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When I visited my FIL in hospital towards the end, I held his hand and read him the poetry he learned in school as a child. ‘The Man from Snowy River’. It was a 6 bed ward, in the repat hospital for old men from the last war, and I found that you could hear a pin drop as the other old men strained to listen. I recited a bit louder when I found I wasn’t disturbing them, just the opposite. Different from conversation, but easier sometimes.
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My mom likes to talk about most things from her past - her childhood, teen years, my dad (who divorced her on their 45th wedding anniversary but she doesn't seem to remember that and I NEVER mention it). We talk about the places we lived as a family, her job as an art teacher. I always try to make her laugh about events from her past!

I never correct her but rather redirect her. I was her least favorite child (of three) but she doesn't seem to remember that either ;)
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JennaRose Aug 10, 2024
My mom also liked to talk about her past, mostly her childhood years into her 20's. Since I wasn't around then I would ask her questions as I was honestly interested. Sometimes she thought I was her sister or mother so I let her think that.

My mom also loves music and sometimes she would shock me with the choices she asked Alexa to play (many bands or singers I have never heard of).
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Well, it was very difficult to talk to my mother because all she did was complain. About who she hated (She lived in Memory Care), who was bothering her, how nobody ever called or came to visit (not true), how the food was horrible, how the relatives ignored her, how life sucked, etc etc. I tried to find neutral subjects to talk about, like the weather or a tv show she liked. Like JustShootMe said, when dad was alive, all she ever spoke about was how terrible he was, how useless, how he was faking his pain and ailments.....in spite of him having a brain tumor and cancer and being wheelchair bound! I think she was shocked and annoyed when he had the nerve to actually die. Sigh.

Relax into the moment is truly a laughable suggestion, because with dementia, the word "relax" doesn't exist for a large majority of elders or visitors.

At one point, my mother decided she didnt want ANY of her photos or photo albums. They were all useless and she asked me to throw them out. I took them home and they're with my photo albums now. So looking at photos was not a thing to do with the woman either 🙄

All I could do was listen to complaining and gossip about others until it was time to leave. As moms dementia worsened and she could no longer understand language very well, things improved a bit from a complaining standpoint. But she'd start yelling WHAT? constantly and I'd have to speak louder and louder to be heard, and then she'd say, "why are you screaming at me, I'm not deaf?"

Communication with an elder can be VERY VERY difficult and I sympathize with everyone going thru this. ShellyF, just do the best you can and consider yourself ahead of the game if mom is not causing a pit to form in your stomach every time you visit.

Best of luck to you.
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cxmoody Aug 10, 2024
This. Yes.

I have NEVER had luck with any of the usual suggestions about “activities” or looking through photo albums or “reminiscing”.
My mother is angry at her situation. Can’t remember most anything-even things in the past.
Crabby, critical and curmudgeonly.
Visits are torture for both of us.
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Just follow her lead. If she doesn't wish to talk a whole lot, then don't. If she wants to talk she will suggest about what. Don't argue or right fight. Just listen for the most part. Watch some Teepa Snow videos. They should be helpful.

For my own brother, he was in early stages of his Lewy's and he wanted to talk about it. He was aware of the prognosis and was aware he saw the world differently. He wanted to speak about how real his hallucinations were, and describe them. He died (luckily) before Lewy's could do its worst. I learned so much from him. We negotiated things together and clung together as always we did in times of problems. Again, I learned so much.
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I visited my mom after I placed her in an ALF. I would push her wheel chair to the garden. I started giving names to squirrels, lizards (we are in Florida). I even named the trees she loved. It became a request to go visit “lizzy”, “Charlie” and “buster”.

I know it sounds elementary but, after all, it is about giving them pleasure and happiness. If we did not see one of them, she would ask me, “ I wonder where lizzy is today”.

I tried to live in her reality rather than trying to force her into mine. You can only look at photos so many times. The photos would remind her of how much she had forgotten.
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MiaMoor Aug 10, 2024
"The photos would remind her of how much she had forgotten."

I agree. I decided to not show Mum photos when I learned that she felt distressed when she was aware that she couldn't remember things, especially if she felt she should know. I didn't want to upset her by showing her pictures of people and places she couldn't remember properly.
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My husband had the idea of telling his (Alzheimers) Mother stories from her life - she remembers nothing - but he makes her bigger than life in every story. She is the one who "saved the day," she is the one who had the funny take on the situation, she is the one who took the more interesting path, she is the one who knew the perfect thing to do in a tight spot, she came up with the funny prank, she knew best how to deal with a situation with the kids, she had the most fun on vacations, etc. She loves hearing of herself in such a positive light. It doesn't have to be the truth, it doesn't matter if it is the truth. It is just "telling a story" that she in fact does want to hear. Their visits are very positive, even if she isn't sure who he is.
NH living
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I bring objects, show her pictures on my device, look up funny animal videos on YouTube (on a tablet or larger), bring in an old photo album and go through the pictures together (she may or may not remember the people so this depends on your person), etc.

Depending on how advanced your Mom is, it may not be really possible to have conversations anymore.

Since she's at home, and if she's able, have her do "purposeful tasks" like folding a large number of kitchen towels, sorting things, etc.

Your profile says she lives with you and you work full time. Does this mean you need to leave her alone for any length of time? If so, how are you managing this?

More info would be helpful.
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I did not do well with this. I followed Moms lead but she made no sense. I would answer and then get that "look", like I was nuts, because she was now on a different subject. So I just let her ramble on. One day, though, she said " I don't think anyone is listening to me".

My daughter was the one who could talk to her. Moms eyes lit up when she entered the room. She would come to do her wash then sit on Moms bed. Mom would talk and daughter would say "oh yeh" "great" maybe talk about her day. Then when she shevwas leaving give Mom a hug and kiss and tell hervshe was going to work, which Mom accepted. We never said "going home".
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i just comment on what I’m doing… my mom likes to stand next to me when I’m cooking. However all she wants to talk about is my dad. How difficult he is, how annoying, etc, often not making sense. Around my dad, she just mutters insults and curses at him all day. She’s the one with Alzheimer’s, and he CAN be difficult but she does this all day regardless of the situation. So conversations are limited.
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MiaMoor Aug 10, 2024
That must be very sad for you, and your dad. :(
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Well, I believe some of this is intuitive or instinctual.
One needs to be PRESENT with what is while being 'on' to communicate.

I wouldn't be stiff about it.
If you are uncomfortable - feeling a need to think of things to talk about - do not talk, simply smile and hold her hand.

Silence is golden is a phrase for a reason.

Some of the most 'important' communication is non-verbal.

Since she has dementia, she likely won't 'really' care what you talk about. What will matter - affect her more are non-verbal cues: facial expressions, tone of voice, touch.

You could talk about your day ahead or your plans for the rest of the day.
I doubt it will matter much to her what you talk about.

WHAT MATTERS TO HER is that you are there, caring for her, loving her.

Relax into these moments. Look her in the eye and smile.
Perhaps brush her hair ?
Massage her hands ?
Give her a manicure ?

If you feel it would support you, bring magazines and talk about the pictures/photographs. Birds, 'cute' animals - flowers - whatever she might have been interested in prior to dementia. Just be aware that her changing brain could 'see' a 'cute' monkey or elephant as a scary animal. We do not know how she might interpret what she sees visually.

I'd recommend you relax and just talk about yourself, your memories of her, your day, how you appreciate and love her. She'll get it.

Gena / Touch Matters
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