My 88 year old mother with dementia is in a memory care facility very close to
my house. Even if I go see her during the day, she calls me every night begging me to help her go home. If I don't answer the phone, she will call me over and over again. (one night it was over 25 times)
Does it get any easier?
My step-mother is in MC, the facility does not allow any phones in the rooms as patients would call 911 and do what you are experiencing.
Time to disconnect.
I used to turn my phone to vibrate in the evenings so I could get some rest when my mother lived in Memory Care AL. One phone call a day is plenty. Ativan helped her a LOT with all the anxiety she was suffering with the dementia.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”
https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
She will discuss lots of Do's and Don'ts and other tips (including the 'going home' mantra) in her booklet & other publications and you may get some good insight into dealing with your mom.
I know how hard all this is, truly. Dementia affects everyone in the family, not just our mothers. It's hard for US too, and we all suffer as a result. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
I placed my mother in Memory Care because she needed 24/7 care. She didn't want to be there, as 95% of elders don't want to be in such a position. So let's ALSO take their phone away, shall we, b/c it's "irritating" they're calling us a lot? Which also prevents them from calling their other family members or GETTING calls from friends and family members, too.
How about we give them some DIGNITY and some freedom, folks?
Just turn your phone off if you don't want calls, or on vibrate like I did.
And Joann is further advocating the staff not "allow" this OPs mother to MAKE any outgoing calls once her phone is taken away! Really? So now she's in prison? SMH. It's not funny Cover, its CRUEL imo.
When she moved to MC it was a relief that she no longer had a TV or phone. She doesn't follow shows. She exists here, now, coupled with past memories. I am surprised your LO has a phone in memory care. It doesn't add anything positive to their world and can be a real source of grief. The idea of keeping a link to outside is more for your comfort than theirs. Might be helpful to talk to CGs about it. They might set you at ease to remove it. I always say there is only one direction this illness goes. Some things will get easier as their cognitive function declines. But other problems arise.
For my sanity, I had to block her number. I had set up her phone years ago well before landing at the NH, with images of people tied to numbers so she could easily call those she spoke with most often (like 10 people). That easy functional aspect of making a call turned into the nightmare for me -- 25 calls in a row and all hours of the night situation; similar to what you are experiencing.
Again, just block her number. You can then set a time each day or whenever to listen to all the messages (pour a glass of wine and listen, delete, listen, delete).... OR in my case, I listen just once a week as the voice messages are basically all the same begging to "go home" or asking for something that no longer exists, or me to bring people (long gone from this world) to visit her. It is not going to change until, she looses the ability to "work the phone" but I won't take it from her, she likes to scroll through the pictures on the phone and some folks still will speak with her, like 5 min calls here and there that provide some comfort.
If there is a real emergency or need the facility will call you. And you can just tell her, leave a message and I have been having phone troubles. Trying to get it fixed. I did not tell mine that I had blocked her number, not sure she'd understand what that meant. I just said if I do not pick up, just leave a message as I am having phone issues......
Whenever I answered, I’d be ready with a reason why I wasn’t coming- “watching the grandchildren, waiting for the electrician, raining too hard to drive….”.
When I didn’t answer, she’d leave poignant messages, some of which still live in my phone’s memory.
My LO was in the process of being seen by an excellent psychiatrist during this time, and very small doses of medication coupled with sympathetic handling by her caregivers got her through this sad, all too common problem.
Yes turn YOUR phone off, let her battery run down and don’t replace it.
“Dignity” means doing painful things that have to be done for safety and comfort, and doing those painful things because you love the person you’re caring for. Sounds like you’re doing your best, SissyA05.
My mother is late stages dementia. I so I am dealing with a lot but she lives with me. When she was early stages I thought of assisted living facility but she declined rapidly mentally, I did not trust any of the facilities so I made the decision to bring her home with me.
Discuss specific incidents at specific times and dates with the director if necessary. Most states will investigate places, as will medicare, for serious patterns of lapses in care. This results are usually publicly available.The facilities worry about it. But keep that powder dry, and it might not provide quick or specific help for your Mom. Better for after you move her if no improvement.
I would talk to staff and get that phone removed. That is way to many times to be calling you. Why is the staff allowing that? My dad was in a nursing home, and they didn't have phones in their room. He called 1 time, and had to get staff help bc he didn't know my number.
Is staff helping her? She must have a great memory. I would get to the bottom of it right quick. That is way to many times. And it is extremely stressful.
Call them right away and say enough. They need to remove that phone or getting staff to keep dialing the phone. I'm surprised they would have time to do that.
Did you give her a phone? Then you need to take it away when she isn't looking, or delete the number out of it.
But either way you need to stop it. Don't feel guilty. That is way to many times to be calling.
I think it is very helpful for dementia people to know there is someone they can count on being there for them. It's difficult for them to trust the care givers, as they can't remember who the care givers are. Your mom will hopefully eventually stop wanting to go home. What I did was make up some stories about why my mom couldn't go home just yet. I learned to enjoy making up stories, since she never remembered the story I told her the day before. I told her once that her old tree fell down on her house and there were repairs to be done. She remembered the tree. It was true that her tree fell, but it actually fell on the neighbor's house. This tactic would get her mind working in other directions, as she liked to give advice on solving whatever problem I made up.
It's difficult for you and I know how frustrating it is. Hang in there and make sure the director of the facility knows what's happening. They might have suggestions or can divert her themselves.
1. I blocked his number as others have suggested. It's not cruel, it's survival. Calls go to my voicemail and I scan through them when I'm awake and can deal with it. It's not cruel -- it's survival.
2. I found out (on this forum) about a cell phone for people with memory problems (RAZ Memory Phone). You can Google it for more info. It's been a lifesaver. As the caretaker, you can set up her contacts, you can decide who is allowed to call her (if you want to), and you can set Quiet Hours, during which the caller gets a very friendly message that you are not available but will be excited to hear from you at a later time (something like that). Honestly, it's made all the difference in the world to us, and I wish I had known about it sooner.
Boundaries are not cruel, they are necessary for both you and your mom. Best of luck to you.
she has been left behind and is very anxious about it. We got calls every 5 minutes from my mother-in- law and it won’t get better on its own.
She has since passed away, and I still feel guilty... My brother tells me I need to move on, get past this....
Just know it's the best thing for her. She doesn't understand. It's so sad to see this and feel and hear this...
When you do see her, play music, give her the Ensure mixed with a milkshake, dance with her. Get a dimestore plastic ball, and hand the ball back and forth if she can.
She then moved in with her sister but that didn’t work and her nephew threatened to call the police to have her removed.
In assisted living, we gave her cards, pens, paper, envelopes, but we could tell she forgot how letters worked. She used too many stamps or it was odd. The letters were like the phone calls referred to in the above question.
She would only send the letters to her son when I as her daughter-in-law answered her. I finally wrote that her son (my husband) was throwing out her letters because he didn’t want to be bothered by the same old pleas and nasty comments she was sending his way.
Grace has a predisposition to being difficult. She initially called the nephew to pick her up from assisted living by using someone else’s phone. We asked him not to do it. He was the one who was going to call the police. Why pick her up? As time went on, the calls diminished when he didn’t do as she asked and her house was sold. She was told the house was sold and was angry. She wasn’t planning on returning since she thought it was haunted.