I think I will soon have to do this, but I'm full of dread.
Mom is 95 and showing more signs of physical and mental decline. She has always refused to move in with anyone and refused any outside help. She's in her own home. My sister visits twice a week and takes care of all basic needs. I visit 2-3 times just for outdoor distance-visits with a mask.
Thinking I need to get tested for covid and quarantine for 2 weeks and move in. I know that I won't be able to visit my family any more after that without needing to test and quarantine again...
Can't get into the plans too far before I feel desperate, depressed.
Need help.
Who is included in the family you have to leave?
You are planning to go from a Non-caregiver to a Fulltime caregiver? Did you ever want to be a nurse? If the answer is "NO!!", then you should not be a caregiver to your Mom--especially during a quarantine.
Your desire to help is wonderful, BUT you are trying to help in a way that is offensive and distasteful to you and fills you with lots of negative emotions. Would you want someone who feels that way to take care of you? You may find yourself taking your anger out on your Mom and end up emotional and maybe physically abusing her. Do you want that to happen?
Your Mom is 95 years old and she is going to need more and more help each month and each year. Maybe it is time to stand your ground and tell your Mom and your siblings that your Mom needs to have Home Health Aides or she needs to go to Assisted Living because you are NOT going to do something that you really don't want to do--be a nurses' aide for your Mom.
If you are dreading this move NOW, you will be truly miserable once you make the move, and pretty much captive inside the house to boot, thanks to the plague. Depression is a real thing and not something you should saddle yourself down with.
Getting mom into a nice Assisted Living place is not a 'crime' or a 'sin' and it's something you need to seriously consider doing rather than offering to move in with her. I placed both of my folks into AL back in 2014 and it was a great decision for all concerned, no regrets. My mother is still alive at nearly 94 and now in the Memory Care bldg of the same AL. She gets great care over there and is able to socialize with others and do activities daily. Being alone all day with only one other person *you* to rely on for everything is not the ideal situation for EITHER of you.
I hope you take the advice you've been given here to heart, and that we don't hear back from you in 6 months saying Why Did I Make This Mistake, And How Do I Get OUT? It's much easier to move her into AL now than it is to move yourself OUT of there and her into an AL once you move IN!
Best of luck!
Just because your mom doesn't want to change her living situation does not obligate you to prop up her false independence.
No is a complete sentence. She needs a village at this point and you are not a village.
Do you have your mother's agreement to this grand plan of yours?
And why do you think that you should abandon your family (husband, kids?) to move in with her if she refuses outside help? What makes her refusal more important than your life?
Your mother is an adult, and from the sounds of it is competent to make her own choices.
Has her doctor told her that she can no longer live alone? What is her plan for that?
Like so many others, my mom is fiercely independent and pushes away so many suggestions for help. I honestly do think she would accept more help from me ( I’m the “favorite”), which I am not currently providing because of Covid.
Right now my biggest question is, how many of you have POA? Without POA, can I hire helpers for her?
Did many of you get POA at this stage when your parent was starting to need help? I think my mom would always refuse to sign anything like that.
I am assuming that without POA, every medical/health decision will simply be an argument? I’ve seen other posts from people who have similar frustrations, trying to get home health aides when the parent refuses. But some of you are able to have your parents move into AL. Is that from exerting power with the POA or just from convincing the parent?
Thanks.
It is a document to protect your Mom if she becomes incompetent and can’t pay her bills or make sensible decisions.
A Medical POA does the same for medical decisions and allows you to discuss her medical care with providers.
If you needed your plumbing redone, there would be no shame in saying "I can't do this, I would be in way over my head if I tried, and I might do more damage than good. So it's time to call a plumber." No shame in that, right? Well, there should be no shame either in "Mom needs someone to take care of her. I can't do it. I would be in way over my head if I tried, and I might do more damage than good. So it's time to call for professional caregivers."
Don't let ANYONE guilt you into making a decision that you you are almost sure will not work out. Not your mom, not your sibs, no one here, and most especially NOT YOURSELF!
Good luck! I hope you can find a solution to keep mom safe and healthy!
You hold power of attorney FOR someone. Not *over* them. So even with POA or MPOA, the arguments don't get any less. You can't just wave the document under her nose and tell her you are now the law; your "power" is the power to carry out her decisions, made when she was in her right mind, and as far as practicable in compliance with her wishes.
