How do you deal with false accusations from your mom with dementia?

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How do you deal with false accusations from your mom with dementia?

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My mom is accusing my sister who has been the main caregiver for many years with theft and other things. My sister is hurt and is trying to step back from helping. She has been the main caregiver for my dad. My mom and dad live in their own home and are 91 years of age.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Family Caregiver Relationships

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PenelopeT and others - please disregard comments like the one Rusty2166 posted. This person knows NOTHING about dementia and posts crap like this all the time. Other screennames used are Riley2166 and Lockett2166. Often without even seeing the name, I can tell from the comment who posted it. I do wish admin would shut this person down.

(read my reply to the comment made here for some "details")

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I stand firm on this - NEVER, EVER ALLOW ANYONE TO ABUSE YOU especially if there is NO valid reason, dementia or not, I don't care. Check out possible medication, and if nothing works, LET THEM HAVE IT BIG TIME. They may not understand but it will relieve YOU of the pressure building up inside of you which will destroy YOU if you don't fight back. Don't be fool and just ignore it - it doesn't work that well and will cause resentment in you. If nothing stops this, you may have to remove yourself completely and let the chips fall where they do. After all, YOU are the most important now.

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I really don't understand how ANYONE can choose to make this a "Helpful Answer." Most of your posts, whatever screenname you are using (Riley2166, Lockett2166, or this one) are useless and some are borderline abusive (at least one WAS abusive - telling the person to tie their LO to a tree in the woods until they can become continent again???)

Ignorance isn't always bliss. Ignorance, for the record, means:

"lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about a particular thing."

Informally it can also mean "discourteous or rude", but in YOUR case it can mostly be attributed to the first definition. You know ABSOLUTELY nothing about dementia. NONE of your "methods" will work. I say it's the first definition mostly, because the rest of your tirades are just part of your personality. Caring? Hardly. Smart? For dementia, nope. I don't know you personally, thankfully, so I have no way to know how "smart" you really are. Your posts regarding issues with dementia clearly demonstrate your ignorance about the conditions. You can't "correct" someone's dementia behavior by "letting them have it" and even if you try, THAT isn't helpful to the person venting it. It doesn't solve either issue.

Also, people who are trying their best to help their LOs do NOT need to be told they are fools for wanting to help them. If a person is competent, but mean, spiteful, hurtful, yes, one needs to consider walking away (unless there are other medical concerns the person needs help with - then you make plans to get away, BUT ensure they have what they need first.) IF a person isn't competent, you can't "let the chips fall where they do" or leave them to "lie in the bed they made." People with dementia did NOT make that bed. They have a MEDICAL condition over which they have NO control. Capiche??? I doubt it - you never respond, so most likely you never come back to read anything posted about your comments.

YOUR methods are so crude and vile. You abandoned one of your POA charges because he developed dementia symptoms and you took his behavior personally and dumped him. What you said about him clearly indicated dementia, at which time he would need your advocacy even more than before, yet you ditch him. Nice friend you are!

Also, going back, again, to your profile, why don't you spend your spare time searching for and moving to a place you like, rather than just b***hing about how much you hate it there (their feelings about you just might be mutual!) Once you resolve your own issues, then go learn about dementia. REALLY learn about it, before suggesting how to deal with it, because you know nothing.

If I had a magic wand, I would help cure all these people first, but I would also use it to banish people like you someplace where you could do no more harm.

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Contact TEEPA SNOW, who is one of the country's leading experts on dementia. She has lots of information on her website, very helpful staff, webinars. A person needs to understand how brain chemistry changes a person due to the brain 'not working' as it used to. Call Teepa and her staff will assist you. It 'helps' to not take things / words personally when one understands it is how the brain changes and parts deteriorate. The person - your Mom - isn't doing this 'on purpose.' She cannot help it.
* Essential to set boundaries and time-outs.
* Education yourself / family members will help immensely. Gena

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My mother is always misplacing things and accusing "someone" of taking them. She said some of her makeup is "missing". She either put it someplace, or more likely used it. She said that my 22 year old niece (her granddaughter) must have taken it. Even if my niece WORE makeup (more than mascara and eye liner) she wouldn't want grandma's janky old makeup, let alone steal it. It's infuriating.

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"...she wouldn't want grandma's janky old makeup..." teeheehee... ;-)

This was one of the early signs that I missed at the time. There weren't many instances (she lived in her own place, and if the idea didn't pop into her head, I wouldn't hear about it.) The one that stuck with me was accusing my OB of taking her tweezers during a visit, staying at her place. When she said it, I just replied why would he take that, they are like $2 at the store! I bought her another for the next trip down to help.

