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My mom lovingly and diligently cared for my ailing dad over the past 7-8 years. He had Parkinson's, and she retired to care for him. She was an amazing caregiver.
She has been a window for about a year now, and can't find her purpose. She lives alone and is reluctant to move closer to me or my sibling.
Fortunately, she is relatively healthy and tries to take care of herself physically (through diet and exercise). She is still able to manage her house, finances, etc. So that gives her a little to do.
Her social/emotional health is poor though. She is lonely and bored. :(
She is reluctant to search for activities and volunteer opportunities. I am about 2 hours away, and when she stays with me, I find things for her to do. She is a good sport in trying things but has a hard time making social connections.
She lost conversation skills caring for my declining dad over the past 7-8 years. He had Parkinson's dementia and was unable to provide social companionship.
She is part of a small cultural community but has no close friends. She may get an invitation every 6-8 weeks.
I don't know how to help her. She rejects all advice.

Yarrow, first I want to say , so sorry about your dad , that must of been hard for both of you.

I am glad that she is 2 hours away so she doesn't become dependent on you. I think it's best for both of you

Sence she likes exercising, and lives in a small community, I would try to talk her into small steps. I'm thinking a walk around a block or two, and just say hi to people she sees, and maybe get her to start a little small talk.

Also I'm thinking get her to go to her local convenience store once a day for a coffee, and smile to people she sees. To get her out just around people.

Best of luck
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yarrow Aug 13, 2024
Thank you for your condolences.

You are right. I, too, feel that she would become dependent if she lived a few minutes away.
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She Maybe depressed . Is there a senior center near by ? Maybe suggest a cooking class or art class .
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I suggest the book, "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief", by David Kessler, for starters.

Volunteer work in a local hospital with babies or young children is also a good idea. She can read to the kids, or even be a companion to elders in nursing homes. Giving back is a good way to regain ones purpose in life pretty fast.

If she rejects reading the book and volunteer work, you tried, let her alone to find her own way.

My condolences on the loss of your dad,
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yarrow Aug 13, 2024
Thank you for your condolences. It was a very hard time for all of us.

Volunteering in the hospital is a good idea. I will encourage her to look into it.
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I’m sure she is still grieving. If she never sought grief support, I would recommend it. There are groups, counselors, excellent books and other resources. I understand she may not be willing, and that is her choice. It hurts to see our loved ones suffering, but we can’t fix it. I don’t know if you ever sought grief support, but I wish I had when my mom died 20 years ago, didn’t think I needed it.
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yarrow Aug 13, 2024
Thanks. This is a good idea. The hospice my dad was in offered grief counseling, but my mom didn't wish to try it.
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My guess is that she's still in the grieving process for your father. You can't do much to speed that up, beyond being your loving and supportive self. Don't push her to do anything, accept and love her as she is for the time being. Allow her to rest and heal from her prolonged ordeal and her loss. Trust her ability to regroup on her own at her own pace.

If months and months go by, and if she still hasn't found her own way to activities that give her pleasure.... if you believe that she's suffering, you might gently urge her to see her PCP about meds for depression, and/or possibly short term talk therapy with a skilled PhD psychologist.

Consider whether your urgent need to find fast fixes for your mother might possibly be more about your issues than your moms (?) You're grieving, too - you've lost your father and that takes a very long time to process. It can trigger lots of anxieties about ageing and the future.

And your mom might never feel much happier despite all the advances in health that are happening. The sad reality for most elderly (including myself) is that life is more like a Dickens novel than Anne of Green Gables.

Hope things improve for you and your family. Best wishes!
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I do hope that you understand that it's not up to you to help your mom find her purpose again.
She's going to have to figure that out on her own. And she will in time, so just be patient.
Your dads only been gone for a year. That is not nearly enough time for her to adjust to her new life and grieve on top of that. So cut her some slack.
I cared for my late husband for many many years and he's been dead going on 4 years now, and I am just now figuring out what I want my new life to look like. It doesn't happen overnight as you may think it does.
So give your mom some breathing room and allow her the necessary time to grieve the man she loved and lost, and don't worry, she will in time get things figured out.
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yarrow Aug 13, 2024
You are absolutely right. I just worry that her world will get smaller and smaller the longer she waits.
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I hesitated to suggest this but decided to throw it out -- would she benefit from an older pet? An older dog or cat that is somewhat low-maintenance but would be company for her? At least for now?
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funkygrandma59 Aug 12, 2024
YaYa, you sound just like my daughter after my husband died. She asked...why don't you think about getting a small dog now mom that would keep you company? To which I replied...thanks but NO thanks. I do not want to have to be responsible for another living creature right now(human or animal)and possible ever.
Plus I wanted to be able to come and go as I pleased, and when you have any pets you always have to make sure they're taken care of by someone if not you.
So again I say...NO thanks!

