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Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Dolly: Thank you. My late mother left us no choice. I had many relatives and friends who said "How on earth can you do that?" Well, the answer was that my mother gave me no choice. At the end of my caregiving, I was under so much stress that I actually swallowed a LIVE hearing aide battery (number 13 size) as I was getting ready to take my night-time medicines. That was scary at first, but then when I called the battery company toll free #, they assured me that I would be fine. However, this company had a plan to periodically check on me - 10 days out, 30 days out, 3 months out, 6 months out and one year out. I was okay! Phew! I will pray for resolution to you with your mother. That sounds like my mother. So hard. My mother gave me what I like to call "The you wait and see story." My response to her was "I won't be putting MY daughter through this."
Paul: My late mother left me no choice. She had severe Wet Macular Degeneration (legally blind classification), Congestive Heart Failure, A-Fib, Arthritis, incontinent (I thought it was just of urine, but I found out the hard way it was the other, too and I had to dance as while cleaning up the loo to use it myself), and EXTREMELY low BP - 60 over 40. It was the later that made us make a split second decision that I would have to live there with her in her house because "she was so happy she stayed in her own home." I said - "Well, I'm not because you've given me no choice but to leave my Maryland home and move in with you in your Massachusetts home." We quarreled as she was a sugar coater all the way. Before I arrived, she took the town's van service (thank God for that) to go to the doctor - doctor says - "what is the problem, Norma?" My mother's response - "Oh, nothing." I told her that she must speak up - especially to the medical professional!!!!! Good grief! A wasted trip. And so I am a factual person, we clashed a lot. But we got through it. I wasn't leaving my husband forever - you know that, right? But as my one sibling has a law practice in California, I was the only choice as my 45-year full-time career had long since been completed. So Yes, I was an elder myself - caring for someone (my mother) who failed to make any decision into old age living accommodations. And in no way did I want to leave my husband temporarily. We had tried to find out what we could do for my long-since-widowed mother (my dad died of cardiac arrest suddenly at age 50) and my mom was 94. We suggested and took the time to visited an AL here in Maryland where my son-in-law's grandmother lived, knowing that this lady and mother were similar in traits. We toured the facility (my son-in-law knew it well, but husband and I did not.) We snapped 50 to 60 photos of it and my mother gives to our son-in-law's mother the photos! I said "No, No, No - she knows the place." Reverse mortgage - filled out paperwork (extensive) notarized within a 24-hour turn around and that plan fell through. Everything we tried fell through at the virtual eleventh hour! Even the NH she was at held at family meeting and my brother finally arrived from the West Coast. The NH says "Ma'am, you're too well to stay here." (Insert we thought she would be going to the long term care unit of same NH. Oh no - they were wrong! DEAD WRONG - less than 48 hours later my mother suffered an ischemic stroke and died at the hospital several days later!!!! I often wanted my brother to file a lawsuit against said Nursing Home. So far we did not.
You are very compassionate person, giving up your life with your husband for her. Me, I could never do that, she would have to move into AL and sell her four walls. My mother is pulling the same thing, she is 94 and lives by herself, refuses to move, so my brother and I just sit and wait...something will happen, we just don't know when.
Im pretty lucky with my Dad by way of his understanding that we have our life. My husband is a very kind, selfless and understanding man. and reading some of these stories on this forum. I know a lot of you aren't as fortunate. Dad is still able to drive, though not at night. He is very intent on his religion, but if it helps him and keeps him happy, I'm happy. He's just grateful that we come to visit and doesn't demand our attention constantly, but we are more than happy to help. My sister lives too far away to help. and my brother does sweet F A.
Glad to see you've got an understanding Dad and a good husband.
My wife is good. Shes put up with loads with my Dad. Not sure if I'd be so calm if it was her mother to be honest. She has now lost patience though and I can't blame her.
Dad does not give a monkeys about me or my family. Its all about him. Hes awful if I'm honest. If I let him, I'd be divorced by now....
Some days I wish I lived in another country so he couldn't call me and demand I do his shopping. Alas, I live 30-40 mins drive away - close enough that he can expect to click his fingers, far enough that its a chunk of the day to visit.
Only through respite will both work. Also the power of prayer will get you through. It did me. I had to leave my husband and move away - where my mother demanded to live alone in another state 7 states away from my own - until it was evident that she could no longer LIVE ALONE!
Unless both spouses have 'caregiver' hearts and minds, there is no real balance. If patient is not really kind to the spouse, it will create problems no matter how much the spouse tries to do.
If finances allow, use the patient's money to pay for things they need - in home care, household chores, etc. When you jump in with both feet, it will be much harder to give the tasks you do to someone else because patient has already seen you do them, assumes you had/have time to do them, and (most) are saving their money for 'old age' and want to hang on to it.
