Follow
Share

Dad lives with us and spends alot of time on his computer, especially social media. He has become obsessed with the Virus and listens to alot of hype. He keeps track of statistics, and writes down how many more people have died than the day before. Sometimes he can't sleep because he is worried about the nurses. (Both his wives were nurses.) My husband and I both work full time and cannot be there to entertain him. I have had chats with him that it might be a good idea for him to take a walk, sit outside on the patio, do a jigsaw puzzle, word search, record his memories on a video camera, etc. He swears he doesn't obsess, but he does. Our relationship has suffered tremendously since he moved in with us. I am his target now. I know nothing and am always wrong. I could go on for hours, but I'll narrow it down to: What is everyone doing to keep their loved ones occupied right now? Should I cut off his internet access?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

31 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Can you give him tasks to help you. Ask him to help you stay positive and focused by daily telling you three things about you he’s grateful for and three things beyond you he’s grateful for. Explain how it helps you stay positive during this time. And listen while he shares his knowledge and his worry. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I would suggest limiting his access. ( or limit his access to reliable websites) Mental health experts are suggesting that for all of us. The activities you suggested are great. How about using the video camera for recording thank you messages for your local first responders and health care workers. What about creating thank you posters for your front yard. Writing thank you notes to the workers would be awesome. If he has the financial ability, perhaps he would like to treat the staff of the E.R or the local first responders to snacks, pizza, whatever (Don't go overboard) as a thank you. Health care workers and first responders love to eat.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
As he is concerned about nurses, maybe suggest he write letters of support to the nurses, doctors or other medical professionals and you can send (or not depending on how they are) them to the folks on the front lines of this. That may be an action plan for him that may make him feel he's helping.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Does your Dad like to write? If so, set up a blog for him and he can write his research and feelings down on a daily basis and report what he has learned. That might redirect his obsessions about the virus. Also, ask him what one of his favorite old shows on TV was. Between Netflix and Amazon Prime, its possible they have reruns. That might get him off the 24/7 media fixation of the virus. Main thing, be patient and good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Could it be he is keeping himself entertained?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Do not cut off his internet access. Yes, the closest loved one (the caregiver) is often the target of a little bad behavior from the parent. Engage him in crossword puzzles IF YOU CAN.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
It seems to me the major caretaker is usually the one the patient finds most irritating. Try your best not to be discouraged. Perhaps you can get him involved with Ancestry.com, since he enjoys the computer. Tell him you need his help, make him think he is doing it for you. Begin a scrapbook of your own with pictures and stories of your own and tell him you really need his help.

Good luck
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I don't know this man, and I don't want this statement to sound like a stereotype about men. Many of the guys I know, of all different ages, love stats of all kinds. Right now, for many of them, one of their favorite categories, namely sports, is completely unavailable to them. Another favorite category for some is the economy. The stock market is almost too volatile to even keep track of. Employment figures are alarming and they cut too close to home, particularly for any reasonably traditional male who would identify strongly with his job, and in his generation may well have been the primary breadwinner for the family. 
He's living through a personal, national, and international catastrophe, and he feels completely sidelined. Subconsciously he may feel that the only thing he can "do" is gather information. Oh, and the other things he can do are to worry and report. So that what he is doing. 
I like the idea of asking him for even _more_ detailed information. He could research stats about particular cities (including percentages of the populace, not just numbers of deaths). I would also ask him about recoveries, mild cases, asymptomatic cases, new research on treatments....If you can't beat him, it might be just as well to let him be your resident expert.
Down the line, if he continues to disrespect you in your own home, you may have other courses of action to ponder, but right now weathering the crisis of the hour is maybe about all you can do. If you are able to enlist any help from your husband by having him help with beguiling the hours cheerfully chatting about death and destruction with Dad, that could ease your mental exhaustion. And, you might mention to your husband that if Dad is particularly dismissive of you at some point, you would not be offended if your husband reminds Dad that "she may be your daughter, but she is _my_ wife, and _nobody_ treats my wife that way." 
These are just thoughts. 
 He's worried about the nurses, but, obliquely, he is probably worried about you and your husband too, because you go to work "out there, where the virus is." I would not take his computer away. Even if it seems obsessive, right now it is how he is processing,
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
If there is some way to get someone to care for him while you are gone, that would be great. You made a big mistake when you allowed him to live with you but the harm is now done. Either find someone to take care of him or plan to place him when the virus problem ends (hopefully). In the meantime, lay down some solid rules - this is YOUR home, YOUR RULES and he must behave or else. He may not have internet but he will see the same on t.v. so that won't work and will give him less to do. I would just simply ignore him or tell him you simply will NOT discuss anything negative, etc. You must stand up to him and put him in his place so he understands. Do NOT let this man destroy you - he has to be stopped no matter what you have to do to stop it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Please don't cut off his internet access. It's a way for him to feel connected. But perhaps you can block the disturbing websites using parental controls. It may not be such a good time to take walks by himself if he is not capable of being careful about social distancing and hand washing, etc. It's a difficult time for all of us in this time of coronavirus. I've found with my husband (86 years old) and mother (96 years old) that I cannot suggest things for them to do. It has to come from them. When my mother was still verbal she often complained that I was trying to be the mother, meaning that I was being very controlling in her mind. She did not recognize that she was doing illogical things or was in a muddle about some things. I had to learn to accept her as she was and let her do what she wanted as long as she was not hurting herself or others, and things got better for us. You have a lot of responsibilities, so don't forget to take care of yourself. Stay well!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
You might help him set up a Facebook account and see if you can find anyone he knows on it. Everyone is worried, everyone is anxious, so from what you describe his behavior is normal. I agree with another poster that charting the new cases is a way to understand what's going on. This is where I go to get my data: https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/map.html. He's probably going to the same place. If he's not getting any exercise you might help him with that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Let your dad continue doing what he likes. If he is religious like my parents are. I play some hymns through our Amazon dot. This helps relieve the tension.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I m 86 years old. i have precious friends also in their 80's. We are all very strong and healthy mentally and physically.We are all very independent and well able to comfortably take care of ourselves. We do have precious friends and loved ones who respect us, value our opinions, ask us for advice, and enjoy our companionship as much as we do theirs. I have also had a very few acquaintances who politely and pityingly disrespect me just because of my age.How horrible it must be to become helpless, dependent, and to have everybody consider you in need of caretaking. I dread becoming like that.I hope i never become someone who needs to be "kept occupied" instead of valued and appreciated.I plead with everyone to accept people in their 80's as fully as you do younger people.Longtime drug use whether prescribed or illegal does do brain damage.I believe I am so mentally and physically healthy because I never took any vicodin, diuretics, statins, nor so called antidepressants. I threw away a lot of prescriptions without ever filling them. Metformin and biophosphonates are also dangerous.Every old person does not develope dementia. Every long term drug user does. May God have mercy!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I just reread your question and I would like to add this to my former comments. I have learned when dealing with my husband to keep things very calm here, is how I react to things he says or does. So if I don't react, or how I react, it is amazing.