However I do understand for those people unlike me that don't like to leave their homes much and aren't very social, that a dog or cat may be just what the doctor ordered.
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My own experience of needing to make friends in a new place and situation, aged 77, is that for me it doesn’t work quickly. I can’t start a conversation and immediately have a new connection. What is working better is to join a class or a group that meets regularly, and just be part of it. That way you become a known face and eventually have something shared to talk about (and not just your life story). It takes time, even to learn people’s names!

A “search for activities” when she visits you won’t help, if she is like me. Could you focus on what she can do close to where she lives? Go with her, to check it out. Give her an incentive to try, and say it’s not for her sake, it’s to help YOU and stop you worrying about her. Please, M.
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yarrow Aug 13, 2024
Yes, this is a good suggestion. When I've visited, I've helped find activities near her. I also signed her up to receive the rec guide in the mail.

Thank you.
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Honestly you can't do this for your mom, she has to do it for herself.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 12, 2024
I'm thinking she might do it for OP. My push to join classes (usually about something I already know) is my own DH being concerned about me. He does his best, but he can't make new woman friends for me.
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This is a lead a horse to water situation.


Don’t not encourage her to move near you or she’ll likely expect you to entertain her and be her sole social outlet.
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It's hard when a person won't listen to advice. Does she have any friends from years ago that would be willing to reach out to her and just chat with her? I think it's good for a person to seek out volunteer activities, too. It makes one forget oneself in helping others. If she refuses all offers, though, you really can't make her do anything. She might be in need of counseling. Medications for depression are not good for seniors, so avoid that route.
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She’s probably still grieving and readjusting, I’d let her acclimate on her own. We don’t always need tons of things to do, sometimes we just have to go through stuff.
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I am not clear if this is your mother's complaints to you or if you are judging the situation on your own.
That is to say, has your mother EXPRESSED to you that she WANTS connections, but cannot make them? Or are you making that up.
To be honest, I am 82. My partner is 84. We really spend most of our time alone, fostering our little dog, gardening, banging our "this old house" together, seeing our kids (now in 60s and 70s. We daily both take walks together or apart.
Were I to lose him I would be mostly alone. I am CONTENT alone. VERY.

If your mom is looking for ideas, I would suggest senior centers, the library and its programs, learning to knit, doing collage, looking for groups online next door or Facebook, and etc. It isn't up to you to manage her life or her happiness, and you shouldn't enable to by taking that on. She may actually be telling you she wants to move in with YOU and if you are suspecting that time for an honest talk about how likely that is or is not.
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ElizabethAR37 Aug 18, 2024
Agree, AlvaDeer. If mom is a quintessential introvert like me, she may end up being perfectly content with a limited social life. I volunteered at a cat rescue/rehoming nonprofit for almost 10 years until back problems forced me to quit. I really enjoyed the cats--and mom might decide to adopt one after a while. We adopted a senior (now 14+ Y/O) cat 2 years ago; she is very little work.
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Hi
probably attend a couple things/events with your mother would help. But if she’s not comfortable with anything then to accept your mother doesn’t want to socialise outside the family unit
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
Thank you. I hope this is not the case, but I hadn't thought that the family may be enough for her. In which case, she should move closer to me or my brother.
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Mom needs counseling! This care giving {year 6 for me} becomes our purpose in life {I am 73}....I decided to try counseling 18 months ago to look at what my life can/will be after this ends …I have learned to LIVE now! I am very socially engaged and still do my caregiving duties. I am happy again. My counselor slowly helped me start joining groups etc. I am a true believer counseling works..Good Luck
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
Thank you. I have encourage counseling, but she is reluctant. I can try again.
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I am 70, and have decreased activities over the years, but am still very active with friends and families. You could contact the senior center in the area where she lives and see what activities they have. My center provides hot meals 5 days a week and they have bingo, gardening, woodcarving, exercise etc etc etc. I attend some of the activities and there's always tons of people there. Many have formed friendships and look out for each other. Also, many churches have groups for seniors. Does she have neighbors the same age?