If you cannot make a decision to put mom in a facility, you probably already know how the marriage is going to go if you continue in caregiver role. It's a decision you may have to make. If your marriage is strong and won't allow for time caretaking, the other decision is facility. Hard spot to be in, but your decision to make. If you happen to be in a bad marriage anyway, this could be your out.
Having already gone through this, I have read all the replies. Excellent. I love what you said 2cents about them wanting to save for their old age!! My husbands grandmother used to tell us what the 'little old ladies' were talking about. The gossip! He and I laughed b/c we were in our late 20's and Grandma was the same age or older than the "Old Ladies". She just did not feel old, which I guess is good, to a point!! 40 years later, I know how easy it is to deny we are aging. some days. Other days not so hard!! You all have a great summer!
I think the more help you give, the more help is expected. You must set clear boundaries for yourself so that you can meet the needs of your family and keep your sanity! Remember that our elderly parents don't have much to do but sit and think (stew?!) about things - they forget the days of spouses, kids, work, home upkeep... My husband has been wonderful at helping me with this; I will say things like, "I am going (for a run, cleaning the house, running errands, doing homework with the kids,etc.) right now so I will not be able to respond to your texts; I will touch base with you when I'm done - in about an hour or so." Then I set my phone on do not disturb and give myself that period of time to myself or to accomplish a task. Do not feel badly about carving out space for your and the family's needs. I've had to plainly say "I have a lot of responsibilities and am doing the very best I can."
Oh, PS - in terms of money I have the opposite situation - I have to manage finances yet money is being spent like crazy. When I ask about, say, a big purchase, I'm met with animosity for "being bossy with MY money." I can come home to carpenters giving estimates on home remodeling - I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how stressful it is to sit down to pay the monthly bills and fear what you're going to find...I get a big stomach ache every time.
Liz - definitely. If my Dad could swing it he'd sit in his chair and let people feed him if he could get away with it. Hes is good shape for 84 but you'd swear he was bedbound the way he goes on.
Yep I've had the "responsibilities" talk MANY times. In one ear and out the other. Hes even said "well you need to put me first". What do I say to that? lol.
Yes Im the opposite. Hes got about £35-£40K in the bank. Hes NEVER going to spend it EVER. But he won't even spend a few pounds to make like easier for himself.
He moaned about not being able to carry battery for his mobility scooter upstairs (it is heavy) so I said I'd get electrician in to fit outside plug. He almost had a heart attack at the thought - anyone would have thought I'd suggested getting a team of naked strippers to paint the inside of his house with gold leaf paint.
It is hard, even when you aren’t a “hands on” caregiver & live 5 min. from the aging parent! When my mom was getting in very bad shape, but refused to spend any of her money paying someone to help her, I was the one expected to do most everything. I didn’t work, lived 5 min. away. However I was homeschooling three kids. Trust me, if you take that seriously, you can’t just be at someone’s beck & call! Mom never ever fell at a convenient time, sometimes multiple times a day. And a Dr. appointment an hour away in a large hospital takes half a day! And then all the “little things” she needed help with!
My kids were suffering, hot dinners weren’t ready when my hubs came home from work & Mom still needed more help.
My husband NEVER complained, but one day I realized I was essentially being home for my mom INSTEAD of my husband & kids. I backed off a lot, only doing Dr. appointments (numerous) & shopping for her once a week. She couldn’t believe that “I wouldn’t come help her” and “how could I do her like that”.
Ummm you only have one mom and your hubby didn’t know how to help cook meals and I don’t think he would of died with not having a hot meal hun sometimes But remember she did give you life and love you !! make it sound like she was a burnden for you to even help her
I've been through this. Got a daughter 6 years old, teenager with Aspergers and wife who has long term illness.
Dad pushed it and pushed it to get what he wanted. In the end, he spouted out "yes but everyone needs to understand I need you're help and you've got to put me first".
At this point I realised he did not give a monkeys about me, my kids or my marriage. Even when I tried to explain to him his answer was "You need to tell them how its going to be. Have a word with that wife of yours and tell her hard luck this is how it is". (I didn't do that - I now know why hes been divorced twice and I've been married 23 years).
I would have ended up divorced if I'd carried on to be honest. Wife can't stand him these days (and shes got a very good point) but its all his own doing I'm afraid.
Paul my FIL is the same way about me that your dad is about your wife. If I answer the phone while hubs is out, and he doesn't call back,, I didn't give him the message. If something he wants done ( like potty seat put on at the river) its my fault. I headed him off last time, about the seat.. Told him I told hubs.. Then I told him I am not my husbands boss.. he got in my face and yelled "The hell your not"! So I feel for your wife..
I firmly believe that as adults, the hierarchy of our obligation is first to our minor children and spouses. Providing hands on care for our parents is a CHOICE not an obligation.
