How do I manage relationship between me, sibling and mom? Why should I need to deal with sibling too?

Don't be in the middle of it. Tell mom that sis may do things differently, but you have to have her help. Mom needs to accept whatever help you get from sis.

What, exactly, does mom and sis argue/disagree about? If it's petty crap that has a history, explain it to mom. This has been going on for years, I need help, you need to stop the discussion with sis if it gets started; don't engage with sis. Just let her get her tasks completed.

It takes two to conduct an argument. Sis may never apologize, but you don't need her to help by apologizing - you just need sis to handle the tasks at hand for the one day she shows up. Clearly, you are the child that doesn't want to argue with mom and let more things go. Sis has probably always had a more argumentative relationship with mom (and others, too, perhaps).

Have similar conversation with sis. I need your help and things will go much easier for me 6 days a week if you can just avoid conflict on the one day you come. Emphasize that you need her help and then some. If funds allow, you might also discuss a plan to hire someone to take over some of your days. Often, when there is money, the sis might offer to do more to prevent you from spending what she things might be inheritance down the road.

If they can't iron it out, continue to stay out of the argument, and hopefully there is a little money to pay for some respite time for you. If you could better manage her care from your own home - you might talk to mom about selling her home and using the funds to pay for more help for mom's care and you would only have to manage one household.

Imho, tell your sibling that mom does deserve respect. None of the way that your sibling acts is your fault. That's on her. Prayers sent.

One thing I didn't address in my other comment was regarding this:

"When mom comes back from my sister's, I hear all about the fun and parties they had which is followed by a list of things she needs me to do for her."

IF you end up hiring someone to fill in for that time mom now goes to sister's, it will resolve itself some (there will likely be times sister visits or mom might visit her and they get to go off having all the fun again!)

This reminds me somewhat of what I would encounter when my kids spent every other weekend, holidays, vacations, etc with their dad (or often whoever he dropped them off with.) Always fun and games, buying things, etc - having a GOOD time, while I get sometimes to be the Wicked Mother of the East!

Generally I tried to avoid this bothering me. I had no control over it and my concerns were more with ensuring they got what they needed (love, care, education, etc.) I would just ask if they had a good time and let them be kids. I had no desire to try to one-up anyone on the other side. It isn't likely anyone would win, and more likely that the kids would end up on the losing end.

There actually came a time when I was trying to make another point with my daughter, and the more I said, the angrier her face appeared! Mid stride I said "Right now you probably hate me and wish I'd dry up and blow away!" She looked horrified and said "Oh no, I think you're nice!" My reply to that was to say I think you're full of it, but I went on to make my point. I asked her to put us on a scale - here's dad, the benevolent fairy who takes you places, buys you things and doesn't make you do anything. Then there's me, the Wicked Mother of the East, who makes you clean your room, go to school, do homework and some chores, doesn't take you too many places or buy too many things, etc. (mainly because in those early years it was financially tough, but I also don't think kids should get everything their little hearts desire!) Now, I said, weigh these for your future - is your dad going to pay all your bills, pay your rent and support you forever, or are you going to get a good education, learn to take care of yourself and be able to support yourself when you are an adult? She pointed to my side!

Now, obviously your mother is already an adult, and having this kind of "chat" with her won't change anything. My point is only to say that you can't control what they do or don't do, so if they are just having fun good times while you provide the REAL care, just try to let it go, or express some kind of happiness for her, that she had a good time. It is hard to know that you are taking on the brunt of the tedious, necessary work, while the others are having a good time, but try not to let it get you down, and certainly don't take it out on mom, she doesn't make the plans! Avoid pointing this out to sis as well - it won't help anything. She is who she is and will do what she does - no point in stirring up anything, which will only make matters worse and likely just make you more resentful!