Just know she is not going to be busy 7 days a week and that is ok. One or two events a week are enough.
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97yroldmom Aug 18, 2024
LakeErie,
I second your great suggestion. .
I have a cousin in her early 60s who took her parents to the senior center every day for lunch. Now they have both passed and she still goes to the senior center every day to play games, have lunch and connect with others, both caregivers and the ones they bring to lunch. She went through (and is still going through) tough times but this is an underutilized resource in many communities. she lives in a rural area. And travels a few miles to a town of about 6,000.
When her mom was about midway in her Parkinson’s/LBD, she took mom riding shotgun to deliver frozen meals on wheels to the shut ins throughout the area.
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yarrow, how kind of you to be concerned about your mom and her situation. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your dad. Daughters have a difficult time grieving for dad while caring for mom. Been there, done that. It wasn’t till after my mom passed away that I grieved for my dad and for my mom. She had needed my strength.
Now, I am in your mother’s situation, although much older. My husband suffered for 8-9 years from Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s. It was an horrific ordeal for him. He passed away 2 months ago today. We had been married 59 years and 2 months to the day.
I am searching for my way after all those years as a caretaker. My daughter tries to help, despite her grieving. She, too, is about 2 hrs away.
This is the first time I’m alone I over 84 years. Had lived w my parents till we married, then with the live of my life till last June. Now what?
My heart, my body, my soul need to grieve. Walking the community helps…going to daily Mass helps. Being with people…not so much unless I decide it’s a day my heart can do it. Otherwise, I prefer to be alone.
Right now, am reaching out for grief counseling through my church and through Tidewell Hospice. Have yet to make the calls…not quite ready.
Talk to mom and be gentle, just don’t push her. Her heart is broken. She’s lost, if like me. Keep a loving eye on her as you’re doing. That means so much. I wish you and her a smooth journey through this fog of grief. My prayers are with you both.
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97yroldmom Aug 18, 2024
LovingWife
I am sorry for your loss. Big Hugs
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Losing a spouse is challenging no matter what age it happens. I was fifty-nine when my husband passed. I had lost my dad two years before, so I was dealing with two deaths to grieve. Two years later after losing my husband, my job was outsourced. The way they tell it, it wasn't personal. It was all about business and preserving the organization. I had a lot on my plate. I was widowed and jobless. All of my friends were getting older and some have even passed away. I have at least two left at this point in life, and one is eighty-five. She is still going strong. The Al-Anon support meetings I belong to here in DC, have dried up. We lost our Service Center since no one wanted to take positions. All of our longtime members have passed on. The newer breed that have taken over are very hard to relate to. So, if I want a meeting, I will have to do a Zoom meeting or telephone. This has been going on since the pandemic and has become the norm.

I'm not as active since all of this has happened. However, I am driving more than ever. At one point, I was just doing Instacart for groceries and sitting alone on weekends at home. Four years took a toll on everybody during this entire pandemic. People here didn't want to go back work and wanted to continue to telecommute work. Now, we have a bunch of office buildings that will probably be turned apartments or seniors buildings.

As long as you mom is doing okay and managing on her own, I wouldn't be too worried. My friend is eighty-five and still swims, travels, and does housework. She took her vacation in Ocean City back in July and spent time with family. She has a timeshare there. Loss of independence is a fear that keeps us older folks motivated and plugging away at life. We may not do it as quickly as we did before or need to sit down more because of sore knees and back pain, but we are getting things done.

Social connections can be tricky. Eventually, your mom will find her group. Pottery, craft, sewing and cooking classes work well. I think it's all about finding an interest and people you can connect with.

I had joined a Zoom Grief Support group located in DC but it did little for me. I didn't meld well with the facilitators of the group.
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MiaMoor Aug 18, 2024
I am sorry for how your life has narrowed. I hope that you are finding other ways to have a fulfilling life. Remember that you deserve a good life.
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Sounds like she needs a church family.
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MiaMoor Aug 18, 2024
What if she doesn't attend a church?
My only regular social contact is through work, but I'm not religious, so attending church for company would be hypocritical.

I'd imagine if the OP's mother was religious, she would already have a church 'family".
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My 35 year old daughter belongs to a book club where she has made friends with a group of people of different backgrounds and ages, including some people in their 70s and 80s. If your mum likes reading, I would recommend that.
Any type of activity is good because your main goal is the activity and socialising is just a secondary thing that can happen gradually.
Going to the local leisure centre for the gym, yoga, Tai Chi or swimming classes could be a good way to get out, be healthy, and possibly meet others.
Anything that happens every week, so that your mum is getting out and about, and her chances of widening her circle of friends is increased.
There might be social meet-up groups for retirees in your mum's area - they often advertise through Facebook or, perhaps, local papers.
Perhaps, your mum could reconnect with a hobby or passion she hasn't been able to give any time to, until now.
I hope that your mum finds her spark again.
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This post has just jogged my memory!
The other day I passed a poster asking for people to join a choir to put on a show to raise money for the Alzheimer's Society. The choir will start meeting up in September.
My mum is currently receiving palliative care and I'm being strong now, but know it won't last. I'm thinking of signing up because it will get me out and I'll meet up with others who know how hard it is to lose someone to dementia. Singing will be good for my heart and it will connect me to Mum.

