How do you handle public bm accidents?
I'll spare the details, suffice it to say I feel sorry for the person that has to clean up the bathroom. He walks from the restroom covered in "stuff" to the car (restaurant and golf club house are the two most recent). He gets angry at me for gagging but I have to drive home with the windows open, leaning over as close as possible to the window. I do not handle things that come out of the body (except for blood for some reason).
I have carried a blanket in the car for years, so I cover the seat with that that with the command to him to not touch anything. Get home and I have to deal with the blanket, the car, and of course his clothes, while he showers, all the while I'm gagging. (Tried the Vicks under the nose, didn't help.)
He came home today and declared how sick he is, he must have covid. Sigh. Nope, he's not sick, he's incontinent and won't admit it. At home he makes it to the bathroom but in public, he explodes when he gets to the toilet. At least he gets that far (so no need for incontinence underwear), I should be thankful that he isn't actually going in his pants (although maybe this is a precursor to that?).
How do I handle this? I have no desire to ever go in a restaurant with him again. We have some have-to-do trips coming up (still dealing with dad's estate and house) and I dread the thought of having to hit all his favorite restaurants and staying in a hotel where clean up won't be easy.
I have suggested a diet change to eliminate flour and he won't hear of it. He wants his doughnuts, pizza, and subs. I hope to be able to bring this up with his PCP next week, but that will be difficult.
So, anyone have the voice of experience and can suggest something I am overlooking?
May I ask why it will be difficult to bring this up to his PCP? Perhaps you could use the patient portal to communicate with his doctor prior to the appointment to let him know what’s going on and then he could ask about it.
Even if I bring it up with the dr., dh can talk circles around everyone and will give every excuse in the book as to why it happens. And then I will face great hostility for having mentioned it to the dr.
Dad refused to wear disposable underwear. Mom finally had enough, so the next time Dad had an "oops" she handed him the cleaner and rags. He had to now clean up his own mess. After a few times doing the cleaning, he started to wear Depends. Problem solved.
Oh, turned out my Dad was lactose intolerant, which explained his lack of bowel control at his age. Changing to lactose free milk helped him a lot. But trying to convince my Mom was another story that Dad could no longer have cottage cheese, regular cheese, ice cream, vogurt, anything dairy. She's from the old school that a "little bit" won't hurt.... (rolling eyes).
Good luck trying to convince HIM Depends are a necessity, however. I can't imagine him getting angry at you for gagging! I'd never step out in public again with this man, if it were me.
I think it's time for you to give dh a wake up call now. You've heard all about what he "won't hear of"......have you told HIM what YOU won't tolerate?
He’s crossed the line now to a whole ‘nother territory. I’m sorry.
Knowing it’s not his fault: 1) it’s disgusting 2) it’s OSHA violation 3) it’s biohazard 4) the public should not have to deal with this 5) absolutely not, no, do not do this again and I can’t believe you let it happen more than once. (I’m sorry to be harsh, but I think you have likely put up with so much that you have lost the plot on this)
The clubhouse and restaurant should have been shut down for a biological cleaning. I’m sorry, grannie, but you are complicit in this.
Can he go to AL for respite stay? And you can go on the trip alone, which you deserve. I read some of your posts and you deal with a lot.
Next time, take pictures. Show them to him when you tell him that THAT’S why he can’t go with you.
Have your son check on him. He owes you.
You CAN do this.
I would make it clear you will NOT go out in public again with him either. If he can drive himself around to restaurants, he can handle his own crap cleanup. You will need a new car soon at this rate!
Just say NO MORE, you can't deal with it again. You already have twice, that is enough. If it happens again, he cleans everything he did up, before he runs to a shower and leaves you cleaning it! He gets "mad" if you gag? Seriously?
You may need to make it crystal clear that If he starts this incontinence at home, he will be cleaning up after HIMSELF, no exceptions. Tell his PCP right in front of him that he refuses to admit he has become BOWEL incontinent and ask for a referral to a GI specialist. Tell the doctor he has had big "accidents" twice recently.
So sorry you are dealing with this terrible situation.
I have LOs that cannot admit to having incontience. They have disabilities, physical & cognitive, making this area of life problematic.
Whether you call it denial or lack of insight - that doesnt matter. The caregiver needs to deal with it.
Either with a backpack full of supplies as mentioned + True Grit! Or limiting public outings.
telehealth appointments where possible.
He stays home (with support) where he can manage better where possible.
Moves into staffed respite care if you need to leave town for a week.
Between your husbands significant cognitive issues , evident by the paranoia that you would do something behind his back , and his low BP which can cause O2 deficit to brain and/or make him pass out he should not be driving . Not even a golf cart . There was a story in the news about a child driving a golf cart in Florida and he hit and killed another child . The article said there are many injuries every year from golf cart accidents , I had no idea that was a big problem .
