wont get her to understand unless she spends a good deal of time caring for mom in the SNF. Only THEN will she learn thru scar tissue what's going on.
Don't YOU feel guilty or buy into the tactics sister is using on You! After 33 years, it's long overdue that mom is in care. Sister can visit whenever the urge strikes her, but leave YOU out of the discussion. You've made up your mind as POA and it's not changeable.
Your sister should be on her knees THANKING you for your decades of care for her mother instead of playing a guilt card on you! Ridiculous.
Best of luck with a difficult situation and the horrible disease of dementia. I hate it with every fiber of my being.
Sorry you are going through this.
"Sis, Mom's doctor ______ says Mom is not eligible to go home. Mom's health requires her to live in a SNF with daily access and oversite by RN's and needs to be cared for daily by CNA's."
Keep it simple.
Your sister is fooling herself into thinking that she could single handily take care of your mom in her home and also get her job done. That's beyond ridiculous.
Just continue to put your moms best interests first and you'll never go wrong.
And on a side note....I can't believe that you had your mom live with you for 33 years. To me something doesn't sound right about that at all, and makes me wonder if you have a co-dependent relationship with her.
If that is the case I hope you'll seek some counseling to untangle all of that, and now put your husband and marriage first and your child second.
Your mom has had her life and now it's time for you and your husband to enjoy whatever life you both have left together.
You could do this two ways. Number one, you're the POA so you make the decision whether or not your mother stays in LTC because she needs to be.
Or, you could let your sister put her money where her mouth is as they say, and take her home with her. Tell your sister plainly that you'll be helping out as she did with the caregiving, which is to say you will be doing absolutely nothing. Make sure she understands that you ar done caregiving and if she takes your mother out of care she will be totally on her own.
Please show your sister this response and she should know that it is written by a homecare agency owner who did patient/client homecare for 25 years in the field and was also a family caregiver.
She will fail abyssmally at this. It won't be her fault, or your mother's, or anyone else's for that matter. It's the old-age, illness, and dementia's fault. This is who is to blame for your mother. What will your sister do when it becomes too much for her and ot will? An 'ER dump' at the local hospital?
When you take a person in your mother's condition out of a care facility and bring them home to be cared for, it always fails. Your mother can't afford to have a staff of caregivers with her 24/7 which is why you were doing it for so long. This will surely fail.
Please don't allow her to be taken out of care.
The mother wouldn't have to climb stairs. What would probably happen is the sister's livingroom, den, or home office (where she plans to work from) becomes a bedroom which so often happens when an elder moves into a place and they can't dos stairs.
This means a bed and commode (if there's no same-floor bathroom or the dementia is too advanced for mom to use one without assistance) in the living room. Then get used to a home that smells like sh*t all the time no matter how much you clean.
Forget about entertaining and having company over anymore too. Believe me no one wants to socialize or come for dinner when there's a person crapping in the living room.
Entertaining at home is something a person usually has to give up when they take an elder with dementia to live with them. They don't think about it at first. When one day runs into the next and it's the same caregiving drudgery 24/7-365 you think about it then. It's not worth it.
You're spot on that the OP should resign the POA to the sister though. She should not keep any kind of responsibility for the mother if the sister wants to take her out of the LTC and move her in.
With dementia, it is not good to move a person from one place to another, it just confuses the person more. All the new sights, sounds, foods, etc. If your Mom says she wants to go home, the home she is thinking about is her childhood home. So if she brings that up, just do a "therapeutic fib" saying the road is close due to repair.
When my Mom was in a skilled nursing facility with late stage dementia every day runs into the next. Eventually I cut down my visits to once a week. Going every day after work was becoming too exhausting for me as I was a senior myself. I knew my Mom was in a safe place with good care :)
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this
Thankyou for CARING about Mom & the situation she is in.
However, when you use words like *abandon* this deeply hurts me.
(eg Your words were "I abandoned my mom")
This is a LIE.
The TRUTH is Mom's care level became too high. For me at home, for anyone at home. As advised by her MEDICAL TEAM. Due to her diagnosis of Vascular Dementia & falls. This is progressive. She will get worse. She will fall more. It is AWFUL.
I don't want to hear you accusing me or guilting me again in the way. If you do, I will no longer receive your calls. Am I clear? Cut that cr@p out right now.
Now as to taking Mom to live in YOUR home.. I STRONGLY suggest you go spend three full 12 hours days at Mom's facility to experience the care level she needs. See & experience how caring for someone with Vascular Dementia is.
I GET you WANT Mom out of there & back into a personal home.
I GET that some people feel like failures to place their Mom or Dad in a 'nursing home' But sometimes it becomes the last choice left. As it is with our Mom! It is the LAST option left.
I get that it might make you feel bad. (It makes me feel bad too). That is GRIEF. But we need to pull together to HELP Mom.
I HOPE we can work together for Mom's care.
Your younger sister,
Shelly