Later, after we moved her to MC and were clearing out items, I found THREE in the bathroom drawer!! That wasn't enough... In a dresser drawer, in some re-purposed plastic container was about FIVE or SIX MORE!!!

Too much of random stuff like this has ended up in my house (thanks OB.) I've warned my kids that if something happens to me and they find stuff like this, where there's too many/much, it's because it came from her place! I have a lifetime supply of plastic wrap, tin foil and the like! Random things I don't even want (fake plants anyone?), broken items, etc that he brought here and dumped at my doorstep. My plan had been to get my house fixed (lots of repairing to get done) and then go through my own stuff and get rid of things... now I have all her stuff... and more, since she passed (we weren't allowed in, so they stuffed everything into the laundry basket, trash bin, boxes from the kitchen, etc... I don't even want to think about going through it all...

But, thanks for the laugh!

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Your sister needs her own life. Parents should be in a facility that can care for them properly and you and your sister can visit. If that becomes to hard, then don't visit. Parents should not be a burden on their children. Seems this generation of old people think it is ok to burden their children, some how they are owed.

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No, her sister needs some concrete assistance from this sister who has decided to ask the question. ANd you are making assumptions without knowing any of the details of this family's circumstances let alone finances. Parents are what they are. Sometimes yes, they are burdensome, just like children. Some children are able and willing to give back. No one wants to be a burden, but sometimes we all need a hand. ANd it isn't that they think it's ok to burden, it's a sense of family and being there for each other.

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I tend to think this is coming from a person who had some type of personality disorder to begin with, in their younger years. All the folks I’ve known w dementia didn’t lie or make false accusations although I knew a couple people who did that had a personality issue

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Lie? Accusations??? Lordy! It's not really about a 'false' accusation. They lost something and if it's missing someone must have taken it. The brain is broke. In many cases, there is absolutely no logic. Like, she thinks someone stole the purse - no here it is under your chair. Someone stole the car keys? Nope, they're right here inside the vase where you've always put them (but since you can't see them, and you forgot about the vase, you think they are missing). The next day her red purse is stolen. No, you had a black purse yesterday when I found it. Here it is with all your stuff in it.

Those are just a few I witnessed first hand. And the purse/keys became a daily Easter egg hunt

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Imho, your sister should realize that these accusations are not true with some with a broken brain. I realize that it still hurts, though. Prayers sent.

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Sister needs to be more informed before she can "realize" this. When she took on this care-giving role, if she wasn't and still isn't aware of what fun dementia can throw at you, she's in for much more hurt!

OP could help by getting all this information for sister. There's a lot to digest, so perhaps weed through it all and give her the Cliff Notes version, with all the "highlights." Not everyone will experience every possible symptom or behavior, but being aware, forewarned is to be forearmed! Along with the list of possible symptoms and behaviors should be a list of how to handle said issues.

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Accusing people of stealing is so common with Alzheimer’s patients (as I found out when we took care of my mom for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer’s). I even wrote a book about our travails taking care of her during this time called, “My Mother Has Alzheimer’s and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver’s tale.” I have chapters entitled, “Steel Yourself for Stealing,” and “Paranoia Can Destroy Ya.” Both the paranoia and accusations were related with my mom, in that if she couldn’t find something, the “logical” explanation was that someone stole it from her, which led to an overall sense of paranoia. Once she accused someone of stealing her dental bridge. Do you know where it was? In her mouth! (A Bridge Over a Troubled Daughter, another chapter title.) I never saw her blush before this incident. I knew that the accusations were coming from the disease, and not her, per se, so I tried not to take the accusations personally, and that’s the advice that I’d give anyone, (as others have echoed).

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Theft, for some reason, is a very common issue. Can't help but wonder if they remember something from long ago but just don't know where it is right now. A lost purse (hid by mom) turns in to theft. Etc. A funny, but not so funny: A lady I knew always kept a roll of quarters (or more) in her purse. When the theft accusations started, the quarters always came up. Actually it was her. She would pull the paper off the rolls and dump the quarters in her purse, the floor, her lap. Then she would say someone stole the rolls of quarters - technically, the rolls were gone. LOL. I would reroll them and put them back. Or kept other rolls hid away to replace them right away, take the loose ones, rerolls and save 'em for another day.

My best advice to keep frustrations on a lower level for everyone: Don't try to argue with a broken brain. It believes what it believes and all the arguing, or setting someone straight, will never change it.

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Penelope,

I understand how hurtful it is to be accused of terrible crimes by a LO with dementia!