What I'm trying to say is that there are often opportunities out there if you open yourself up to them. However, it can be hard and, sometimes, we need a little help (or even a bit of a push!) and a reminder.
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Boy super tough question. Maybe you could find out what is available and both of you visit. You stated when she visits you do you visit her for a week or so to see exactly what she does or doesnt do. Not sure where she lives but it's easier said than done to get myself up and out of the house. As you can maybe tell I'm 75 as well. Not sure what she did before she retired. Some counties have senior helping senior by just visiting in their home. You would be surprised what that might do for her. Sounds like she's in a rut and she just tired. Sometimes we get a lil lost as we did so much to care for our loved one and when it stops we don't know what to do for ourselves. Loneliness is a heart breaker. But i will say this you sure are the best any parent could ask for and for all of us seniors thank you for being you.
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
So true! She is in a rut and needs to find a way to find a meaningful endeavor again.

I actually volunteer visiting a homebound senior a few times a month.

My mom lives in an area where there are fewer of these services. Plus, she is not homebound, so she may not be eligible.
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I would suggest three things:
1. Take her for tours of some 65 and up communities. There are apts, cooperatives, and villages. Tell her you want her to know what is available to her that would give her more social interaction because that is necessary for good health and you are concerned. It can be a fun outing. Don't do more than one in a day and then go out to lunch and back home to rest. Moving anywhere may be a big emotional strain so who her how you can make it easier for her.

2. Where she is, she is drenched in habits that centered around your dad. She may not be able to recognize those behaviors - like not going to church or not inviting someone to lunch or she may just be so tired that doing anything is overwhelming. You have to show her how to take the next steps. You might be able to enlist an old friend to help. To reconnect can be difficult in too small of a community.

3. Slowly reintroduce her to things she used to enjoy. A small flower garden in or outdoors, sewing, bird watching and feeding, playing a musical instrument, joining a choir, a bible study, book club, using the library, painting, walking, (you may have to look hard for groups or call someone from the local library - even if in another town- to come there and offer to lead a group. Libraries have more than books to share...they have all kinds of interests. May be this is a good time to go through some photographs, boxes of stuff, clear out a closet. Think about what your mother used to enjoy and what she CAN do now. Start from there. Dont do too much for her, she has to be ready to step out on her own.
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
Thank you. We have been on tours of 65+ communities, but she hasn't found one she feels comfortable with.

I appreciate the suggestion about the library and have encouraged her to look into it. She needs a buddy, and I'm too far to be her buddy.

When she visits me, I plan different things in my area that she enjoys. However, she can't muster up the initiative to do the same in her hometown.
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I am 75 years old, and my husband and I are taking care of my 95-year-old essentially blind and deaf, and wheelchair bound mother. I would love to find a purpose for her, too. As a 75-year-old woman, I understand a little of how emotionally immobile your mother seems to be because my husband is in precarious health, and I am terrified of losing him. It may be that your mother needs more time, and/or a reason to move near you. Perhaps, if you can find something that you need help with(children, work, homelife, etc.), that might convince her to move if a move near you is the best solution for you both. I know I would move in a heartbeat if my children needed me near them, especially if my children helped me find an affordable place to live. Moving out of one's home and city is very hard, even if one's spouse is still alive. Doing it without the comfort and support of one's partner of so many years would be horrible. My mother was in mild dementia when we had to bring her near us after only two months of my dad's passing. At that time, we had no idea that she was in dementia because my dad had compensated so very well for her, and we had been staying in hotels when we went to visit them so that they did not feel they had "to do" for us. If she finally agrees to move, it will be a huge change for you and her, so prepare carefully as much as possible. With my mother, it took three moves for us to finally find the right living situation for her because we were unaware of her dementia and chalked a lot of her vagueness and inability to think up to grief. Your mother, however, is in good shape mentally, just stuck and scared. I hope you find a lot of ideas here in this great forum and wish you and your mom lots of good years living near each other if that is the solution for you both.
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
Thank you. You are right...she is stuck and scared.
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Sorry to learn about losing your father. Have your mother's health checked out by her PCP. If she does not improve with socially in six months, it's time to look into professional advice. The grieving period may last 2 years.
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Condolences on the loss of your father.

