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I'm a recent widow.


My 47-year-old son's 30-year-old immigrant (green card only) wife has used my credit cards to make over ten thousand dollars in unauthorized purchases. I had permitted my SON ONLY (because of his indebtedness related to his father's terminal illness and end of life) to "use my credit cards" to help him out financially "until he gets reimbursement by his father's estate and subsequently reimbursement by his father's life insurance," At the time permission was granted for my SON ONLY to use my credit cards for urgent expenses (on or about October 25, 2018), he SOLOMLY AGREED to my demand that ONLY HE had permission to use my credit cards and SPECIFICALLY NOT HIS 30-year-old immigrant (green card only) WIFE.


Unbeknownst to me … during a period of approximately two weeks prior to my husband's death on November 9, 2018 … my SON'S WIFE charged over $10,000 in UNAUTHORIZED CREDIT CARD PURCHASES INCLUDING SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS OF CASH ADVANCES TO HER "PRIVATE ACCOUNT" IN HER "MAIDEN NAME."


Again, on November 26, 2018 (the afternoon prior to my husband's funeral on November 27, 2018), my son approached me "claiming to be in despair because of "their financial woes" caused by "him going into debt in order to take care of his father". My son even confessed to "SUICIDIAL IDEATION" because of their financial woes all-the-while he requested that I permit him to use my "last resort emergency credit card" for his "current emergency expenses" because he was "afraid that his two cars would be repossessed and he was afraid that his home would be foreclosed upon because he had used "his money" for "his father's expenses" rather than "pay his mortgage and pay his car payments." After cautioning him that "this is my last resort emergency go-to credit card which I only use for emergencies only"… he declared he understood and that he would "only use it for the last minute funeral home expenses and related expenses." I also begrudging agreed to permit him to charge an additional $350 for "three years computer insurance" which he claimed was an absolute necessity because he and his wife used their computers for their home-based-businesses. All that occurred on November 26, 2018 the afternoon prior to my husband's funeral on the morning of November 27, 2018. He used my last-resort-emergency-credit card to supposedly ONLY PAY $1338.00 for his two car payments, $1545.00 toward his late mortgage payment, and $350.00 for three year's computer insurance with NO PERMISSION WHATSOEVER FOR ANY OTHER PURCHASES. He promised to pay me back in "December 2018" … (which did not occur).


The afternoon of November 27, 2018, after my husband's funeral I checked my "emergency credit card account" and TO MY HORROR … discovered that, in addition to the $1338.00, $1545.00, and $350.00 charges, his WIFE, WITHOUT ANY PERMISSION OR KNOWLEDGE TO ME OR MY SON, WHATSOEVER, had made UNAUTHORIZED CHARGES TO MY EMERGENCY CREDIT CARD in the amounts of $600.00, $88.00, $64.00, and $19.00 … WITHOUT ASKING ME OR MY SON FOR PERMISSION BUT RATHER COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY MAKING UNAUTHORIZED CHARGES TO MY EMERGENCY CREDIT CARD FOR HER OWN PRIVATE PURCHASES. When I inquired of her "what are these charges for $600, $88, $64, and $19 ??? … she first looked away then turned her back and ignored my question. When I demanded of her "what are these charges you made on my credit card without my permission" … she replied "I do not have time to talk to you about that … I must go pick up the boys" (my grandsons ages 14 and 16 of whom she is the step-mother .. and of whom my son was awarded custody from his first marriage to "crazy woman number one .. who became addicted to methamphetamine for the second time at approximately age 40). I demanded of her … "Yes, you do have time to talk to me about your unauthorized purchases on my credit card … and you are going to talk to me about it RIGHT NOW." She GLARED at me and "snortingly replied" .. "I paid for my classes" … (out of space here .. finish later)

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Question 1, did you give son verbal permission to use the card or did you call the credit card company and make him an authorized user of the account? Makes a huge difference. Do you have any texts or emails pertaining to what exactly he was allowed to pay, how much these expenses were to be, and when you would be reimbursed?Question #2, how was she able to get a cash advance to deposit into her personal account? If it was done at the bank the person doing the transaction would have had to give their valid state ID for the banker/teller to even perform the cash advance against the card since the ID information is entered into the CC machine. ID#, address, expiration date. Then the slip is printed, customer signs, 1 copy of reciept to customer, 1 for bank files, no pin # required. The bank will have the hard copies and the surveillance video of the transaction but you need to act fast. The bank and the credit card company will require you to do a police report. That way the bank will be able to release the video. No report, no photos of who did the transaction because of banking confidentiality laws. You will be able to prove who or if both of them are involved. This will also give you leverage in probate court. Request copies of all the receipts from the credit card company too. It may take a couple of weeks to get them. Have them issue a new card and freeze this account. If you do not pursue a police report pertaining to this you will not get your funds returned, they will be off the hook, and you will still be estranged from them regardless of which choice you make. Also the sooner you make the complaint, the easier it is to retrieve the hard copies and images of the transactions before they are sent to central storage. Keep us posted. Sometimes one of the hardest things to do is to make your grown children accountable for their actions. Because of your age (I'm assuming you're 60+ years of age) it actually falls under elder financial abuse / exploitation laws too. If you end up going to court for restitution, file a lean against their home so that they can not sell it unless you are paid. Do you have other children? If not, and you have any other assets, consider opening a trust for your grandchildren with a trustee who IS NOT your son so he/she can not exploit their children. You can have a trust set up that it can help pay for schooling, a home, medical bills,etc. Also as a service to them please don't let them have full access to it until their 30s or 40s. I saw a young man who had tragically lost both of his parents in a car accident. He received full access to his inheritance and the accident insurance settlement when he turned 18, within a year he was in deep debt and looking at bankruptcy with nothing to show for it, the very young tend to live in the moment not thinking about future consequences.
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Your son bears responsibility here. He had to give the cards to his wife or use the card to pay those expenses of hers.

