I'm sorry in advance for the long rant!
I asked a question last month about not becoming bitter. Well, I set my boundaries, told my mother that someone else would be mowing her yard while we were on vacation and asked that she pay my husband a small amount to mow her grass and she BLEW UP. I requested $10 a week just to cover our gas to drive to her house. She tried to shame me and said my husband mows her grass now and she's going to ask him if he wants money. We both work full time and we are worn out. I'm at a loss as to what's going on with her. She's very protective of her money and although I think I hurt her feelings (or embarrassed her), she really thinks we owe her. As I mentioned before, she says "this will all be yours someday." No matter what I do, I get no credit. She always tells me that I'm not like her, tells me that I'm like my father(they divorced when I was 1) and has always been critical of me which makes me resentful. She praises my husband for mowing her yard but collects money from the crops and wants to keep it all. I have worked since I was 14, paid for my own college and have never asked her for anything. I'd love to just walk away but I feel sorry for her even though she treats me terrible. Am I being petty for asking to be paid at least gas money to get there?? She is full on taking advantage of us. Or how should I have approached this? I wasn't rude but I don't think she would've taken it well either way.
Loren: CRICKETS? Nothing? Really?
You are an adult.
Your could say:
Loren: "Really, Mom. Can you explain to me the ways I am like Dad?" (gently. Sweetly. Softly and with great curiousity and a quizzical expression on your pretty face).
How about that for an idea? And then........ dependent on the answer, it could maybe go this way:
IF mom says mean and negative things about Dad........
Loren's reactions could be:
Loren: "Well, Mom, you seem to find both Dad and I not especially likeable.
You divorced Dad. Would you like to divorce me? Because, really, Mom, people don't change. I won't be changing, for certain, because I don't specially WANT to change. But I CAN relieve you of my presence. And would be happy to do that for you. Would you like that?"
(Loren stays very sweet and gentle during this reaction).
Loren,
I don't know what to say to you other than that you were likely raised by a woman with serious limitations as a mother, and she won't be changing; no miracles of love and acceptance will be coming your way from her, no matter how well hubby mows the lawn.
That leaves you with choices.
You are a grownup. You are RESPONSIBLE NOW for making your choices. Stay as you are or change things for yourself.
You can complain and marinate in your mother's bad behaviors toward you, but that won't really change anything. And while some friends will sympathize and think you a martyred Saint, they will soon enough tire of the stories and begin to wonder why you don't walk away from abuse. They will begin to think not "What's the matter with mom" but instead, "what's the matter with Loren?".
Consider getting psychological help. A cognitive therapist won't waste your time talking about your childhood and toilet training issues. A cognitive therapist will shake you up a bit and point you toward different paths from the habitual ones you are on. She will make you weep, wail and work.
It takes TREMENDOUS courage to leave the "known" even when the known is harmful and abusive, so when you start on a new path (if that is your choice) give yourself a huge round of applause and praise and as many medals as you can find. Like I said, it makes you a hero to change yourself. And your SELF is the only one you can change.
I wish you so much luck. You will be so proud of yourself when you endeavor to do this for yourself. And then you won't need the praise of Mom or me or anyone else. The very best out to you.
And just because she says all this will be tours someday (whatever that carrot is she is dangling over your head) means nothing because mom may need to go into a facility one day and all that may have to be sold if she ever needs to go on medicaid.
You can always ask her, "How many people have you worked FOR for FREE?"
I would remind her you paid your own way in life, like you were raised to do.
Above all, did she do the yard work for her elderly parents for free? If she makes money off crops, she knows life is not a free ride. If someone is that selfish and ungrateful, don't do ANYTHING for them....Mother or not.
She's clearly a control freak. With money, because she refuses to pay people to work for her. Stop falling for it. KEEP THOSE BOUNDARIES.
It sounds as though M has a farm, as she “collects money from the crops and wants to keep it all”. Is she in total charge of her finances? Is there an inheritance issue that you want to keep sweet? That might limit your options. Do you understand how ‘financial inheritance’ tends to disappear because of the cost of care towards end of life? And what’s wrong with being ‘like your father’? Whatever his faults, she chose him, not you.
The most straightforward approach would be to have an ‘on the table meeting’ between you, DH and M, where you talk about her finances, care for the future, the normal preparations like a POA and a will, and in total ‘who calls the shots’. She will of course “BLOW UP” again. Then you walk out. Do NOTHING for her. If she calls, don’t just ‘chat’, leave her on her own. Leave it a week or more, then call and ask if she is ready to continue the discussion. Repeat repeat.
If she is able to manage without you, then she is legally fine with living independently and making her own decisions. But you are also legally fine in taking the position that you don’t help until she is willing to discuss the big picture. Good luck in getting out of this on reasonable terms!