Your poor sister must feel devastated! Perhaps remind her that Mom and Dad's brains are broken and that they are no longer the people she grew up with! That's not an excuse, it's a valid reason for that behavior. They no longer live in the same reality as you and your sister.

As others have suggested, it may be time to seek alternative care for them.

Sending you (((hugs))) and best wishes!!

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Thankyou for your great wisdom

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Having 91 y/o parents with dementia of this magnitude living in their own home is a recipe for disaster for many, many reasons. There comes a time when safety should take precedence and common sense needs to prevail; when the house gets sold and the proceeds are used to fund their joint apartment in Memory Care Assisted Living. Especially since their false accusations are causing your sister to step back from caregiving. Dementia does normally reach a point where it becomes TOO much for any human being to handle alone at home, and too unsafe for the sufferers to deal with alone at home as well. Nobody benefits.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a safe solution to your parents situation.

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Thankyou

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This to me is unacceptable. I don't care if someone has dementia and is lashing out - I can't tolerate it - and I would not tolerate it. I would first calmly explain the lack of truth, etc. Of course that won't do any good but you are getting it out of YOUR system how you feel. And if they keep it up, I would really probably explode and let them have it. It might shut them up temporarily. If nothing helps and I doubt it will, I would NOT take care of them, find a caretaker, or I would place them. No one should take a negative impact on their own life because of aging parents who have dementia and all the related problems. I could not handle it and I am sure there are many others who feel as I do. No way.

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I would like to know why people think it is o.k. that we caretakers just have to be ducks and let this roll off our backs. We are doing the caretaking and this is NOT right. It has to be stopped by whatever means are possible because holding it in will eventually harm those of us who remain who are helping - that is wrong and we do not deserve it. This is an example of why people like this should NOT live home with the younger families.

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Just one woman's experience. I went to the police and gave them all of my information and explained that at some point my mother would call and say that I had stolen her car. They entered all of the into into their system, which any officer can access with a small device. Sure enough, about five months later, she called. They explained to her that she had insisted that I drive the car.

So, in your situation? I would give the job to a professional accountant. Done and done. Sure it costs something but isn't it worth it to be free and clear legally?

My mother was threatening to go to a lawyer even though I was doing whatever I could to help her. Avoid having a lawyer get involved. They would really "steal" the money. Unless it is an elder lawyer.

Anyway, good luck!

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I am so very sorry to hear this. It is so hard for the one being accused. But if you can explain this is quite common for people with dementia to do. It is not something the person would say/do if their brain was not broken. In order to handle this or similar things is to imagine this is a different person, not the loved one of years before. Accusing is much like their unbelievable stories. They are living in a different world. We can not understand it, so don’t even try. When it happens, just know it’s not true and try to let it bounce off, like a ball off a wall. The real person is in there but what you hear is not. Change subject when the person starts accusing, do not argue, tell you will check on it. Try to calm the patient by saying “It’s ok”. And say the same to yourself as the caregiver/loved one. Keep a calm voice. ❤️

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And what do you do as far as caregiving?

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Don’t take it personally. It is the dementia. Try changing the subject or diverting her attention elsewhere. It feels hurtful to be blamed for stealing from your own parent, but it’s just part of this awful disease.

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Wrong and wrong! My mother accused me of coming into her AL apartment in the middle of the night to rummage through her things during LOCKDOWN. This was a lie and not physically possible and this was just one accusation. She was an emotionally absent, neglectful mother while I grew up and there’s no excuse for this behavior. I cut contact the last two months to save my sanity.

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It is so very hard to deal with false accusations. They are usually a symptom of dementia. The older person remembers an item or event - and it may be from a much earlier time in their life - and can't find it. They become anxious and frustrated in trying to "find" the lost item. So, they leap to the conclusion that someone must have taken it, hidden it, thrown it own... and the logical person is the one who does the caregiving. The frustration and anxiety may include harsh comments, threats, and even violence. It can be extremely difficult if the person with dementia is obsessing about this item and getting mad throughout the day, for days on end, and for weeks.

I am pretty sure your sister is tired of the nastiness. She probably has tried "looking with mom" for the lost item. She probably has asked mom about the lost item and memories associated with it. She probably has tried diverting mom's attention from whatever she is obsessing about.

It sounds like it is time for a doctor's appointment. The doctor can make sure there isn't a physical reason for mom's obsession - stroke, blood chemistry imbalances, poor oxygenation, infections. If those are ruled out, the doctor can prescribe a mild anti-anxiety agent that can calm mom's anxiety and frustration. It may not stop the "constant loop of obsessive thoughts" but the anger and nastiness should subside.

