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My mom lovingly and diligently cared for my ailing dad over the past 7-8 years. He had Parkinson's, and she retired to care for him. She was an amazing caregiver.
She has been a window for about a year now, and can't find her purpose. She lives alone and is reluctant to move closer to me or my sibling.
Fortunately, she is relatively healthy and tries to take care of herself physically (through diet and exercise). She is still able to manage her house, finances, etc. So that gives her a little to do.
Her social/emotional health is poor though. She is lonely and bored. :(
She is reluctant to search for activities and volunteer opportunities. I am about 2 hours away, and when she stays with me, I find things for her to do. She is a good sport in trying things but has a hard time making social connections.
She lost conversation skills caring for my declining dad over the past 7-8 years. He had Parkinson's dementia and was unable to provide social companionship.
She is part of a small cultural community but has no close friends. She may get an invitation every 6-8 weeks.
I don't know how to help her. She rejects all advice.

I suggest the book, "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief", by David Kessler, for starters.

Volunteer work in a local hospital with babies or young children is also a good idea. She can read to the kids, or even be a companion to elders in nursing homes. Giving back is a good way to regain ones purpose in life pretty fast.

If she rejects reading the book and volunteer work, you tried, let her alone to find her own way.

My condolences on the loss of your dad,
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yarrow Aug 13, 2024
Thank you for your condolences. It was a very hard time for all of us.

Volunteering in the hospital is a good idea. I will encourage her to look into it.
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I do hope that you understand that it's not up to you to help your mom find her purpose again.
She's going to have to figure that out on her own. And she will in time, so just be patient.
Your dads only been gone for a year. That is not nearly enough time for her to adjust to her new life and grieve on top of that. So cut her some slack.
I cared for my late husband for many many years and he's been dead going on 4 years now, and I am just now figuring out what I want my new life to look like. It doesn't happen overnight as you may think it does.
So give your mom some breathing room and allow her the necessary time to grieve the man she loved and lost, and don't worry, she will in time get things figured out.
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yarrow Aug 13, 2024
You are absolutely right. I just worry that her world will get smaller and smaller the longer she waits.
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I hesitated to suggest this but decided to throw it out -- would she benefit from an older pet? An older dog or cat that is somewhat low-maintenance but would be company for her? At least for now?
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funkygrandma59 Aug 12, 2024
YaYa, you sound just like my daughter after my husband died. She asked...why don't you think about getting a small dog now mom that would keep you company? To which I replied...thanks but NO thanks. I do not want to have to be responsible for another living creature right now(human or animal)and possible ever.
Plus I wanted to be able to come and go as I pleased, and when you have any pets you always have to make sure they're taken care of by someone if not you.
So again I say...NO thanks!

However I do understand for those people unlike me that don't like to leave their homes much and aren't very social, that a dog or cat may be just what the doctor ordered.
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This is a lead a horse to water situation.


Don’t not encourage her to move near you or she’ll likely expect you to entertain her and be her sole social outlet.
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She’s probably still grieving and readjusting, I’d let her acclimate on her own. We don’t always need tons of things to do, sometimes we just have to go through stuff.
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I am not clear if this is your mother's complaints to you or if you are judging the situation on your own.
That is to say, has your mother EXPRESSED to you that she WANTS connections, but cannot make them? Or are you making that up.
To be honest, I am 82. My partner is 84. We really spend most of our time alone, fostering our little dog, gardening, banging our "this old house" together, seeing our kids (now in 60s and 70s. We daily both take walks together or apart.
Were I to lose him I would be mostly alone. I am CONTENT alone. VERY.

If your mom is looking for ideas, I would suggest senior centers, the library and its programs, learning to knit, doing collage, looking for groups online next door or Facebook, and etc. It isn't up to you to manage her life or her happiness, and you shouldn't enable to by taking that on. She may actually be telling you she wants to move in with YOU and if you are suspecting that time for an honest talk about how likely that is or is not.
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ElizabethAR37 Aug 18, 2024
Agree, AlvaDeer. If mom is a quintessential introvert like me, she may end up being perfectly content with a limited social life. I volunteered at a cat rescue/rehoming nonprofit for almost 10 years until back problems forced me to quit. I really enjoyed the cats--and mom might decide to adopt one after a while. We adopted a senior (now 14+ Y/O) cat 2 years ago; she is very little work.
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Mom needs counseling! This care giving {year 6 for me} becomes our purpose in life {I am 73}....I decided to try counseling 18 months ago to look at what my life can/will be after this ends …I have learned to LIVE now! I am very socially engaged and still do my caregiving duties. I am happy again. My counselor slowly helped me start joining groups etc. I am a true believer counseling works..Good Luck
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
Thank you. I have encourage counseling, but she is reluctant. I can try again.
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I'm 75 years old. I lost my husband of 38 years in December of last year. In addition to having a hereditary terminal disease, he had parkinsons and dementia. I was his caregiver for four years.

