My dad is 89 years old and has survived/surviving 2 unrelated cancers. But old age or maybe the second cancer is getting him now. He has mild dementia, memory is spotty but not horrible. I guess I say dementia because of the mood changes although he hasn’t been officially diagnosed. He gets angry and cries sometimes and typical of older generation dads, I’ve never seen him cry before. But he can barely eat and he’s down to 95 lbs at 5’7” (5’8” in his younger days). He has mobility issues but he’s deathly afraid of dying so he tries to walk 2x a day (with my mom and walker for 20 min). He also stomps around his room a lot saying if he doesn’t that he will die. The neighbors below are very irritated. If he’s not stomping around, he just sits listening to music and sometimes crying. Starting yesterday, he’s having more difficulty eating and walking and even stomping. So he’s been crying a lot more. He’s lived a long life and despite the cancer, a relatively healthy life. He takes no other meds than targeted meds for the cancer. He has my mom still by his side taking care of him and I visit everyday as well as the grandkids. My brother also visits as often as he can. I know his time might be near and that he doesn’t want to go. But this seems such a horrible way to go, so fearful and miserable. How do you help someone find peace with the inevitable? Is it even possible? I wish when he’s time came that he can go in peace and not so tormented. Any advice? Unfortunately he’s not a believer, and so please don’t suggest anything religious, my mom has already tried.
The goal is to help him realize that he leaves this world, and his family and friends, better for his having been close to them and influenced them positively.
"Chemo brain is a sort of mental fog that affects a patient's overall cognitive function. Symptoms are subtle and often go unnoticed by loved ones. Chemo brain symptoms include: Mild forgetfulness. Word-finding difficulties (searching for a word that's on the tip of the tongue)"
I too think Hospice should be considered. Just be aware, though, if done in the home the family does most of the care. A Nurse and aide are there about 3x a week. You maybe able to request an aide more often. Your Dad may be taken off his Chemo drugs. He will be given Morphine to help with the pain.
Perhaps look into putting him in Hospice. I don't know that much about it but it could help him.
People have different reactions to the vagaries of age and illness. So many things figure into it. It is a difficult time of life to negotiate and we negotiate it at our weakest. Those who are gentle and accepting often assume a this veil of satisfaction to comfort families. That is to say while they deal with every single disability from loss of mobility to loss of continence and finally loss of mind they "put a good face on it". Others rale against the end; some become depressed, and that can manifest as depression.
Dad apparently isn't going to provide you comfort and feels little comfort himself in the coming inevitability. If care is getting now too difficult for him you will just have to live with that and suffer through.
As a nurse I have seen many patients die. Bunny suggests that religion is the only answer here, and I would like to assure her that atheists and christians die alike. And often, in the deaths of young children, religious families suffer more than atheists as they "rale against a god " they have come to see as punishing and unfair. No amount of "a better place" or "God knows the reason" can comfort them. Atheists understand sometimes that to be human is to suffer and we all will come to it. Some have comfort, and some do not. Some are accepting and tired of life. Some are not. And religion doesn't in what I have witnessed have much to do with it.
For myself, as an atheist, I have zero "fear" of death, have had a wonderful and satisfying life, and don't fear death (tho I do fear pain), nor did my parents who were lucky to live to their 90s with few illnesses before their deaths. Their attitudes were that they had been so lucky as to bud, to blossom, and to have had good lives; they were tired, and ready for what my Dad called the endless nap (the man loved his naps).
Now is not the time to burden people already burdened with age and death with admonitions about whatever god one believes in, in my humble opinion. If, on the other hand, your Dad has a faith that COMFORTS him, I hope you will see to it he has good access to his spiritual counselors. Unless he speaks of death, do not bring up the subject. If he DOES wish to speak of it, follow his lead, assure him you will be with him, and keep him safe and as pain free as you can, and that you will carry his love with you throughout your life.
I sure wish you good luck. I have seen people come to death with the same variety of feelings they approached their lives with. I wish your Dad and family comfort.
It is wonderful that you have good family support. When Dad complains simply tell him you are sorry you cannot fix everything for him, that it hurts you to see him hurting, and ask him what you might do to help him.
Do know that hospice can provide much help of all kinds, including spiritual if it is wanted.
It is sad. Try cheering him up.
Let him talk with a Hospice Pastor.
Maybe have your pastor come visit too.
Soutdated like he is depressed.
Let him know that we all die and he beat Cancer's butt before and he can do it again.
Try giving him a couple Ensure Meal Supplement drinks ever day.
Fix or but him Malts or Shakes.
A lot of older people start having problems swallowing like my Dad, he's 97 and I have the Caregivers give him mashed food or soft foods.
He eats bananas sliced thin, he eats avocados all mashed up in a little apple sauce, yougurt, sweet potatoesmashed, regular potatoes mashed with gravy, Vienna Sausages, boiled eggs, apple sauce, juices, milk, Oatmeal, peanut butter crackers, Little Debbie mini muffins, mashed beans, corn bread
Seniors also loose their taste and they really like sweet things.
Prayers
Tare him out on outings, to the beach, zoo, park for a pic nic
Then they moved him into hospice. She said she wished they had moved him a lot sooner because at once, he was peaceful, and the staff there were amazing. There will probably some kind of med involved to help him settle, but if he’s dying, do hospice. The staff there cares not just for the dying, but for the family as well.