My father is 81 and in a long-term, state assisted, nursing facility and hasn't been able to walk for years. He forbids to do any type of physical therapy and has been in the hospital over 40 times since 2018. He is now on dialysis and is bused to a separate dialysis facility three times a week.
The first few weeks he was in his new, permanent, facility, we noticed a few things were stolen from him (clothes, money, comforter) so both he and I decided that it would be better if I held onto his wallet, diamond rings, debit cards, etc. Now that he is completely away from his room three times a week for dialysis, I definitely don’t feel like any valuables he might have in his room, would be safe.
Fast forward five months… he is now at the point where he is beginning to develop some type of brain impairment. The medical staff tells me that he does not have dementia or Alzheimer’s, but he has developed cognitive impairment and a significant lapse in short term memory. Going to visit him has become a chore and always ends as soon as he begins an argument. I try to listen and nod but that makes him even more mad. Many times, it goes something like this, “dad, I am sorry you feel this way. I am doing the best I can but if you are going to yell at me, call me names and disrespect me, I must leave. We can try this again another day.”
Whenever I see him, he demands that I give him back all his rings, his wallet, debit, and credit cards, etc., and calls me a *****. 95% of his pension is used to pay for his facility so I can’t risk giving him back his bank stuff in case he overdrafts on it. I have given him a prepaid Visa card, but he yells at me and says there is nothing on it. I took it back and called the number and there is money on it, but I learned he doesn’t have the ability to dial the phone correctly nor read the numbers on the card and follow the directions when trying to purchase anything.
He wants to buy takeout food and other things like scissors, glue, stapler, etc., (nurses always take that stuff away and I understand) because he says he is working on a “project.” For his “project” he has also been collecting all the grapefruit and cranberry drink cups after he drinks out of them and piles them up on his rolling table. They smell and attract bugs and it is disgusting. He was/is a hoarder, so I understand his need to collect things but being in the place he is in, the staff tells him it is unacceptable and after a few days they always take it away.
He thinks it is me who is throwing his stuff away and he now wants everything back. When I try to explain to him where things are going, and why, and that he can’t have his real bank debit card back, he yells at me and calls me names. Of course, I have talked to the staff about it, and it isn’t like they haven’t seen things like this happen before, but how do I get my dad to see things clearly and stop arguing with me and anyone else who is trying to help him? Is there even hope? I don’t want to feel like I haven’t done the best I could before he passes away.
Is this continuing with dialysis what your Father would have chosen? For myself, it is already written into my advance directive that I choose not to have administration of food and fluid if I am unable to choose myself to eat and drink, and that I will not have CPR, intubation, dialysis.
It seems to me this is a miserable life being prolonged only with torment as an outcome. Only you can know what his wishes were.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this, both of you.
You can't look to HIM to acknowledge that you've done the best you could. You just don't want to FEEL like you haven't done the best you could.
Stop tying your feelings to what your cognitively impaired dad says. He's not capable of knowing what you're doing correctly or not, but YOU are. You know you're doing a good job looking out for his well-being, so you'll have to be your own best friend here and reinforce that to yourself.
Would the staff be amenable to letting your dad make a "cup snake?" (Google the term -- it's quite the thing at baseball games nowadays.) If you bought him a bunch of clean, unused Solo cups, you could leave a couple of them each time you visit and he can stack them to his heart's content. Leave a note for the staff that the red cups (or whatever you choose) are clean and unused, and to please not throw them away. It's a thought anyway...
He is also appearing to have some paranoid reactions, which are also typical for his age.
It’s tough to hear criticism from someone who hasn’t been harsh before, but you can’t do much to change it, so for his sake and yours, you’ll need to learn to ignore it.
Continue as you are keeping items of value away from him, and if he is too offensive verbally, tell him briefly that you love him but you don’t like the way he’s talking, and leave. DON’T LINGER- it will NOT change his behavior.
Short chatty visits will work the best.
Many of us have experienced this, and it’s no fun. Keep posting!
"He is also appearing to have some paranoid reactions, which are also typical for his age," I did not know that and THAT is exactly the kind of information I am looking for in this thread. Knowing that helps me feel a little less guilty for not being able to give him what he wants. It is like dealing with the tantrums of a two year old. My, how the tables have turned. LOL
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! You have been so helpful!
There is no reason Dad needs any of what you mention in an AL, MC or LTC. His name should be in everything he owns even that comforter. Take pictures of everything. When they become missing, ask that they be returned. I have even looked in Mom's roomates closet and found Mom's clothes. I found a top on Moms bed that was BIG. I questioned why it was there. Because it had been washed but had no name in it was the answer and tgey thought it maybe Mom's. Ok, but since my Mom is a 12/14 didn't you think an 18/20 top looked a little big and so not something my Mom would wear.
Yes, they told me that the toxins could cause that behavior. I understand but I can't get him to understand nor do I think he even cares. Thank you for your reminder!