As for her to-do list, well, perhaps look at it from a different perspective - she considers you the responsible one who can get these things done! So, maybe look kindly on yourself as the Wicked Daughter of the East! ;-)

You are under no obligation to manage the relationship betweeen your mother and your sibling. And as tempted as you may be, you can't fight on your mother's behalf for respect or dignified treatment from your sibling. What you CAN do is kindly tell both your mother and your sibling that you are officially opting out of being their go-between. When they try to drag you back into it, you remind them that you are staying out of it. On your own behalf you need to decide how much help you are able to provide your mom without losing too much of what is important to you, i.e., career, time with friends, your own family, your time off. These are all lessons I have learned in the last 10+ years caring for my dad with Alzheimer's and now my mom with dementia with very little help, only complaints, from one of my siblings.

Based on your reply to BarbBrooklyn it sounds like perhaps the best course of action is to hire someone to help YOU help mom and leave this sister out of the equation. My OB has ZERO patience and can be abusive. Long story short, he's out of MY life for good due to this.

Other than needing a little assistance, there's no real indication of what her condition is (sharp minded, but mom appeared to be as well!), so it's hard to really say how to proceed. If you feel she needs assistance every day, hiring someone, if she has funds, might be best - they are more attuned to clients and wouldn't use that "tone of voice"!

When dealing with our mother, OB was frustrated and using that "tone of voice", ordering her around. YB observed this too. She considered herself quite independent and didn't take to his behavior. I've seen him do this in the past with his daughter. The best course of action was to leave him out! Thankfully he lives 2 days drive away and isn't likely to come back. His last trip up included a visit I suggested one morning - bring her coffee and a doughnut, and just "chat" with her. It is hard sometimes because of lousy hearing and because she tends to repeat herself, but he had NO clue how to deal with it. He REFUSED to visit a second time, stating he "didn't know what to do with her."

The ironic part is both brothers got sticker shock when they found out how much MC costs and BOTH said for that kind of money they would take her in! Neither would have been good at caring for her. Neither took the time to learn and understand about dementia. OB had no patience and would have been abusive to her. YB is just clueless about what it takes to provide the needed care, was working full time and had no space for her in the place he lived.

Even now, after over 3.5 years in MC, YB still thinks the facility "takes care of everything." No, they don't. But whatever. I don't really engage with him anymore either. YB and I are designated POAs and all 3 of us are trustees for her trust fund, but I just do what needs to be done and really don't consult with them. Neither has asked any questions or made comments, so I just do what needs to be done. I did consult with YB after a recent stroke mom had, but only to be sure he was in agreement with how to proceed, which he did agree to (no extensive treatments, no forcing her to go to ER.)

Once she passes on, I'll be done with both.

As others have said, stay out of it.

If your sister is disrespectful to your mom, your mom needs to tell her to stop with the disrespect or she will not talk to her. Just letting people get away with bad behavior and then not taking or returning calls is a bit passive aggressive and leads to more problems.

They are both competent adults and they need to deal with their own relationship and learn to leave you out of it, period.

My dad and brother loved pulling this crap with me, I finally learned that everytime one would even start in on the other I would just say, "I AM NOT A VIA! TELL HIM NOT ME!" I would not entertain any conversation that brought the other one up. It made me the bad guy, but I am good with that. It is easier than getting shot as the messenger.

You don't have to protect your mom from her daughter and you don't have to explain your mom's actions to your sister. I am not getting involved, talk to her. Is a good pat answer for their nonsense being dumped on you.

It sounds to me that you are resentful because sister is only willing to give1day a week and you're stuck with your mom the rest of the time, while working full time. Perhaps it's time for some assisted living for mom so that it gives you a break and your sister isn't obligated. Some people are just not caregivers. You can't fault them for that. I'd be happy with ANY help I got for mom. There's obviously a reason why your mom and sister have a toxic relationship. My mom has always tried to run my adult life. She's upset with me because I don't cave. Then my sister wonders why I don't want to be around mom. Claims I'm not doing my fair share yet I'm over there 2x week but don't do things the way my sister does. Don't get between your mom and sister...let them handle things if your mom is so with it.

If mom is mentally competent, let her handle her relationship with your sibling. You need to only manage your relationship with each - not their relationship with each other. Refuse to get put in the middle by either and refuse to gossip about absent people.

Let your Mom and sister deal with one another. It honestly is not your place to be in the middle of it or to judge who is right. You cannot control the behavior of your sister. Just stay out of the crossfire and let them handle their issues on their own or with a professional licensed therapist. And get on with your own life which is busy enough to be sure, help Mom where and when you are able.