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Generally helpful answer, but I have to add, good luck getting an MD to intervene. My mother just turned 89. I got a call 15 years ago from a private detective about some madness she was perpetrating (stalking a crush), and I've tried like everything to get professionals involved to help her--to this day, no help. Her primary care doctor is an arrogant idiot who specializes in tropical diseases, an ex-navy man, who refuses to investigate whether she is experiencing mini-strokes (as I have witnessed!), refuses to refer her to a psychiatrist, or to a women's specialty practice, refuses, refuses, refuses. A "Park Avenue" doctor. I could choke him. I hope my experience is NOT common to this forum!

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This happened to me and my sister. We actually had a cousin talk our aunt into sneaking an attorney into her assisted living apartment and taking us out if the will and making the cousin POA. They also then filed a police report citing jewlery we never saw and pots and pans and ridiculous items like that. Of course the police investigated and found we had taken nothing. My attorney told us to just walk away. It wasn't worth fighting and our health was suffering. God knows we ( and you) did nothing wrong. The cousin has since moved our aunt and we have no idea where she is. I pray for her safety and well-being and find comfort in knowing someday she will know the truth. Stay strong and tell your sister to take care of herself first.

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Any maybe, just maybe, it IS time for your sister to step back from caregiving. What does she do for your parents in terms of caregiving? Does she live with them?

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My mom is accusing me of spying on her ...hmmmm wonder what I’m spying on lol

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Oh thank you all for this advice my dad has told all the nurses I am stealing his money...I was so sad for awhile ..as most all of us would never take a cent I didn’t even want to know about his finances but when I filed to be the guardian I have been forced to. I’ve always thought if he only knew the rules to being a good guardian. I most often change the subject and it works every-time, my heart just breaks for everyone

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I had an elderly aunt for whom I did SO much.
In return she regularly accused me of stealing her jewelry, particularly her prized pearl necklace. Of course she always found the pearls and NEVER, EVER apologized or acknowledged she had found them. She accused me of stealing 2 glucose monitors (she had climbed a stool and shoved them deep into the back of a cabinet above he stove), and countless other things.

For the most part, she was alert and her dementia was very mild (she was still driving at the time). But she definitely had dementia and the paranoia was a definite sign.

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This happens to me with my grandmother who is 92. From what I have read, the easiest thing to do is change the subject, It has worked with my grandmother for the most part. From stealing paperwork in the middle of the night when shes sleeping (i live 1400 miles away) to screaming horrible things that bring me to tears whether im on the phone with her or when I visit. I change the subject if I can and she goes on with the new topic.

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Can you share your information on how to make a transporter? I'd love to be able to travel 1400 miles overnight!

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Agreed with the others. This is a common symptom for those with dementia. Be supportive of your sister, help if/when you can, and ASSURE her this IS common and to try not to take it personally.

If possible, she can try various methods to diffuse the situation(s). Learning more about dementia and various "tricks" to distract, redirect focus, going along with the false ideas (so long as they aren't unsafe!), etc might help her. We are encouraged to not disagree with the false ideas, to "live" in their reality, don't argue, don't correct, etc. If possible, offer to look for the "missing" item(s). If found and accused of putting it there, laugh it off, say you put it there by mistake and try to change the subject.

Sister will need a lot of support, even if it's just emotional support. Step in if/when you can, to give her a break. If possible, use some of their funds to hire some extra help to take care of things that need to be done.

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Agree with others comments, been there done that too. Try distraction, change the subject, redirecting, I'll help you look for (whatever's missing)".
Look on YouTube for Videos by Teepa Snow. She's an expert on strategies for behaviors in Dementia and Alzheimer's! Really helps me to cope.
Best wishes.

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PenelopeT - my Alz. mother accused me and other relatives of stealing her stuff, too. This is a phase of the disease, and it will pass. For my mother, I think it lasted between 6-12 months.

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Totally agree with funkygrandma.

Please encourage sis not to take it personally. It is VERY common. She will not be able to convince your mom that these things are untrue. But your sister should be confident in the truth that she did not do anything wrong and that your mom can't help her inability to understand this.

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Sounds like your mom is showing signs of dementia. It's very common for folks with dementia, to be paranoid, and accusatory. Your mom's brain is broken, and can't be fixed, so the best thing for you all to do is educate yourselves on dementia, as knowledge is key, and that will help you all better know how to deal with her. Please tell your sister, as hard as it is, to not take what your mom is saying personal, as she really can't help it. Wishing you the best.

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How do you deal with false accusations from your mom with dementia?

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