My parents chose to move all the way across the country when I was a very young child. I am an only child. Over the past 40+ years my parents have done everything they can to distance themselves from all family and friends. No hobbies, no church or club organizations...nothing. They avoid neighbors like the plague (and have always been proud of it!). We've lived in this same town for 40 years and they know NO ONE. I had to move my dad into an ALF this year. Now everyday my mom rants about how lonely she is, how there is no one, no family, and not enough support for her and my dad. This and other life decisions from the past are now coming back to bite her. She dumps on me every day. I cannot solve her problems. She is starting to make me feel guilty for doing anything fun or social, spending time with my husband's family, etc. If I'm not at work or doing housework, she lays a guilt trip on me.
Another only child here.
Do NOT accept the guilt. Those were their decisions to make and THEY made them. You had nothing to do with it.
It's not fair (nor advisable) for you to stop your life because she is alone.
However, would she be willing to "join others" at THIS time of her life like adult day care at a senior center? Could your mom qualify to join your dad in the ALF, (or maybe independent living connected to it)?
Would she be willing to join clubs or organizations now? Could she volunteer somewhere?
I understand her plight. Could it have been your dad who was antisocial and she just went along with it? My ex suffered from depression and he wanted to hermit himself in our home. It got worse as he got older and, in the end, we had no friends left. Luckily I got out of that relationship after 30 years and rejoined the world!
Whether she goes to activities or not, it's not your problem, so don't "own" it. All you can do is say you're sorry she's in this situation.
If she is as independent as you say she is, actually borderline recluse, she shouldn’t need you to do things for her. Respect her as your mother, but not as someone you need to let run your life. I am an only child and my parents were pretty much the same way.
My mom is 75 and her own mother lived to be 96. I cannot imagine 20 more years of this crapola.
But I see a most definite consequence that is paid at life’s end for being a loner.
Well that’s where we are now. I’ll stop as these stories can go on for pages!