Call your local Area Aging on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment and help with figuring out her how to pay for her care. Remember, HER resources are what pay for HER care.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
And in no way did I want to leave my husband temporarily. We had tried to find out what we could do for my long-since-widowed mother (my dad died of cardiac arrest suddenly at age 50) and my mom was 94. We suggested and took the time to visited an AL here in Maryland where my son-in-law's grandmother lived, knowing that this lady and mother were similar in traits. We toured the facility (my son-in-law knew it well, but husband and I did not.) We snapped 50 to 60 photos of it and my mother gives to our son-in-law's mother the photos! I said "No, No, No - she knows the place." Reverse mortgage - filled out paperwork (extensive) notarized within a 24-hour turn around and that plan fell through. Everything we tried fell through at the virtual eleventh hour! Even the NH she was at held at family meeting and my brother finally arrived from the West Coast. The NH says "Ma'am, you're too well to stay here." (Insert we thought she would be going to the long term care unit of same NH. Oh no - they were wrong! DEAD WRONG - less than 48 hours later my mother suffered an ischemic stroke and died at the hospital several days later!!!! I often wanted my brother to file a lawsuit against said Nursing Home. So far we did not.
Dad is still able to drive, though not at night. He is very intent on his religion, but if it helps him and keeps him happy, I'm happy. He's just grateful that we come to visit and doesn't demand our attention constantly, but we are more than happy to help. My sister lives too far away to help. and my brother does sweet F A.
My wife is good. Shes put up with loads with my Dad. Not sure if I'd be so calm if it was her mother to be honest. She has now lost patience though and I can't blame her.
Dad does not give a monkeys about me or my family. Its all about him. Hes awful if I'm honest. If I let him, I'd be divorced by now....
Some days I wish I lived in another country so he couldn't call me and demand I do his shopping. Alas, I live 30-40 mins drive away - close enough that he can expect to click his fingers, far enough that its a chunk of the day to visit.
Out of interest would you have left your husband anyway or did you just do this for your mother? How did husband take this?
I'm glad the power of prayer worked for you. Unfortunately, not all of us are that was inclined.
If finances allow, use the patient's money to pay for things they need - in home care, household chores, etc. When you jump in with both feet, it will be much harder to give the tasks you do to someone else because patient has already seen you do them, assumes you had/have time to do them, and (most) are saving their money for 'old age' and want to hang on to it.
If you cannot make a decision to put mom in a facility, you probably already know how the marriage is going to go if you continue in caregiver role. It's a decision you may have to make. If your marriage is strong and won't allow for time caretaking, the other decision is facility. Hard spot to be in, but your decision to make. If you happen to be in a bad marriage anyway, this could be your out.
save for their old age!! My husbands grandmother used to tell us what the 'little old ladies' were talking about. The gossip! He and I laughed b/c we were in our late 20's and Grandma was the same age or older than the "Old Ladies". She just did not feel old, which I guess is good, to a point!! 40 years later, I know how easy it is to deny we are aging. some days. Other days not so hard!! You all have a great summer!
My DH insisted that I tend to my father's needs. I was blessed.
Oh, PS - in terms of money I have the opposite situation - I have to manage finances yet money is being spent like crazy. When I ask about, say, a big purchase, I'm met with animosity for "being bossy with MY money." I can come home to carpenters giving estimates on home remodeling - I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how stressful it is to sit down to pay the monthly bills and fear what you're going to find...I get a big stomach ache every time.
Yep I've had the "responsibilities" talk MANY times. In one ear and out the other. Hes even said "well you need to put me first". What do I say to that? lol.
Yes Im the opposite. Hes got about £35-£40K in the bank. Hes NEVER going to spend it EVER. But he won't even spend a few pounds to make like easier for himself.
He moaned about not being able to carry battery for his mobility scooter upstairs (it is heavy) so I said I'd get electrician in to fit outside plug. He almost had a heart attack at the thought - anyone would have thought I'd suggested getting a team of naked strippers to paint the inside of his house with gold leaf paint.
My kids were suffering, hot dinners weren’t ready when my hubs came home from work & Mom still needed more help.
My husband NEVER complained, but one day I realized I was essentially being home for my mom INSTEAD of my husband & kids. I backed off a lot, only doing Dr. appointments (numerous) & shopping for her once a week. She couldn’t believe that “I wouldn’t come help her” and “how could I do her like that”.
I've been through this. Got a daughter 6 years old, teenager with Aspergers and wife who has long term illness.
Dad pushed it and pushed it to get what he wanted. In the end, he spouted out "yes but everyone needs to understand I need you're help and you've got to put me first".
At this point I realised he did not give a monkeys about me, my kids or my marriage. Even when I tried to explain to him his answer was "You need to tell them how its going to be. Have a word with that wife of yours and tell her hard luck this is how it is". (I didn't do that - I now know why hes been divorced twice and I've been married 23 years).
I would have ended up divorced if I'd carried on to be honest. Wife can't stand him these days (and shes got a very good point) but its all his own doing I'm afraid.
Call your local Area Aging on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment and help with figuring out her how to pay for her care. Remember, HER resources are what pay for HER care.
My resources especially time are there for his benefit...