He is older then you, has experienced so much more, so I am sure he does or feels he does know more then you. That's ok. Give him credit for that and don't argue with him. Ask him more about it. It's how you react. It really works.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
He sounds much like myself and I know charting and being fully informed is what I do, even if it's upsetting. I would NOT want anyone to take that away from me at any age in my life. I am almost 80.

What I try to do when it is really upsetting, is to look at the large number of people it is not infecting and the large number that survive. The percentage of deaths compared to those infected, etc. All that makes it more calming.

Maybe, when you get home you could sit down with him and go over those figures with him. Look at the cities the numbers are coming down in, etc.

Also, watch the amount of caffine and sugar he is on in his food and drink, to help calm him. Remind him of the polio days and how frightening that was, including the quarantines we had then, and we made it through.

Have him help you, make a batch of cookies, set the table, make the bed, unload the dryer, fold the wash. All things that will take up some of the worry time and he will feel so needed. Also try playing Big Band music from the 40s on your Alexa, if you have one. That music has done wonders in our house. It's happy music and calming for our age.

But charting is a part of him and that's ok, just guide him to the right charts. Blessings to you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
KaleyBug avatar
K
KaleyBug Apr 2020
My dad is 96 and of sound mind. He follows the events daily also. I think it is good, he is informed and understands when we have to stretch our meals and supplies to limit my time going into the public.
(2)
Report
My husband is 84 and enjoys stamp collecting and spends his days on computer reading blogs about stamps and watching you tube videos about them. He buys some on eBay for his collecion. Maybe find something (else) that interests your dad and find sites about it on computer for him to get him started.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Why try to control his interests?
Maybe look at things in a different way, and just try and not let him or his interests bother you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Don't cut off his internet. Have him use the figures he is tracking to make charts of the progression of the Virus if he can do that. Was he an engineer or something science related during his working career? Scientists love to make charts.
Making DIY masks or putting together "help" packages to donate might help him feel he is doing something positive. Making a couple of masks myself lately has been very engaging and make me feel like I am taking some action beyond just staying home.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
He is worried about other people, that’s a good thing. Perhaps if he has the ability and you are able to provide the materials needed maybe his worry can be put to use by making masks for people. This will keep his hands and mind occupied plus give him the benefit of feeling good about helping the people he is worried about.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
If he’s insistent on keeping up with the virus updates, make a sheet with categories of # patients recovered now, hospital admissions, info on treatments that are working, and which countries are close to having vaccines. He can still track deaths, but needs to see that # will be declining shortly, too. Ask him about proning technique being used, drugs with promise, etc. Some states have very few cases anymore! He’ll see we’re beating this thing.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Your dad can watch some of Dr Kent Hovind's Youtube seminars on creation and his debates with atheists and evolutionists. His inquiring mind will find them stimulating. He may even want to contact Dr Hovind in his live Q and A show if he has any questions!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Introduce him to YouTube. Fix it videos, old tv shows like Bonanza, Hi Chaperal, Big Valley, Rifleman, Daniel Boone, if he is into whatever hobby, there should be videos. Mom has a smart tv with a firestick Alexa. Introduce him to speak to Alexa
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I also agree with those who said do not cut off the internet. My best friend who is in her 60's is also obsessed with COVID-19 and keeps track of all the numbers and she does not have dementia.