I had four yeas to think about what my life might look like after my husband died. I read books about it. I searched the internet looking for stories similar to mine. How did they do it? How do you come out the other side whole? One thing that has helped immensely is the Alzheimer's Support Group. The one I attend is comprised of 20 to 25 people who are either currently caregivers, widows or widowers of dementia spouses (or relatives) or those people who are serving to provide emotional support of a caregiver. Every three weeks we meet. A room full of people, close to my age, all sharing common stories, their coping mechanisms...and looking for answers. Besides all the amazing information and support I receive...and the immeasurable amount of unconditional acceptance, I have found a new circle of people in my life. Not immediate and great friends, but people who have reached out to me to offer a road map to rebuilding, helping me to get out of my comfort zone.

It is very much an effort. After my husband's death, I started keeping a journal. Whenever I see a news story or read an article, or hear people relating an experience that sounds interesting, I write it down.
I reread my entries. Does it still interest me? Then I browse the Internet again...are there stories 'out there' of others who have tried these things...on their own? As part of a group? How did they go about making sure they will be safe? Researching as much as possible until I am informed enough to think I might try something similar.

But, it all comes down to knowing what you want. I am fortunate in so many ways. I have learned that when I step out of my comfort zone, I am always rewarded with learning more about myself. I have learned that the happiest people have come to know that asking for help, or taking a chance to reach out to someone -even at the risk of being turned down - gets a bit easier each time you do it. I learned that, God willing, I could live another 15 or more years. Will I be happy (content even) continuing to live as I am?

Change is made from within. But kudos to you for recognizing your mom's place in time and wanting to encourage her. I hope, when she is ready to hear you, that it will touch her enough to begin the next part of her journey...whatever it may look like. Best wishes to you both.
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Evamar Aug 20, 2024
Judy,
Thank you for sharing your story.
I think it is very important that we think about life past caregiving. Some feel guilty or disloyal, yet most of us made arrangements for spouses if something happens to us, caregivers.
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I am 70, and have decreased activities over the years, but am still very active with friends and families. You could contact the senior center in the area where she lives and see what activities they have. My center provides hot meals 5 days a week and they have bingo, gardening, woodcarving, exercise etc etc etc. I attend some of the activities and there's always tons of people there. Many have formed friendships and look out for each other. Also, many churches have groups for seniors. Does she have neighbors the same age?

Just know she is not going to be busy 7 days a week and that is ok. One or two events a week are enough.
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97yroldmom Aug 18, 2024
LakeErie,
I second your great suggestion. .
I have a cousin in her early 60s who took her parents to the senior center every day for lunch. Now they have both passed and she still goes to the senior center every day to play games, have lunch and connect with others, both caregivers and the ones they bring to lunch. She went through (and is still going through) tough times but this is an underutilized resource in many communities. she lives in a rural area. And travels a few miles to a town of about 6,000.
When her mom was about midway in her Parkinson’s/LBD, she took mom riding shotgun to deliver frozen meals on wheels to the shut ins throughout the area.
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yarrow, how kind of you to be concerned about your mom and her situation. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your dad. Daughters have a difficult time grieving for dad while caring for mom. Been there, done that. It wasn’t till after my mom passed away that I grieved for my dad and for my mom. She had needed my strength.
Now, I am in your mother’s situation, although much older. My husband suffered for 8-9 years from Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s. It was an horrific ordeal for him. He passed away 2 months ago today. We had been married 59 years and 2 months to the day.
I am searching for my way after all those years as a caretaker. My daughter tries to help, despite her grieving. She, too, is about 2 hrs away.
This is the first time I’m alone I over 84 years. Had lived w my parents till we married, then with the live of my life till last June. Now what?
My heart, my body, my soul need to grieve. Walking the community helps…going to daily Mass helps. Being with people…not so much unless I decide it’s a day my heart can do it. Otherwise, I prefer to be alone.
Right now, am reaching out for grief counseling through my church and through Tidewell Hospice. Have yet to make the calls…not quite ready.
Talk to mom and be gentle, just don’t push her. Her heart is broken. She’s lost, if like me. Keep a loving eye on her as you’re doing. That means so much. I wish you and her a smooth journey through this fog of grief. My prayers are with you both.
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97yroldmom Aug 18, 2024
LovingWife
I am sorry for your loss. Big Hugs
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