Amazing husband of 16 years, in his 80s, works full-time at a job he likes; asymptomatic Palliative care patient for bladder cancer/recent surgery for superficial diagnosis; however, likely recurring high-grade pathology. I am in my 80s, retired, experiencing anticipatory grief.
We agree on Palliative Care choice. He is comfortable with prognosis; I am experiencing nightmares with viscerally devastating physical and mental responses. Outlived friends; live far away from relatives who are worn out listening to me. There are no Palliative Care caregiver support groups in Denver. Any ideas for coping?
I am wondering if you could be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Doing just a very brief search online regarding recurrent nightmares in adults brings up PTSD as a possible cause, along with more mundane ones of course (medication side effects are another-- maybe another avenue worth checking into with your doctor?).
Maybe along with looking into a support group of some kind, calling your doctor tomorrow about these serious symptoms you're experiencing now would be even more important. It sounds like you are really suffering! :(
Google "palliative care support denver".
When I took the GriefShare class, one woman was there with anticipatory grief. The GriefShare rules state that one must be experiencing grief over a death to attend. The leaders chose to ignore this rule (because the woman held a lot of influence in the church).
Perhaps because this woman tried to interject her viewpoint into every discussion, I very much resented her presence. *I* was there because my SON had died; what right did SHE have to take up so much time and offer her opinion all the time when her MOTHER hadn't even DIED YET?
I think anticipatory grief is very different from actual grief. I'm not sure your presence is appropriate at regular grief groups.
BUT I DO feel for you, very much!!! I think there must be some sort of support for you in the Denver area!
Has your husband's oncologist discussed the 5 year survival rate figures with you? They seem to be quite high which is encouraging.
It's possible that the shock of his diagnosis is making you realize that none of us gets off this planet alive. The older we get, the closer to death we each are.
I think perhaps framing this as anticipatory grief is too limiting. You may be experiencing traumatic thoughts and symptoms about your own mortality as well as your dear husband's.
I'm not trying to minimize the pain you are feeling; if anything, it's worse than anticipated grief. I thing individual talk therapy and may be antidepressants might be needed. ((((((Hugs))))))).
Meditation is also wonderful. You might be able to find a group to sit in with or look for guidance from tapes. But do keep looking for a caregivers or grief group to join since you are already drawn to that and it’s good to share grief.
Journaling is also very therapeutic.
Come back and let us know how you are doing. There is support for you here.
The only thing I can think of that would be useful is to seek out a grief support group and counseling. Is that possible for you at this time?
Also, if you are a member of a church you may want to speak to your pastor.