It has been over a year since he had the partial amputation and he is still doing his best to walk with the prosthetic leg. He gets easily discouraged and I do my best to give him encouragement and keeps his life running as smoothly as I can. But there are days when I do not have it in me to keep smiling and listening to his mean words when he is down and angry. Those are days when I need words of kindness to keep on going myself.
We don't need to be smiling all the time, especially when those around you are grumpy and/or dumping on you! Funny, when I was still working, sometimes people would tell me to smile. I wasn't grumpy or complaining or angry, I just wasn't smiling. I finally told someone I should get a smiley face mask and put it on while I'm here at work! I also said that if I went around smiling all the time, security might pay me a visit and want to know what I am up to....
You can try to be supportive and cheerful, but if he's in a mood, I don't think anything you do will turn that frown upside down... Maybe the smiley face mask... :-) Pity parties are best avoided, so as Daughterof1930 says, walk away. If he's got some working brain cells, he might catch on at some point and realize he's being a real party pooper!
Perhaps he is too steeped in his own depression to do that, and to know that, and I wonder if you look back if his personality has not always been just a bit the same, and now is just "more what it is" due to this loss.
It isn't for sissies, old age. At 78 I sure am beginning to know that old adage is very true. It is loss of those you love. Loss of hearing and balance and body parts. Loss of dignity. And it is hard to see an upside. Not like we will get younger. It is just hard.
Try to acknowledge his grief and loss and fear and pain and depression. Don't try to jolly him up. And hon, just occasionally level with him that what hurts HIM hurts you as well; that you try and are often at a loss what to say or do for him. That you feel helpless and at a loss so often as well.
I am so sorry you are BOTH going through this.
Life is tough. We all find ourselves in situations sometimes that are very difficult to cope with. But we press on; we don't give up and turn OUR problems into our loved ones' problems. That's what you need to tell him. And then get out of the house every day and do something entirely for YOU. Take a class; learn to throw pottery, join a book club, a gym.............something/anything that takes the focus off of HIM and puts it on YOU. You deserve a life too. When we get all bogged down with care giving, we get to thinking life revolves around the person with the illness or the issue. It doesn't and it shouldn't. There are TWO people involved here, not just your DH. If it's true depression he's dealing with over the partial loss of his leg, then he needs to get himself to the doctor for medication and therapy. It's way past time now.
Wishing you the best of luck tuning HIM out and moving on with YOUR life.
Doesn't make his situation any better, but perhaps if he can see he isn't the only one who has to deal with a prosthetic, and he certainly is a lot better off than some like Tammy, at least physically! She actually fought to remain in the National Guard after her recovery, and has worked her way through to becoming a Senator!
When he gets angry and mean, just walk out. He will eventually get the message.
About the smiley face mask- I have to tell you, your comment about security
gave me the best laugh I've had for a very long time!
Goes to show that humour is a priceless gift -thank you so much...
Humor is a good thing and when you lose that, eeek... I came very close during almost a month in the hospital. I kept begging them to let me GO HOME! They finally did send me home, set up with IV antibiotics, IV feed bag and nurses who came to draw blood, prep the feed bag and deliver supplies. It still took a long time to recover, but I so hated being in the hospital!!! Much better sleeping in my own bed.
Of course there are times when humor should be deferred, but most of the time, it does help! Glad I could give at least one of you a laugh! I still chuckle over it myself sometimes.
Personally, if I had to cope with losing part of me, about the only thing that would get me down is losing my eyesight. I'd prefer not to lose anything, but take a leg, arm, hand, foot, hearing, speech, I would just have to learn to cope with it. Eyesight would scare the bejeezus out of me!
Something else that might help (or not), find some videos of animals who have to cope with limb loss. There was one (Vet Ranch on you tube videos, Pretzel) who only had 2 working legs, front and back on the same side - they were not sure she would have any quality of life, but she has done SO well! He did leave the other front limb on, although it was mainly paralyzed, so it was mostly for balance - she would hold it up when in motion, and the rear leg he also left part of it, so she has something to help stabilize and launch from, but doesn't walk on it. She was kept by the vet and became the office cat! More recent is James, born with no back legs (he has one little stub with a single claw, but it isn't usable - check him out on Kitten Lady's you tube video.) Bad enough that, but his stool was totally backed up and like a rock! They removed what they could and there was still more, but he finally passed that with some help AND there is a FB update 6/28 showing how "active" he is, despite having no hind legs!
It is amazing how well many animals (and people) do adjust to limb loss, and most animals don't have the option of prosthetics or walkers (some do have little "wheelchairs" if they need them to get around, but there are SO many who get around with 1 or even 2 missing limbs, and even some blind cats are AMAZING to watch in action!) People just unfortunately can think about it too much and get frustrated and/or depressed. I had one cat who suffered a broken hip joint (there are MANY Vet Ranch videos about this), where the best solution is to remove the ball at the end of the femur, which is already broken, and let the soft tissue strengthen and allow them to walk again without pain. In my little guy's case, initially if he tried to get up on hind legs, he would stumble or fall over, but eventually he could run and climb as if nothing happened! I would even find him on top of doors and there was nothing nearby to assist him getting up there!
The problem with devastating life events is that we sometimes forget that it is not just us who are badly affected. Our love ones suffer too but in a different way.
You need to let him know you are there for him but as your partner he has to be there for you too! Sometimes refocusing helps the sufferer forget their own issues whilst they try to put other things right.
You need to stop being his everything and let him figure out how to be what he is now.
No offense intended, but we can do to much and contribute to the problem instead of being a solution.
My dad lost one eye and about 50% of his vision in the other eye from a bad surgeon. He has found a way to live alone and take care of 3 dogs. So it can be done. His desire to be independent is stronger than his pity party. Tell your husband to stop feeling sorry for himself and start appreciating what he has. He could have gone completely blind from the diabetes.
Your husband needs to ‘man up’, be grateful for whatever he can (particularly your help), and make himself a list of challenges to work on (particularly not complaining).
My entire FULL post was just erased as I pushed the post button wrongly!! 😳🤪🥴
Maybe I will come back later....for now...I will say that I completely understand!!! Lots of good advice has been shared....Talk...set boundaries for your own mental health...and encourage independence!! ( It may take others to do that!!).
❤️
2) Does this group have a support group for spouses? Go - even if hubby will not attend you can still go. If there is no group or spouse support check for a Caregiver Support group in your area. Do it for you.
Take time for yourself away from Caregiving. As others mentioned, go for a walk, join a book club, take up a new hobby. You need to recharge your batteries once in a while.