I am caring for both of my parents. My father is a dementia patient. My mother has Parkinson’s and would like to travel to visit my brother in South Carolina as my brother is very ill. However, that would mean that my husband would have to stay with my father, and since my mother does not want to leave my father overnight she expects me to fly to South Carolina from New York and fly back on the same day. She’s very adamant about this when I tell her it’s too much to do. I don’t want to disappoint her but I really don’t think I’m up for that kind of a trip. How do I say no?
What your mom is expecting of you is ridiculous and not feasible. You either put them both in respite care so you can go and enjoy your time with your brother and not feel rushed, or put at least one of them in.
You mustn't let your mother tell you what you should or should not be doing. You're a grown a-- woman for Pete's sake. She'll get over any disappointment she may have.
So just say NO.
Dad should go to respite care for a week so that mom can get a break.
Grandmother ____ lives in _____ city and that's a 45 minute drive from where I live to his place. He does not get off work till 6pm and I would have to fight traffic at that time of day. If we left the minute he got off that would mean that we would get home well after midnight. _____ only has Christmas day off and he has to work both Christmas Eve as well as the day after Christmas. That would also mean that we would have to leave Christmas day right after lunch and get back to ______ around 8 or 9pm that night. I am *not* going to do that because that's too much driving, and we would only have about a one to two hour visit with you.
I had to say that 3 times. The second and third time I added "What do you not understand" at the end. She tried to bring it up again and I just looked at her dead in the face and said "Don't bring it up again".
He will be safe.
He will be fine for a few days.
Now you can all take the trip to South Carolina. And not have to rush the visit.
If she can not or will not agree to this then tell her the only way that the visit can be done is Virtual
If though you feel the trip is not something you want to do. Or something that is not safe for any reason simply say that it is not possible. NO is a complete answer.
My mother is immobile and when my dad was dying, my brother put every effort for her to come and see him. I was against it as it was really difficult to get her there. But, I am so glad we did, even if she didn't recognize him and he was basically comatose, it gave us all closure and an opportunity to see them together one final time.
"However, that would mean that my husband would have to stay with my father".
No it doesn't. Whatever help your husband offers is up to him.
"and since my mother does not want to leave my father overnight she expects me to fly to South Carolina from New York and fly back on the same day".
She 'expects'. But that is unreasonable.
If you are willing to take Mother for a sensible timeframe, I agree with Barb - respite care for Dad.
I have been asked to take family members to visit others. Long drives (same day request like yours) with poor mobility + incontinent passengers. No. If I am the 'Caregiver' any 'job' needs to be 1. Safe 2. Within my capacity 3. Reasonable.
I certainly understand why your Mother wants to go in person (video calls are just not the same) 😥
But find a better plan.
No explanation, no further discussion.
When fils mom turned 100, fils family all went to have a party at her al. They had flights and overnight hotel, then the party, then leaving the same day. Flights we’re late, meaning that they were there the same day, exponentially increasing their stress level.
MILs MS has ratcheted up since her cancer treatment. She needs at minimum a walker. She wouldn’t now leave because fil is for now in worse shape than her, but if she wanted to and come back the same day, the logistics are crazy even for people without mobility issues.
You add on that you "don't want to disappoint her" but you are not up to such a trip yourself, and feel it would do your Mom possibly harm, and very little good for her beloved brother.
You try to get in a phone or computer call with all those lovely cameras and gadgets everyone has so Mom can communicate with her brother.
I was not with my own brother when he died. I had to negotiate every move from hospital to home to his ALF with hospice, and had to do it all by phone. This was a man I was emotionally attached to by the hip for life, and loved as much as I have ever loved anyone. But that was the facts in the case. To be honestly frank with you, such meetings at the end seldom go the way of movie screnarios. They often leave the survivor with sad visions that are their last, that have serious adjustments to a lifetime of love.
So you do it gently. Don't expect any sort of lovely movie-scene of Mom hugging you and saying "Oh, hon. I understand. Of COURSE we can't do this. I just wish.....but I KNOW you are right. Bless you for making me see the light". It won't happen. Mom rage.Worse, she may weep. That's life, unfortunately. As full of beauty and joy as it can be, it has moments of grief that are more than we can bear.
Help Mom grief when her loss comes. Make a scrapbook of memories. Allow her to voice she wishes she could have been there and tell her you wish you could have done a magic-carpet journey so she could get there. Allow the pain.
"No" is two letters, one word, and it always amazes me that GOOD PEOPLE have more trouble with that one word than with all the other words put together.
My heart goes out to you and to Mom. Let her talk about her beloved brother all she wants; ask her for stories of them. Let her weep. This is worth the grieving.
See All Answers