Your issue should be with him, not his wife. Sounds like he took advantage of your vulnerability & managed to pull the wool over your eyes.

”Suicidal ideations” - a wee bit of drama there, imo.

Close or freeze the card accounts and if he is the executor of his father’s will, get a lawyer to prevent this from happening using his recent spending and irresponsibility as grounds. Then deduct the amount he spent ( or what amt you think DIL spent) out of his inheritance or life insurance policy money and pay those bills off using his inheritance/life insurance money if you can.

I am no expert so I don’t even know if you can change executor status if already specified in the will.

If your son wanted to be paid for caregiving his father while he was sick, he could have had a care agreement drawn up. But that’s water under the bridge now.

I don’t think fault lies with your DIL alone.

I’m sorry you must deal with this so soon after you lost your husband. Maybe your grief is having your prospective altered as you are quite angry (which is a stage of grief).

But the fault here lies with your son.
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Disute the charges with the credit card company. If she(or he)made charges without permission, they can go to jail.

I sincerely hope you don't have this son as executor of husband's or your will. If he is, then I'd suggest speaking with your probate court judge and challenging his appointment as executor. But, #1, dispute the charge with the cc company!
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My question is....how did you know, just by looking at the statement, that your DIL made those charges? You can’t just look at a statement and know who made the charges unless their name is on the account and they have their OWN CARD. Also her immigration status is totally irrelevant. In all honesty, 99% chance your son GAVE her the card to use. Your issue is with YOUR SON. you GAVE him the card and he either gave his wife permission to use it or he was careless with it. The card was his responsibility while in his possession.
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rovana Jan 2019
Yes!  You have nailed it. Son is responsible here.  I'd deal with him, since you originally dealt with him in giving him the card to use.  Do what you need to do to challenge his executor status and see that you are properly compensated in the settlement of the estate.  I would not let son wiggle out of responsibility by blaming wife. (That's been going on since the Garden of Eden.)
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If your son was telling the truth about his financial woes, they may well have been caused by his wife. You need to be very careful about believing him at all.
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Simple response - call the cops and report the unauthorized charges; cancel that credit card and get a number/card for your account.
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rovana Jan 2019
But what if the son basically handed wife the card and told her she could use it?  Frankly, I would be suspicious about the son.  Do you have a spreadsheet which documents these expenses he says he incurred for his father's care?  This all sounds too vague.  I think that the culprit here is probably the son.  And for Pete's sake what does wife's green card have to do with anything?
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I do hope you've cancelled the cards?
It never goes well when a parent tries to drive a wedge between an adult child and their spouse. No matter how right you are his number one allegiance should be to the person he married and your finger pointing will only alienate your son and cause a lot of strife between you. Your husband has only been gone a brief time so emotions are high, stop bringing this up and give your son a reasonable amount of time to make restitution.
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 Jan 2019
I disagree here. In this instance the wife took it upon herself to use a card she had no right to. She is leaving his Mom in debt. He needs to tell her the charges she made need to be paid back as the 10k. This has nothing to do with supporting a spouse. She stole.
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I’m sorry for your loss, both of your husband and of the trust you placed in your son. It has to be a bitter experience to learn you can’t trust him, but better to learn it and be wiser for the future. Please consult a lawyer about your next steps, see if there’s anything to be done about the misuse of your credit cards, and also put documents in place where this son won’t be trusted with your financial future. He shouldn’t be your POA, executor of your will, or or any accounts of yours. Those responsibilities belong with someone you can trust and he’s proved it’s not him. When people show you who they are, believe them. Again, I’m sorry
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BlackHole avatar
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BlackHole Jan 2019
I second all that.
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Call the credit card company. You made your son an authorized user? But not his wife. So her charges were fraudulent.
Report fraudulent charges and close the accounts. The losers will be anyone who accepted the card.

She would have needed the PIN to get a cash advance so you may be out of luck there. But stop what you can. Do it right now
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Larac; I'm so sorry for your recent loss. This must be unbearable for you.

Do you have a family lawyer?

You need to contact your lawyer and tell him what you've told us. Your son can work out a payment plan with your lawyer.

Unfortunately, in giving your son permission do make charges (without getting a payment assurance in writing) you have put yourself on the hook for these expenses.

Lesson learned, yes?
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