What did your Dad do before this virus came?

My 94 year old Mom likes to feel needed and I let her wash the dishes and after she leaves the kitchen I re-wash the dishes because she doesn't notice that she leaves them dirty. But I let her do it anyway because it makes her feel good.

Can you give your Dad some chores to do even if you don't need them done? Maybe he needs to feel needed.

My Mom enjoys playing cards (even though I don't I still play with her), she loves listening to music (she has an Alexa in her bedroom that she asks to play certain songs). Then my Mom enjoys the game shows.

Hope this helps a bit,
Jenna
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I care for my 81 year old father and I think I obsess over the news more than he does and he’s the one with dementia 😁. It’s hard to not want to know what’s going on with this virus. My father is bored however. He’s used to being out and about. So I’ve been thinking of stuff we can do together around the house. I came up with taking pictures, gardening, taking the dog for walks, reading, and oh the other day we had a picnic in the back yard. That was really nice.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
S
Sunshine66 Apr 2020
A picnic sounds like a great idea! Dad has several things to do, like jigsaw puzzles, computer solitaire, walk around the block, and he will sometimes video record memories. He has loved reading books, but hasn't been interested in reading them lately. He has shot alot of photographs over the years and will play with those on the computer as well. If I'm home, I try to get him to play dominoes, Yahtzee or Farkle with me. With all the options, he still manages to find the most negative Corona info out there.
(0)
Report
Sounds like my mother....every day she comes downstairs to announce how many people have died so far, and how many new cases there are...if she could watch the news 24/7 she would. she has become literally obsessed with the virus...Yes, like you "I know nothing and am always wrong" too, it is her way or the highway...we moved downstairs in our little apartment to take care of my sweet, loving, kind, gentle father when he had scalp melanoma...but right now, I'd like to put a deadbolt on that door and stay out of the way.
Is it just the internet he accesses, yes, cut him off. But I am sure the TV, and newspaper will give him the virus news he craves...I think being cooped up in the house under quarantine will just make everything worse...he needs a hobby, and so does my mother.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
No, don’t cute off his computer. That’s keeping his mind active. I have my 88 year old mother here with my boyfriend and myself. I have been getting our photo albums, and taking time to make sure with her that everybody in the picture is listed on the back. She does not have dementia. She has a cell phone and is on it all day. She checks the virus news to. Sometimes I catch myself getting a little snippy with her. But then I catch myself. I’m her only child she has left. Her other children have all passed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Your profile says that your father has dementia. He likely isn't able to make proper choices with his news. That is difficult for all of us, but, with the dementia, he may have forgotten that he has already watched the news 10 times that day. Also, people who have dementia, often obsess over things. They often have anxiety and the virus only makes that worse. I'd do whatever you need to do, like channel block, control newspaper, etc. to keep him from worrying too much. You might ask his doctor about a sleep aid too.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Also I forgot to mention Parental controls
In this case parental controls for you to control the parent.
Then I would offer the suggestions I made. Actually because he likes the statistics ect he probably would love ancestry.com
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It sounds like he is choosing his own "entertainment" (poorly). If you're his target at the moment, be prepared for him to not listen to any suggestions you make.

All you can change is what you are doing. You can take a walk and get out of the house. You can end conversations if he starts going on about what is on the news. Listen for a minute or two and then either change the subject or tell him that you are having to limit how much you hear about what is going on, and leave the room.
Model good self care. At the very least, you'll be taken care of. At best, he may pick up some better behaviours.

My grandfather is doing some of the same things at the moment. I wish you the best of luck, as well as peace of mind.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I would not recommend you cut off his internet. It will make things worse for him and for you. Right now, he is keeping himself busy and occupied with the news and with worrying. He has something to do since you can't be there to entertain him. Even if you don't work and stay at home all day, I seriously doubt that you will enjoy entertaining him. You will drive yourself crazy trying to do that.

This coronavirus pandemic will end eventually, hopefully soon, like in a month or so, I hope. For now, it's the source of his entertainment, don't take it away from him. If he's worried, then he's worried.

This pandemic is all over the news, it's everywhere, hard to avoid. It's sensationalized by the news media, like a bad car accident, so people tune in. Even if you try to persuade and distract him to do something else, he will probably return to looking at the bad car accident.

As for your relationship with him deteriorating, that is a different problem, a common problem that a lot of people on this forum discovered after moving their parents in to live with them. I was one of those people. Fortunately for me, I was able to move my mother out before she drove me insane.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter