I'm still struggling and I feel traumatized every time I think of the day 9 months ago when I had to place my mother at an assessment centre knowing she was going to be deprived of her liberty and that she would never be going home. After assessment I found her a lovely dementia facility where she is now settled but I can't forgive myself for placing her there. I live alone with only my wage. I wanted to live with her and have carers in while I worked, but nobody would fund the care for that. They would only go in 4 times a day which was no good as she was starting to wander. She was looking for her childhood home which she would never find. Now I wish I had given up everything to care for her. I know it would have been hard, and no matter what people say to convince me I did the right thing, I can't get over this. It's the worst thing I've ever had to do and I will never forget that day that I left her. It still breaks my heart and I don't know that I will ever be at peace. I feel like a horrible person and I'm being repaid for doing this to her. Don't know what to do any more. I'm so happy go lucky in front of everyone, but in private I'm so very sad.
Is she safe and no longer wandering, searching for a home and a time that no longer exists?
Could you give her her mind back?
Are you maybe being selfish in wanting to be her everything?
Look, dementia is not your fault. We can only try to keep out loved ones safe, if not happy?
Focus your energies on visiting your mom and making good memories with her now, in her reality.
I liked what rocketjcat had to say, that you didn’t do this “to” her but “for” her. I am sure, like me, you have a story that involves many years of caring for your mother prior to her entering the dementia facility.
What caught my attention is that you feel you are being repaid (punished?) for your mother being there. Yes, I have had those thoughts too, and I realize how destructive and non self-loving they are. Please banish them from your thinking and take active steps to do self-loving things. I can only speak through my Christian perspective that says that one of the greatest commandments is to love your neighbor as yourself. You honored and loved your mother by taking care of her and when you couldn’t, making sure that she would be taken care of, and you must love yourself too. Self-destructive thoughts have no place in loving yourself.
Yes, you were traumatized when it happened, and even though your mother is settled, you are stuck in the original feelings. Love yourself as you have loved and continue to love your mother. If you have let your health go, start eating right, drink lots of water, take walks, exercise, get some counseling, anything that is life affirming and loving.
You say that you put on a happy face for others but in private you are very sad. I say that you have taken a very positive step in coming here to be real. You don’t know it, but the healing has begun.
I have had a lifetime of learning how to function, and live happily in the world under at times great hardships, and usually I can pull some strategy or coping technique from my bag of tricks that pulls me out of a depression or difficulty, but sometimes all my efforts are useless, and I find that the most powerful thing I can do is to stop trying and say “God help me”, and then just do the next right thing. The next right thing could be to wash your dishes, make your bed, visit your mother, straighten her room, etc. You continue to do the next right thing and the next, and the next, and trust that God will take care of you, and heal you of your sadness
Take a deep breath and think about what you used to like to do before so much of your energy, thoughts and time were taken up with caregiving by yourself. Take baby-steps toward rediscovering you. You are still a caregiver and a very much needed advocate for your mother. Sleep well tonight. My prayers are with you.
I hope your sadness does not prevent you from taking advantage of this opportunity.
Remind yourself everyday, hourly if you must, that You have not abandoned her - you are making difficult decisions like any responsible person does, and then do what you can to enjoy being with her - create new routines together
Our first routine became Friday night fiesta with brownies and milk shakes - later it became Saturday night pie and now it's pancakes on Sunday -
When I help put her to bed, we always say our prayers
there have been plenty of ups and downs and anxiety the past couple of years and I hope the memory of all that fades and I only remember the vision of mom waving at me when she sees me come into the facility
polarbear's response may seem a little sharp-edged to you. But she is right. You could change your mind, and make a different decision. Why aren't you doing that? Well, I suppose that in addition to feelings of regret and sadness you also still have the feelings of responsibility and the desire for the best for your mother. You concluded several months ago that placement in a care center was the responsible decision to provide the best for Mom. So why would you change your mind now? Have things changed? Did you win the sweepstakes and can now afford to quit work? Have her care needs decreased? Are the signs of dementia improving? Is she being abused where she is?
There were reasons why you made the decision you did 9 months ago. And I suspect that the reasons still apply. But make a list of them and review it with today's situation in mind. Are those reasons still pointing to the decision you made? If so, please try to accept it. Fretting over it again and again or constantly does not change anything.
It is awful to see someone you love being deprived of their liberty. Your mother's dementia did this to her. That is totally out of your control. It is frustrating and sad that we aren't all-powerful and can't magically remove all obstacles for our loved ones.
Print out these answers. Read them each day until they all sink in. Make a list of the reasons placement is what is best for your mother. Look at it often. Accept that you are not SuperDaughter any more than the rest of us are. Your mother's dementia is not under your control.
If you are having a really hard time giving up your irrational view of your power in this situation, sign up for a few sessions with a therapist. You can be more helpful to your mother if you are kinder to yourself and "get over it."
And/or come back here often and get fresh doses of reality.
Hope you come back to A/C
It will help you cope
Just last night I made a late night stop to drop off some things for mom - I stayed and helped staff with an 11 pm diaper change
Mom was a bit cranky from being woken up but then she started crying and said I was ruining her life
While I can easily rationalize away her comment it nonetheless has reverberated in mind today as on some level she knows I'm the one who put her in the facility
Dementia is a long tiring journey for everyone
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