You're already "just like your father" whom mother divorced, not good enough, so why on earth are you feeling sorry for her and jumping thru fiery hoops to please a person who won't BE pleased? Let go of the notion that suddenly mother will become the mom you've always wanted. She won't and you'll keep getting kicked in the butt until you decide ENOUGH.
Enjoy your weekends with DH and tell mother to call a lawn service.
I helped my parents as much as I could. They didn’t demand that I drop everything to help. They always asked politely and then followed with saying, “at your convenience.”
Dad had a stroke and couldn’t drive. Mom had seizures and then Parkinson’s disease and couldn’t drive.
When I arrived at their home, they had the grocery list ready for me. Mom drove with me at first and did her own shopping. Later on, she gave me the list and she always filled up my tank for me. She said thank you after each favor that I did for her.
She paid my brothers whenever they mowed her lawn or she hired the neighbor’s son to do it.
She cooked a nice lunch or dinner for us too.
As needs increased, it became harder for me, especially after my dad died and mom eventually moved in with me.
Your mother’s needs will increase as time goes by.
Your mother doesn’t show any appreciation. She expects so much from you, yet she doesn’t show gratitude to you or your husband. It’s common courtesy to say, ‘please, thank you, I appreciate all that you’ve done, etc.’
If she has been like this for years. I highly doubt that she is interested in changing now.
I like your idea of ‘walking away’ from her. Allow her to see what life is like without your service.
She is holding so much over your head. Do you want her place? Is it sentimental to you?
Plus, what’s up with comparing you to your dad? That’s a rude comment.
You can give her some time to process what you said if you like, but don’t hold your breath.
You are a giver. She is a taker. If she can’t meet you in the middle, don’t do any more to help her.
Wishing you peace as you sort this out.
Make the split.
DH stops mowing. He gets more free time. Win.
No more awkward conversations about money. Win.
No more listenting to you'll own all this one day... that comes with inbuilt expections to earn it with busy work now. Win.
Your Mom hires her own lawn maintenance person. She can view this as a loss.. or.. a win for her independance.
There are always options.
I posted earlier on the thread but I would like to add a few thoughts.
You already know that your mom will run things into the ground. Give her an inch and she will take a mile.
Be firm in your stance when dealing with her. No leeway and no exceptions to your rules. Don’t accept any of her excuses, shaming or emotional blackmailing.
You know that she will try everything that she can in order to get her way.
Don’t fall for any of her tactics. If you cave, you become her prey, that she will try to devour.
Another thing is remember, is to look at how much you have invested in your relationship with your mom. Quite a bit, from what I can tell.
Let your mom start investing now. We are all responsible for our own lives. She needs to learn this lesson.
Don't feel so guilty backing away. Do it little by little. She needs to learn you are not the solution to all her problems. Decide what you are willing to do and do only that.
I used to drive my father to a lot of places. He was not concerned about me missing work to do that. Then I was out of work and he thought that would allow me to be his chauffer even more. I had to explain to him that I did not have the money to fill my gas tank to drive him around. I never asked him for gas money, just told him I could not afford to put more gas in my car. Boy was he offended that I expected payment for running him on his errands. Funny how my time and expenses doing things for him were unimportant. Now if one of my teenagers came down and took him someplace, they got $10 for gas no problem. Just me.
By the time it “all” belongs to you, you will hate the place. It won’t hold good memories for you. It will only represent a reminder of a wasted life being a slave to someone who is herself damaged.
Hopefully she will have enough saved to pay for her old age care but it is time to realize that while her care is assured, yours and your husbands will not be unless you shift your focus. Accept that and walk away with your very life.
Find out what your dreams are and what your husbands dreams are. If it is to mow someone else’s grass you can find plenty of people to appreciate your efforts closer to home.
I am so sorry you are stuck.
Here is a good book recommendation.
“What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing”
Notice it doesn’t ask What’s wrong with you? Find out what happened to you and maybe you can heal the trauma enough to start living your life and not just reacting to what she’s got going on in hers.
Thank you for letting us know how it is going. We are cheering you on.
Let. Her. fail
You STOP mowing her lawn.
You STOP going to help her with ALL the things that you have been helping her with.
When you get back from vacation don't pick up where you left off.
This is all part and parcel of the boundaries that you set.
( by the way setting boundaries is not jut boundaries for her but for YOU. )
If the city, village, county whatever governing agency comes along and says she has to mow or she will get a ticket do NOT break down and mow. She can call someone and pay them to get it done.
All the better that she is not answering the phone....you should not be calling.
Keep your eye on the goal. Know that you are working hard to make positive changes and not every day will feel like you are breaking free. Big breaths. I hope you and DH can work together.
Of course, mom is not going to cooperate. She is very used to having her way and her extended family … your family … is accustomed to supporting her. Each person will have to work through and own their feelings. A lot to process for all of you and I hope our support helps you realize your goals.
It is evil, in my opinion, to use inheritance for puppet strings.
Tell her you're done and she can leave everything to the salvation army if she wants. Cut those strings!