Parent has been calling me names, like "witch" and other evil sounding labels.
I'm now responsible for cleaning and changing her diapers. It's becoming an ordeal because she just doesn't follow the same directions each time - it involves her turning onto her right side and then to her left side. I need her to do this so I can clean her, change bed pads and get her into a clean diaper - all at the same time.
She ends up cussing me out, sometimes trying to hit me, yelling "it hurts" (to turn), and then she finally ends up crying. I tell her time and time again, she needs to turn onto her left side (painful hip) quickly and it only involves less than 10 seconds, so I can pull the clean bed pad under her.
I'm starting to really dread going into her room. Tonite, she was sitting up in her bed calling me another evil name. She's scaring me. Later she said, "I'm supposed to be your Mother". I don't know what is expected of me, she needs to be changed every few hours, I'm doing what is necessary.
Yes, she has mild dementia (hasn't been graded yet).
I know I personally cannot take care of my mom this way, so we have her in a care home. For more than a decade, I took care of both of my parents with dementia. I finally realized I couldn't do it alone with my mom's hip. They are doing a terrific job at her care home. She has no diaper rash, even though she's been bed-bound for months. They change her position regularly and they change her diapers as needed , which is a minimum of every two hours.
You are doing a great job, trying to take care of your mother. It is a very difficult task and PTSD can form from the pain. My mom got PTSD from diaper changes at the hospital. Your mom is screaming at you and lashing out at you because of the pain.. It has nothing to do with you as a person. It is not a behavioral issue. Her pain is only going to get worse, and she is most likely not a candidate for a hip replacement with advanced dementia,. A care home that can administer pain medications and change her with two people is probably the best thing for your mom. It is also probably the best thing for you. It is very difficult seeing our loved ones suffer and in such excruciating pain. I cried numerous times over my mom's pain. I would very very very seriously consider moving her to a care home. It will give her the proper care she needs. You will find incredible peace by doing this.
Also, another thing to consider is her pain management. We put my mom on hospice for pain management. Hospice providers are used to dealing with people in excruciating pain and they understand pain medications better than anybody. This was advice I received from doctors at the hospital, as well as my friends who are physicians. I would get your mother a full medical evaluation for her pain, and have her professionally assessed by care home. If she is in a care home for pain management, she most likely will not be covered by Medicare, but will be covered by Medicaid. Good luck.
* You cannot 'fight' with a person in these circumstances. Both of you lose: frustrated, angry, and includes physically striking out at you. And, you indicate you are scared "She's scaring me."
These are major RED FLAGs. You need to find / make arrangements 'yesterday' to take yourself out of this equation of care.
Another red flag:
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE strike or hit your mother. Restraining her is very different, depending on how you do it (legally speaking). She needs care beyond what you can manage.
- If you have concerns of what care / physical restraint is acceptable / allowed legally, call your county dept that handles elder needs - or talk to her / a social worker or someone in authority in the field. You must not hit her.
- Restraints: Even in nursing homes, they are NOT ALLOWED to restrain a resident / patient in bed. This is against the law. They are only allowed 1/4 bed rails ... not 1/2 or full rails so a person doesn't fall out of bed. They can fall or try to get out of bed with 1/4 rails although they are better than nothing. I purchased a body pillow as a barrier which works well. It is 'just' a pillow so not considered a restraint.
Gena / Touch Matters
In the meantime until you can get her placed, you may have to be a bit intimidating to get her changed.
When the name calling starts up, just ignore her. When she hits, hit her back. Not hard enough to injure her but hard enough to let her know that you will hit back.
While you may have managed care for your parent in this manner, it is not acceptable 'caregiver practices,' and you likely could have been reported to authorities if someone else witnessed this. It is inappropriate advice to give to others (even though it may have been what you did / do).
I do agree, it is time to place this mother and/or have someone else to manage the personal hygiene needs, and perhaps all care needs.
Gena / Touch Matters
It is up to you, she is unable to stop, and this will get even worse.
There comes a time when a caregiver has to hold up the white flag of surrender and admit they can't do this anymore. Now is your time, it sounds like. Lest you be among the statistics to die before the elder you're caring for, God forbid.
Get out of the line of fire and get mom into long term care where she can get 24/7 care by teams of people working in shifts to accomplish what YOU are trying to do ALONE.
Don't let this kill you, okay?
Your life is just as important as mom's, so please don't forget that.
It takes a lot to deal with it emotionally but , just know that it’s the disease not the woman you call mother. Funny tho, some days they can be
so pleasant and helpful ( just makes you wanna pinch them… smiles) but, the proverbial thin line between love and hate is very real.” Try the toddler trick ( walk away) as it was mentioned and before it’s to the point of unbearable seek assistance either from AL,NH or a second caregiver.
Wishing you the best outcome 💕
I would have someone else help her to see if she would behave the same. I’d look into something for her hip pain and have her dementia evaluated … and (toddler parenting tip) walk out every time she acts up with “I’ll come back when you calm down.” Do not give in. Even once or the beastie will make a power play to control the interaction.
Otherwise AL might be a necessary solution.
My Daddy did it in public when I would take him to the doctors. :/
Just know that its the illness not her.
When she says "I'm supposed to be your Mother" just say "yes and I love you very much"!
We also can't use COVID as an excuse anymore. Its here to stay like tge flu. So, time to go on with our lives. Yes, there is shortage of CNAs/aides but maybe you can find someone to come in a few hours a week to give you a break. Medicaid has an "in home" program.
Call her doctor and see if you can get some in home care. Someone who can teach you how to care for Mom to minimize her discomfort.
Please go to YouTube and watch some Teepa Snow videos so you can learn better, more productive and peaceful ways to interact with LOs who have dementia. The name-calling: just ignore it and remind yourself it is the dementia talking.
Unless she has soiled with feces you shouldn't need to change her that often.
If she is able to sit herself up in bed she should be able to sit up outside of bed in a chair or wheelchair... why is she spending all her time in bed?
You are causing her pain and as a result she is lashing out in the only was she can, perhaps a consult with an occupational therapist could help you find a better way to perform this task and provide care in general.
A care home has the ability to get her out of bed, to offer her real baths, social time in a dining room and activities, and there are 3 shifts of workers to handle all her needs... when someone is completely bed bound at home a nursing home is sometimes the kinder option.
If anything, she has anxiety and a mild calming med can be a huge help. Ultimately though? You need to consider both of your futures. Start looking for hired help or and possibly long term placement.