I'm not sure how to put this. My 2 older sisters are no help whatsoever with our 83 year old Dad. He lives in an assisted living facility that is great, yet they are the first ones to criticize for the decisions he makes. He still has his mental faculties, but my sisters believe as the power of attorney I can make decisions for him. I sometimes even feel like the staff at the assisted living facility judge me. I'm so burned out on dealing with my Dad. I feel like the stress is slowly killing me.
I hate to say it but it seems to go with the territory of being a POA.
The principal gives us problems. The siblings give us problems. Go anywhere and someone will be asking, who is POA? As if the answer to that solves all the problems.
It’s bad enough that we seem to hang up the family member hat and put on the worry wart hat. Is this the best medical care? Is this drug harmful? Do they have enough money to pay for care for as long as they live? Do I skip the grands ballgame to go to the care meeting? Do I take this trip or stay and be on call? No, relative, Aunt can’t contribute to your kids college fund or your honeymoon or the new roof”.
The list is endless and touches every aspect of your life. Regardless of whether you are doing 24/7 hands on or “just” managing the care, you are it. “Tag. You are it.”
My suggestion is to speak clearly to your siblings or anyone else needing a wake up call.
“I’m doing the best I can. I know you appreciate it. I’m counting on your support.”
My theory about why some siblings are distant is they feel guilty. Yet they don’t want the job. We are sensitive to their criticism because we are spent. It’s a conundrum.
I believe in family meetings. I think you have to earn the right to be critical. If you brother or sister care so much then meet up and let’s discuss past present and future steps and actions in a calm setting with the intention of supporting our loved one and one another.
I made my goal with caretaking my mother to still have an extended family when it was all over. We are actually closer than we were before we started.
After reading some posts on this site I know I was lucky.
With my aunt (91) who has no children, it’s a different scenario. Different health issues. I’m somewhat detached. I’ve hired more help. She’s easier to care for than my mom. The mother daughter dynamic is not there. I’m pacing myself. I’m older. I’m tired. Many differences but the weight of POA is ever present. I get wake up calls every so often. I hear a comment that I take to heart. I try to do better even though others tell me I’m doing great.
My intention this time is to arrive at the end with some life left to live and the desire to live it.
I recently told my younger brother. “Be careful. You turn around one day and the ability to do certain things has passed you by.”
So you have to get a tougher skin. Be clear with yourself on what your intentions are. Fold their care into your life. Don’t allow it to take you over.
If your siblings are the type that make you sorry that you even mentioned an issue, then don’t. Bring it here and vent away to people who understand and will support you.
You are not the bad guy. You are the hero.
"My theory about why some siblings are distant is they feel guilty. Yet they don’t want the job. We are sensitive to their criticism because we are spent. It’s a conundrum."
Thank you.
I have a very dysfunctional family. There are 5 of us and by the last year and a half of mom's life, I received no help from any of them.
So, when the sister POA announced that she was cutting back the amount of money she was giving of my mom's, then I became the bad guy. Did I care?? Not one iota!!
I hired a Medicaid attorney, a private care manager, asked for help from my younger brother for payment of this and got mom on Medicaid and was awarded 24/7 home health aide care to help me keep mom home. By doing this, my sister POA had to turn over all of mom's money to the trust, etc. etc. So she ended up with no use of mom's money, which is how it should have been the whole time.
So, yes I am the bad guy. I kept mom whole until her last breath which was her wish and my promise. I didn't let anyone bully me. I didn't let their lack of support stop me. I did what I had to do for my mom. I am eternally grateful for being able to do what I did. My sisters don't talk to me. My older brother barely speaks to me. My younger brother, the one who lives out of state, stays in touch and is supportive.
I wouldn't normally promote being the bad guy. I like to think that siblings can pull together to do the right thing. But when pushed into the corner? I come out swinging. I have no regrets. Absolutely none. My mom was well taken care of. I managed to take good care of myself. I am grieving and hoping to have a good life when I get to the other side of my grief.
So, I say this. Take care of your dad. Take care of yourself. Don't worry about what anybody else thinks. It doesn't matter. As long as your dad is being well taken care of, you are doing all you can do. Please take care of yourself. Do what you have to do to take care of your health. The day will come that you will be grateful that you did because you will be free to enjoy your life in whatever the next chapter of your life will be.
No they're not, they are happy it's not them. I am glad it was a text communication or I may have said regrettable things. I am the bad guy, dad thinks so and everyone he tries to manipulate into taking him in thinks so, because I don't stop him from trying to leave.
I am like, did you NOT read what I just said, did you NOT hear me? Are you kidding me, I will explain what is going on, they will talk to him and they get a fantasy island conversation then call me and ask, is he lying about This? This, being what I just told them is going on, he spins it to manipulate and get what he wants. Is he lying, are you asking me or are you saying I lied because he told you SOME B'S that doesn't match what I told you, even though I told you he is doing that very thing. Aaaaauuuuuuugghhh. I decided yesterday that I will not be giving any more information out. How is he? Fine as frog hair. My dad's family obviously want to make me the bad guy, well okay, there are situations where there needs to be a bad guy, I will do it. I'm the only one helping him, I'm the only one that sees him and if he talks to them once a month it's a lot. Bad guy here, what was that? Yes you are right I am "B"eautiful, "I"ntelligent, "T"alented, "C"harming, and "H"appy. Thank you have a nice day. If it isn't hard enough dealing with my dad and his nonsense it seems like there is always one of his relatives waiting to take over and let me know how messed up I am. I know I can't win with them so I officially have quit trying, dad's needs are met and he is safe. If any of them want more, please come get him and best of luck.
Sorry for the rant, I get being the bad guy and I am learning to hold boundaries, they don't get you have no control but you have all the responsibility. I wish they would have a little sense to look into it from a legal standpoint then they might get it. What some people think is them helping is like watching a science fiction movie.
Keep your chin up bad guy and know you are doing the best you can regardless of what anyone of them think, say or do.
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