Just another dimension to add to the many thoughtful ideas already shared on AC- after being a caregiver to your father for all those years, is it possible your mom is afraid she’ll become a burden to you or your siblings? First I agree with others that she should consult her doctor to discern depression versus “normal grief “. Also a grief support group could help. When the time is right, you might benefit from having frank conversations with her. What are her hopes and fears ? Reassure her that the more help that she accepts now, whether it be from family, or a community retirement home, the longer she will remain independent. Don’t be afraid to speak up if it’s easier for you or your sibs to help if she were to move closer! IF this is TRUE , say “Mom please consider moving closer and moving in to a senior living home for ME, this would help ME so much”. You might find it helpful to have a third party facilitate the conversation. Some regions offer a free service that helps seniors find a suitable living situation (often they get a kick back from a retirement home if a new resident signs a lease, etc). For my in-laws we had a phenomenal woman from “Alliance for Senior Housing” who really connected with our parents and discussed some hard to talk about topics like aging in place and staying social, their fears and hopes, etc. Our parents seemed more receptive to this discussion from her than from their own 4 kids and their spouses. Eventually they moved in to an “independent living community “ that offered progressive levels of care when needed. My MIL surprised us all with a resurgence of her social skills - even made FIL go watch TV in the community room so she could have her new friends over to play cards LOL : )
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Maybe have her join a gym. Usually, the older people go in the morning and do water aerobic and other classes. Another idea is to join the local senior center. They have all kinds of fun activities.
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
The gym is the one thing she has that's she seems happy about. The local senior center does not have much happening. We looked into it.
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Here's the point of view of a 75 year old. Does she want your help? Is it something you can speak freely about? Is she the type of person who welcomes input? Does she complain? If you have an opening, I would talk to her about depression. That can lead to inertia and lack of interest, but can be treated.

For myself, I find that getting outside, even just a daily walk, is important. A pet is a great motivator as well as companionship. I volunteer at local organizations which gets me out of the house even when inertia gets in my way. And my peers understand what goes on in our stage of life.

based on my own experience with my mom, who lived until 96, I would not indulge complaining. It's a bad habit and self-defeating for both of you.
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
She will ask for help when absolutely necessary.

She is okay getting imput but is passive about making decisions regarding her own life. She always put my dad first. She's lost as to her next steps.

She's thankfully not a complainer.
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She is probably still shell shocked. After taking care of your spouse and watching them die...it is a form of PTSD. If she could just manage to join a book club or walking group or water aerobics at a local gym, she might find that there are tons of women in her same situation. Having a friend to have lunch with or travel with is life changing. Try to find things in her area and then when you are visiting her, take her and visit one of these activities. She might take to it and try it solo once you leave. Check local churches for a grief meeting. If she refuses any and all, you may have to accept that she just doesn't want to do anything and may be content with the calm and quiet after what she has been through.
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
She does take care of herself by going to a weekday (M-F) seniors' class at a local gym. However, it hasn't led to new friendships.

She's never been one to have loads of friends. I was just hopeful she would make one friend.
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Know that it is important for seniors - those that are outgoing as well as those who are more reserved - to have daily social interaction. Start with asking her about what she enjoys - morning person or night owl, outdoorsy or indoorsy, large group or a few intimate friends, hobbies, arts, sports, spiritual preferences... Ask her to engage is discovering what available in her area. Don't pressure her to commit but ask her to "test drive" or "date" different opportunities for 3-4 times. Eventually, she will become more comfortable getting out on her own and interacting with others.

In my mom's case, she moved 1 1/2 hour away from me when I moved to Florida. She moved from Illinois after my Gram had passed with Mom as her caregiver for 7 years. I told her that she would need to get involved with a loving group of church people and make friends with her neighbors - since they would be her first "responders" for help because of the distance. I made the effort to attend churches with her for a couple months until she found one she was comfortable with. She joined an older women's Bible study and has dear friends in this group now. She is friends with some lady neighbors and can call on their husbands for "fix-it" help when my hubby and I are not available. I do make it a priority to visit her weekly to make sure she is safe, healthy, and doing alright. It gives her a chance to plan fun things for us to do together.
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yarrow Aug 22, 2024
This is good advice. I'm glad your mom has made new close friends. You are so thoughtful to visit her weekly.
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