Forgive me for sounding childish,....
Every parent has their favourite child or at least the one that they see eye to eye with most, the one that reminds them of themselves the most or one that they just gel with the best in general.
For my Mum it was the oldest child, my late brother.
While I was seen as someone who strived to excel and who Mum was very proud of,.. it doesn’t matter what I did,.. I still always felt second best. Of course she would never ever admit to this and always claimed it was silly of me to think that. Later in the years I kind of just accepted they had a special bond but that I was still equally important.
Fast forward to now,.. all of a sudden the filter is gone. All of a sudden I’ve gone from being her talented, career girl who knew how to do everything and whom she was proud of to,- her personal maid, cleaner, good at nothing daughter who steals and is evil.
I get that dementia causes a person to accuse of stealing and be rude but she is always doing it in the context of comparison to my late brother and I’m finding it so difficult. She is now openly admitting how I’m practically nothing compared to him in many ways.
Examples from today:
She accused me of stealing a post card that my brother had sent which she today found again (left by her).
She went on about how that is HER SON and it doesn’t belong to me and that is their special thing. How good he was compared to me almost like I’m coming between them etc etc. I said I’ve never touched the card, you have it right there in your hand and I am your DAUGHTER! She was spiteful towards me the whole day.
As I offered her a seat to prep her for coffee,.. she kicked me with both legs several times as she was still angry from above raising her voice. While this happened, one of my cats decided to act out and pee on the sofa (luckily it had a cover due to Mum).
Then she went to use the bathroom and complained that it was too messy for her to use and I should be cleaning it! One of the cats had tracked a bit of kitty litter on the floor. I said it won’t hurt you, it’s not near you, I’ll deal with it later as right now I’m eating. She insisted that she can’t use the toilet as it’s disgusting and huffed and puffed like I’m useless. I then said,.. well,.. there’s a dust pan right next to you if you want to clean it up before using the toilet, one of the cats is yours after all and we used to share the workload around here. She did not take lightly to that at all!! She acts like I need to do things at a snap of a finger! She points out things that need cleaning, fixing constantly! I can’t keep up anymore and she is the one that is mainly causing mess. Ironically her room is the messiest but not in her eyes!
Much later when the dust had settled (literally), I tried to speak to her about the day. I asked her (which I probably shouldn’t have),.. what does she see as good qualities in me? What is good about me. I guess I was hoping to trigger her memory of the old times, remind her of the fact that I am her dear daughter.
Her response was,.. I’m good at cleaning and making sure things are sorted. That’s it!
I'm sorry but I’m finding this all so hard as I was doing so well in my career before and have had many talents and this is what I am now,.. a maid.
I know I shouldn’t take it to heart but I’ve sacrificed so much and I still do everything for her despite her anger, snide comments and so forth.
The other night we were at a burger place and she fat shamed me. She pointed to a rather large lady and said,.. her and I look very similar and kept repeating it! Now I’ve put on a few kilos during lockdown but I’m still in a healthy range! Needless to say I kind of lost my appetite. It used to me a fun thing Mum and I occasionally did but no more. It was miserable.
I feel like every chance she gets, she hurts me and like my existence is purely for her benefit and in fact that was her comforting words to me when I was crying,.. that SHE needs me.
Please get out of this situation. It's not just your mom who counts.
Your cat is already stressed to the max thus the reason for peeing on the sofa.
You are stressed trying to please your mother and get her to see you are a worthwhile daughter who deserved to be loved the way she loved your older brother.
Your mother is who she always was magnified 100 times more by the dementia. Now she can't hide and pretend like she used to. What a shame that she has such a precious gift of you as her daughter that she could never fully appreciate because she played favorites.
For your own mental well being and financial well being please consider starting to make the arrangements to place her. I hate to see you waste your life and then a few more years down the road having to put her in a facility anyway. With the end result being her cruel words tearing you down so much you never go back to who you were before you became her caregiver.
Mum is on waitlist for care facility. I just worry how her antics will go there. But also we are trying to sort out her POA prior,.. as she never did the paperwork. Despite all the above, she still wants me as her POA as she knows I’m good to her and because she is dual citizen and I speak the language.
I’m afraid this has all already affected my self esteem. I’ve noticed myself retracting in confidence. I’ve found myself questioning,. Who am I to apply for this or that role when opportunities have been mentioned.
At the moment my workplace is providing me with flexibility care wise but lately I’ve been feeling unworthy and dumb and almost as if others see me like that. Part of this is probably because I’m averaging 5h sleep.
My doctor has referred me to a psychologist but again I’m on a waitlist (due to extreme demand) and it’s proving difficult to find the time between the work I do and the care I provide for Mum.
I’ve attempted to reconnect with my dad (overseas). After all, my mum refers to me often with his family surname. “The,....”.
He never gave up on me, it was just my Mum had custody and moved overseas. We are almost strangers but perhaps I’ll find a connection I never knew existed. I was his only child. Strange how I’m seeking this now and almost feeling guilty.
That stage has come and gone.
Now, her language skills have taken a nosedive.
I want you to know that this phase won’t last forever.
I also read your reply that says that your mom is on a waitlist for a facility. Then, you can just go back to being a daughter, and can leave if your mom gets abusive.
May God give you strength til then.
Agree, never argue.
Divert, never reason.
Distract, never shame.
Reassure, never lecture.
Reminisce. Never say "remember"
Repeat, never say I told you.
Do what they can do, never say I can't.
Ask, never demand.
Encourage, never condescend.
Reinforce, never force.
I suggest you come to terms with the fact that it's not going to improve. That she can't properly control her thoughts and what comes out of her mouth. That it's the dementia talking. And that you can therefore IGNORE everything she says. Do not let her snide comments get under your skin and hurt you. Let them bounce off. Just say, in your head "whatever!".
Do you have any timeframe for when she might get into a facility? If it's soonish, just try to distance yourself emotionally. If it's any length of time (like more than a week or two!), start hiring some help with her money to take care of you. She won't like it and will say mean things but what else is new? As long as she is being safely taken care of, she doesn't have to like it. But you deserve a break.
The only help I’m getting is 1-2h a fortnight that someone comes and takes her out. I haven’t been offered anything else.... unless I were to pay privately which is quite hefty.
ill be honest and say I actually feel pretty disappointed at the level of support available. I feel like I’m just given the run around.
I also asked about cleaning support (just her areas) and was told because she lives with me, it’s considered my duty. Then they agreed that they might just do her bedroom and bathroom. Then that turned to, we don’t carry the vacuum down stairs (it’s a handstick vacuum) and you would need to ensure any clutter is first removed and we don’t move any chairs etc. Well with mums dementia clutter is the problem, ie she puts her clothes wherever and she does have a small desk and chair in her room. The showering help also said, they would only shower if she willingly went in (They wouldn’t try and even pursued her) and there’d be NO heating the room due to staff OH&S. Well, I can say right now Mum would refuse if the room wasn’t warm! I just feel like these services really aren’t catered for dementia.
even the 1-2h outing,. It’ll take half hour before Mum is even in a car! And last time I spoke to them they said the previous outing just over 2h was too long and they’ll aim for just 1h.
I just don’t get it!!
will they be like this at the memory care / aged care too? Will they leave Mum unshowered, in wet depends etc,... because I can tell you now, she needs a firm grip with matters, someone who takes control of a situation.
I once asked a professional why the delusional stuff was always unpleasant - he said he didn't know but it came with the territory.
Many of our parents do have preferred children and do not do well covering that up. My mother was the same - one thing is noticeable though. They are often the absent/less available offspring! 🤔
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