It never works out trying to be a mediator between family members. Arguments occur. People don’t remain objective. Nor are they neutral. Emotions are at their height ranging from apathy to incredible frustration, even rage.

I feel the best mediators are professional therapists. They do a great job! They remain objective and are quickly able to diffuse nonproductive discussions and get things back on track. I have witnessed this in group therapy.

I was reluctant to even participate in group conversations because of my family discussions that were chaotic but with a good leader of a group it can be an interesting and productive experience.

As far as others in my family, they never participated in any therapy to aid in finding insight. Of course they didn’t due to being ‘know it alls.’

I am not insinuating that you need therapy. My situation with my family drove me to the brink and I decided to reach out for help.

You sound as if you have a handle on things but becoming frustrated by your sister’s interference.

Actually sounds like your mom has a good handle on the situation too by choosing to ignore her calls. Good for her! Most likely the best thing.

Why should your mom allow your sister to dictate what she needs to do? I love the block feature on my cell phone. I found instant peace when I blocked my brothers phone numbers.

Sorry that you are in this position. I would not place myself in the middle of it.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I agree with Countrymouse and Barb. As a rule of thumb, I try not to get between feuding adults. Generally speaking, once you start "passing messages" between the two, after enough time THEY settle their differences and then you become the bad guy for passing messages, when in fact all you were trying to do was make things better.
When either one starts to complain to you about the other, allow them to vent as long as you are willing to listen to it, and then tell them you will not be taking sides, nor passing messages.
Good luck!

Each time one of them tries to communicate through you, refer her straight to the other. Do not stand in the cross-fire. You are confident that both of these women are competent adults - fine, let them sort their own relationship out. You can't do it for them even if you want to.

It isn't that I don't share your feelings about the respect and dignity due to all seniors (whether mentally competent or not, come to that); but don't attempt to take any responsibility for how another person behaves. Short of abuse, it is not for you to correct your sister's manner. You *could* try asking her what she would think if any other person spoke to your (plural) mother in the way that she does, but I doubt if she's in the mood to think the point through.

And if your sister has upset your mother, your mother should address your sister about it, not you.

Are there any *practical* matters which are being obstructed by this (I hope, passing) quarrel?

PS I just heard from a co-worker that a "difficult" son (of a client) who has fallen out with a social worker has taken to placing the client's bins across her long, steep, narrow driveway so that we have to get out of our cars and move them to get to her house. Sometimes the best thing to do with childish but otherwise harmless behaviour is ignore it.

The social worker has offended me, so I will make life difficult for the reablement workers.

My daughter has annoyed me, so I will give her the silent treatment.

My mother isn't speaking to me, so I will make my sister feel bad.

Sigh. Go round them!

How is your mother getting on with her rehab? - much more important :)

"Mom wants respect and dignity and deserves it!" This is what u tell sibling.

Good for Mom, she is setting boundries. What she may want to do is take a call from sibling, and when she gets started, Mom then tells her that she is hanging up and when she can talk to her nicely call back. I know this puts a burden on you because sister's help would be nice but you really don't need the negativity.

No you don't need to deal with sibling. I too would not answer any texts or calls from sibling until the attitude changes. Maybe she needs to talk to someone to why she acts this way. It will only eventually distance you and Mom from her. Maybe that is what you need to do. Be blunt and tell her that if she doesn't change her attitude, she will just push you and Mom away. Its not always everyone elses fault. Tell her maybe she needs to sit down and figure out why she is so angry all the time.

Step away from any issues between your mom and sibling. Have separate relationships with each, or of you can’t get along with sibling have no contact with sibling. Don’t discuss one with the other, ever. Tell each you’re not involved with their issues or relationship and mean it. You’re very correct, everyone is different and you’re not changing others, acceptance is a gift you give yourself

In what way did your sib upset mom?

Whose version of these events are guiding your certainty that sib owes mom an apology?

From a stranger's perspective, it seems to me as likely that the problem here is your mom's insistence on involving you in this issue with your sib.