The other thing , he is not being cooperative . The gerontologist that diagnosed my very difficult mother with dementia told me when they are this difficult because they want to be in control of everything including what the family caregiver does , then they can not live with family anymore . The person has to be in a facility and taken care of by
NON FAMILY.
This is where you are at . Place your husband and go on a vacation
LOL
Did you mean to place this comment in another thread?
Low BP could cause fecal incontinence?
It's probably time to stop taking him to public places like restaurants. The other diners and the staff should not have to deal with someone "exploding" and stinking the whole place up. Really, they should not. It's time to start thinking about getting take-out from the favorite restaurants instead.
As for being in the hotel. You should make up what I always refer to as a 'HAZ-MAT' bag.
You get a nylon duffle bag. You pack it with one of those small, hospital basins they always have in the room. A bottle of cleaner ( I highly recommend Fabuloso. It smells great, it's cheap, and it cleans good), a couple of sponges, a roll of paper towels, some garbage bags, a plastic apron, some cleaning gloves, and a couple of face masks.
The Vicks under the nose does nothing except make a person gag more. I cleaned can, nasty bathrooms, and even worse portable commodes for 25 years. I always gagged because it's always gross. It never gets less gross. I used to spray my face masks with little a light scented colonge or spritz. That actually helped. The Vicks is just gross. My husband always used to get me face masks and a couple bottles of 'Amber Romance' cologne spritzer from Victoria's Secret for Valentine's Day. It worked.
You take this with you. You'll be able to handle any clean-ups you may have to do in the car or hotel.
Keep a bag in the car that has a change of clothes, diapers, gloves, masks, garbage bags, and the large wipes that are used for bathing bedbound invalids. They work great cleaning up "accidents" on the go.
I don't think you should take him to anymore restaurants though. Those days are past. You'll be all right going other places though. Just be prepared.
You mentioned a hotel trip? Take some bed liners/pads with you along with pull-ups. It is a biohazard as someone else mentioned here. You can get sick yourself from exposure to his feces if you haven't already. I really feel for you as having to deal with this and having to go through the financial processing of his estate, he might be needed for that so maybe this will be his last outing? I was embarrassed/ disgusted when I found my mothers soiled pull-ups on the floor of a public restroom, you can't see what he's leaving behind. Be careful of your stress level with all that's going on, your health matters too!
I think there is so much more to GG’s story.
She made her decision to stay in marriage and I don’t think it is dictated by financial dependence on her husband.
It sounds as though you have more problems in yourself than in his incontinence. Is there some way that you could get some counseling? On the phone to start with, perhaps. You should NOT be letting this man control you.
GG, I hope you’ll speak to your adult children, let them know you’re at your breaking point, if that’s where it now is, and make a plan with them to separate yourself from this awful life. If you’re not ready, I still wish you courage and peace
Any time you go ANYWHERE your Dh might have a blowout he should be wearing incontinence briefs. That should be a non- negotiable. The time for pandering to his 'wants' at the health consideration has passed.
The LAST TIME we took my FIL to lunch, he had a bowel blowout. It was all over the bench of the restaurant. I looked at FIL and he had this horribly embarrassed guilty look on his face. OF course, the smell hit immediately. I told DH to take his dad to the car and wait for me. (He did so, but did not put down the towels I carried for just this kind of event.)
I quietly got the oldest, most compassionate looking waitress and beckoned her over to the table, explained what had happened and asked for cleaning supplies. LUCKILY, we were seated at the back of the place and there were no clients near us. I was the 'poor soul' who had to clean up. I got some gloves from the waitress and while SHE was willing to help--I didn't let her. I cleaned and then disinfected the spot and threw all the towels away that I had used.
It was beyond horrible and to this day, I don't like to even think about it. I tipped the waitress $50 and left. Making sure the spot he's fouled was as clean as I could get it.
FIL was hugely embarrassed, and I kind of lit in to him. I told him he was going to start wearing depends whether he wanted to or not, I was so tired of taking him places and having to leave b/c he got 'sick'.
Worse still, he insisted on wearing thong style underwear. It was of no use as a 'barrier'. Even plain 'tidey whities' would have helped. A thong is a joke.
My DH sat in silence and later got angry with me for shaming his dad. I told him from now on, HE got to clean up all the accidents.
We so often wait until we're at critical mass before we deal with a problem.
And I hope you let the restaurant know what had happened! This is a serious health issue--and you left it for someone else to find and clean? Yuck.
When others are involved - a possible car or golf cart accident, or exposing others to the hazards of his blowouts - you are making choices that can very negatively affect others. It's not the same ball game.