Besides - would she even give you power of attorney? I'm sort of guessing, not without the mother of all arguments.
I am just this minute returned from a heck of a round. Almost all clients are either absolute love-buns, or at least colourful characters who can be forgiven a lot on that score; but there seems to have been a run on the market of older people whose children are terrified for them but to whom we are... not necessarily very welcome. I still love them, don't misunderstand me, but they can be... a challenge.
Still! - It's a challenge that's part of the job, building a relationship with a client so that she stops looking on you as a pest and eventually, grudgingly, agrees that you might not be entirely useless. Our new client Mrs Martinet, as I shall forever think of her now, bit my head off three times in the first two minutes and didn't thaw out until I recited back to her her list of instructions verbatim. Tea, mug not too full, strong, no sugar, very little milk. I was wise to the very little milk thing, and took the jug into her so she could "say when." But sure enough, she wanted the mug fuller than that - indicated a precise line 1 and a quarter inches below the rim, so back I trotted to the kitchen. You need an even temper and a sense of humour in this job. I should add, if my spine were as curved and my bottom as sore as hers, and I had to wait for someone to help me out of my chair when I was in a hurry to use the commode, I don't suppose I'd be sweetness and light either. You really do have to make allowances.
Anyhow. You don't need power of attorney to make enquiries of a home help service. Consult one or two, and see how they feel about assessing your mother's needs without her prior agreement to a contract. They would of course need your mother's consent to an initial, no-obligation meeting. To work on that: what sort of thing has your mother not been able to do recently that she actually *wants* to be able to do?
my mom is alz and locked up in a nursing home long term / hospice . COVID !!!!
i used to pray I could be with my mom , now I just wait for a ph call for end of life ...
WE ARENT ALLOWED TO VISIT !
PAY 10,650.00 a month .
move in ! Enjoy every minute 😫
u r so lucky !!! 🙏
Leaving a family to live with an elderly cherished relative is not necessarily the safest or “best” choice, and not always the “luckiest”.
My LO was infected by the Covid virus in her very well run, very clean, very carefully managed MC residence. The person who infected her was asymptomatic and felt well until almost 3 days after my LO’s symptoms developed.
If it hadn’t been for the lockdown, I might have brought the virus home to my immune compromised grandchild.
I LONGED to give LO a hug and tell her I loved her, but through the fastidious care of the staff at her MC, I have now made several outdoor visits to her and tell her how much I love and miss her every time I leave her.
Covid19 doesn’t care how much you pay. If exposed, elderly loved ones can fall to it at any time. Some recover but many don’t.
I am grateful that my LO is continuing to enjoy our visits and is well taken care of. I too waited for “a ph call” and jumped every time the phone rang, and since she’s 92 and we REALLY DON’T KNOW if there are long lasting effects of Covid in her future. WE ARE GRATEFUL SHE IS STILL HERE.
No e of us who deal with this are lucky, and many of us live with guilt. All of us who have been touched by the Covid Curse need to seek out the best solutions that we can, lovingly implement them, and move forward safely.
I hope your dear mother’s circumstances continue to support her safety and welfare.
By moving in you are only enabling her to continue to live in an unsafe situation. You will be locked in with her 24/7; I am sure that is not what you want. Even with you there accidents and falls will still happen.
Sometimes we just have to sit back and let them fail.
Do you have children? Remember what it was like dealing with a 2, 3, 4 year-old? Diapers, toileting, bathing, bedtimes, constant questions and tantrums? Now put that attitude into a 95 year old! And add in the size issue. Can you safely help her to get up? Do you call 911 to make sure she isn’t hurt?
My 93 year old mother, in MC, has fallen 5 times in the past week alone. If she was living with me I would have to be with her 24/7 to make sure she doesn’t forget and try to get up to reach something, or go to the bathroom.
What about food, room temperature, TV programs, etc. It's her home and she probably won’t want to adapt to you or your routines. Covid will make you a prisoner, no outside trips, no shopping, no hairdressers, nothing! Just you and Mom 24 hours a day.
I know a lot of people think it’s terrible to move an elderly person into a care facility but the staff there is trained to deal with all the issues the residents might have. And then they get to leave and go home after a 6-8 hour shift.
I know from experience that not everyone has the temperament to deal with the elderly and an bless everyone who works in these facilities.
Your Mom has had it her way for 95 years, maybe it’s time for her to do what you need for a change.