My husband was always a large guy, but after a surgery, when he stopped taking his water pill, he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Since then, his sleep apnea, arthritis, enlarged heart, mild narcolepsy, and diabetes have really kicked up. During the pandemic, he came down with sepsis to the point he was in a medically induced coma for two and half weeks. Since then, it has been one thing after another. He is in the hospital now with sores on his right leg, sepsis, MARS, and overall weakness. I try to see him daily and talk a few times on the phone. He has accused me when he is frustrated of not wanting him home ( I need him to be able to transfer himself and move around some), telling the nurses half-truths, and only marrying him to be a sperm donor ( we have two kids and have been married for 26 years). I still work full-time as a teacher, and he works full-time from home. I am tired. I can't rely on him for anything anymore. He used to run some errands when he could still drive, do some light chores in the house, and cook a couple of meals when I had extra outside chores or work from school. He was down to sweeping the floors in March, but nothing since due to his illnesses. I know he is tired and depressed- so am I at times. This does not mesh well with my age, arthritis, and autism. We moved last year to a new home built to accommodate his needs using a wheelchair and my need to garden. I am just burnt out this summer. He was in the hospital last summer, too. I guess my question is, what can I do to keep from feeling depressed and help him more? I do get outside daily due to my gardening; I do crafts, read, and watch TV, but I am not much of a social butterfly. I am already receiving counseling due to him and my job. I have our 19-year-old son to help some- he is an angel. Thoughts? If anything, thanks for listening.
I have been debilitated for 17 months now after cancer treatment wreaked havoc on my central nervous system. My husband has been my caregiver this whole time. I've come up with the ideas I gave you to lighten HIS load. Except I'm the one taking antidepressants to deal with life now. Spend the money to make your life a bit easier. Don't take any verbal abuse from dh and chalk it off to him being sick and blah blah. Without you, where would he be? You are his lifeline as my dh is mine. I never verbally abuse him but thank him for all he does. Your dh should be doing the same.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
The important thing for you to do is to make sure that you are getting the help you need around the house, even if you have to hire folks, and that you're doing things that you enjoy to keep your spirits up so you can continue on this very difficult journey with your husband.
I know it's hard. My late husband had a massive stroke a year and a half after we were married at the age of 48,(I was 36) and I cared for him until his death at the age of 72.
He too had many health issues stemming from his stroke and was in and out of the hospital many times over the years. What often got me through was the thought that if the tables were turned and it was me that had had the stroke, I liked to think that my husband would be doing for me what I was doing for him, and that made things a little easier.
I also reminded myself why I had married him in the first place, and the true love that we shared, as he was the very first man to truly love me just as I was. And coming from a very dysfunctional background, that was huge to me.
So please don't lose focus of the reason that you married your husband as it can help keep things in perspective.
Also try to find a caregiver support group in your city that you can attend, as that can be a life saver. Just being able to share with others that are going through similar things and to be able to be honest with your feelings with others that truly understand can be life changing.
I also found great strength from God, going to church, and from those in my church who walked along side me in the hard times.
I hope and pray that you too have all that.
I am here to tell you that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way(by the grace of God)and that you will come out at the end a much stronger, more compassionate and empathic person.
Hang in there, and don't be afraid to ask for and hire whatever help you need.
God bless you.
I am so sorry, this has to be horriblely hard , for all of you. You can't possibly bring you husband home with his health issues until he is more mobile.
I am also wondering if your husband has some dementia going on from all his health issues. There is a lot of health issues there that he has that effect his brain health.
As for your burnout, I was like you doing all the right things for my mental health but still lost it. My advantage is, that I take care of my mom and I have been able to get my mental health back on track.
But your not the only one that does everything they say to do and still hitting bottom.
You need help, your not helping your son or husband without taking care of yourself. Your son exspecially needs you to be healthy, his dad is not so it's even more important now for you to take care of you.
I hope we can help you. Best of luck 🙏💓😔
I took my mom to every store or errands I went on for 3 plus years. If I didn't have her with me I was getting something for her.
When I new I needed help with depression, and put my mind to the fact that I can't do it all. I went to Kohl's, Everytime I saw something that mom would like, I told myself, NO, this shopping trip was for ME and me only. Then I drove past her house and went home.
You need to find something that makes you feel free!! And put everything else out of your head
I'm sorry for everything you're experiencing. I'm also a teacher who has now got arthritis added to my existing joint issues. The job's difficult enough without adding a physical problem to the weight of planning, marking and admin. All that's enough without the extra chores you are having to do.
Outsource anything you can that's feasible. I get my shopping delivered so that I don't have to carry heavy bags any further than from the front door to the kitchen. I buy frozen veg that doesn't need to be prepped and chopped, along with fresh veg that's easier to prepare.
Cleaning, other than daily necessities like washing up, is done on a rota. I am having to let go of 'perfect' and replacing it with 'good enough'.
I use a couple of stamps for classroom marking - 'what went well; even better if; next step' and "verbal feedback given". Then I tell the student to write in their own words what I just told them. I can't always bend over at the desk and sometimes my hands are too painful and swollen. It has the added benefit of the student remembering what they have written better than if I had written it.
Sorry if this is like 'teaching your grandmother to suck eggs'! But, you never know which thing will be new to someone else.
I don't suppose there's a definitive bit of advice to help you. It's your relationship and your life. I hope that getting it off your chest and feeling understood helps.
I think that's something you could try with your husband - showing understanding, even when he's being unreasonable.
By this I mean practicing holding in your anger or hurt when he says things like, "you don't want me to come home". Instead, you could try acknowledging how he's feeling. Something like, "I can see how you might feel like I don't want you to come home (mirroring his words). It must feel like home and family are so far away when you're stuck here. That's why I visit you whenever I can. I can't wait until you are up on your feet again and home with me."
If you argue with him, telling him he's wrong, of course you want him home, then you'll put yourself in an opposition role and he'll more likely fight against you and not listen to reason.
If you show that you understand him first, you'll put yourself on his side (even though it's saying something negative) and you may have a better chance of him listening to your reasonable version of reality.
Wishing you all the best.