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I have been caring for my wife through all the stages of her dementia until this past week she was admitted to a hospital for evaluation to see if they could help her with agitation and delusions. Anyway her daughter has taken no interest to help or even call her regular in the past several years. She came to visit one time in 5 years and only lives 3 hours away. Now that her mother is in the hospital she is all of a sudden interested. Should I be impressed or tell her to but out that she does not need her now. We have been married 38 years and I am still obsessed(inlove) with my wife. We never had any problems until this journey with my wife started. By the way her son has not been to see her in 10 years. We even moved real close to them a couple of years ago and that did not help either so we moved back so she would be in a familiar place. I'm kinda at a loss for what to do.

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Good Evening,

The more, the merrier. Don't refuse any help. Usually upon discharge there's a lot of work to do afterwards--VNA, homecare and doctor's appointment follow-ups.

Swallow your pride. More than one person in the family can love your wife but in a different way. Maybe's she matured and is having 2nd thoughts. It's never too late. Leave the door open, you are going to need help. Some adults take a little longer to deliver, others may never.

Let her feel like she's helping and appreciated. She probably needs it for herself.

I think this is a positive thing for you. Every family is the same, but people's timing may not be what we would have expected.

Amen...
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Let her visit. I don't know what circumstances brought about the estrangement between your stepdaughter and wife, but I had issues with my mother and we were estranged for many years. At the end of her life, however, I was there for her, and it benefited both of us. We made peace and did some bonding. It brought us both comfort and healing.
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Your step-daughter has not seen your wife in 5 years. Did your wife have dementia then? I'm asking because your wife may not be of the same mind and such as she was before and your step-daughter is going to be very shocked unless someone explains to her what to expect with the agitation and delusions that your wife is having and in the hospital to get help with. Also, your step-daughter needs to understands that nothing her mom promises can be taken as fact given her dementia and reated deusions. In denial, your step-daughter may try to guilt trip you for her heath condition. I would not let her visit her mom unsupervised.
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Bolin1945: Let your step daughter visit.
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Let her help so that you get time to yourself. Her help
probably won’t last long.
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Dosmo13 Apr 2022
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Dear Bolin1945, most of the answers you received I agree with. If it were me I would sit down with the daughter at a public place and talk with her. Let her know all the good things her visits could do for her Mom. I would be generous and caring. But I would also let her know how much you love your wife and how protective you are. I would let her know how you have taken care of your wife especially since her diagnosis. Tell her (the daughter) to be very careful (think first) of what she says when she sees her Mom and not to upset her in any way. I would also ask her why now and see if there is anything in her answer that you can relate to or work with. But only do this if you have complete control over all the marital financial matters and all of your wife's health decisions and information. I would ask your wife if she would like to see her daughter if the opportunity ever arose. I would talk with a social worker at the hospital for their opinion. I would also inform your wife's doctor to see if he has an opinion. THEN, you can make an educated decision. During all of this if you have a gut reaction to anything I would definitely take that into consideration. It really bothers me that you and your wife moved close to them and they did not visit and I assume your wife never saw her children at Christmas or her birthday. If those statements are all true, I would be careful. For the sake of your wife, I would contact her son as well. Maybe something good can come of this and I really hope so. So very sorry you are dealing with all of this on top of the medical issues. Good luck!
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A lot depends on what the daughter is trying to do -take over, get money from you and the like. Presuming she seems to be trying to help deal with her mother, than let her - She can help give you an opportunity to get some relaxation and recovery time to help take care of yourself. Sometimes it just takes a shock seeing one's mother in real stressful times to realize that parents are mortal too and don't live forever.

We don't know what caused the lack of involvement nor what their relationship before the problems started, but I believe the best thing is to let her [your stepdaughter?] and mother reconnect as long as there is no disruption for her mother. You might also consider letting the son know what is going on and give him the opportunity to reconnect. If he chooses not to, than you will always know that you did all you could
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Don't be a part of the divide with mom/daughter or the son. Hospitalization may have made daughter realize mom won't be around forever. If there is one good piece of memory left with mom's broken brain, don't be the person who creates any havoc at this point. Whether or not they saw each other over the years can't be fixed at this point.

Love her as you have been for 38 years - you've been happy and assuming she felt the same about you...and happy. That is your relationship with her. Cherish it. Don't get involved or fret over her relationship with others.
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As long as your daughter has no say in financial matters, I don't see why she can't visit. But, you be the judge on whether it is a good fit or not. If your wife gets agitated, then, the answer is simple. If Mom wants to see here daughter and it keeps her calm, then, yes.
At this point, whatever keeps mother happy and calm is what you can do. But, at the end of the day, YOU make all decisions for her, nad obviously you care enough to ask. God bless you.
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Forgiveness and reconciliation rarely make for regret. I would imagine your wife will struggle to recognize her children now and that will be a difficult thing for them. They may blame you. Try to be gracious, for whatever reason, you have gotten the pleasure of her company for the past 38 years and they did not.
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imavent41 Apr 2022
Dealing with this. My life partner of 10 years died 2/14/22. He & his adult kids rarely communicated, but as his condition deteriorated, his daughter (she was a daddy’s girl growing up) insisted in a confrontational manner that she be part of his caregiving decisions. I had to tell her 3 times that I wasn’t arguing with her. She came to visit, & I had to force a key to our home on her - she literally backed away with her hands out like it was a hot potato.
“ I didn’t ask for this,” she said.
I said. “I know, But your dad & I are older, & you should have this in case something happens. My son has one too.”
She reluctantly took it.
My point was that I wasn’t hiding anything, but her reaction I think is typical of judgmental people, until a symbol of that judgement is removed, & they don’t know how to deal with it.
BTW, it didn’t quite stop her attitude.. When he died she said her dad was very traditional & didn’t approve of people living together. Her father & I didn’t marry b/c I’d lose my pension from my late husband & we’d take a financial hit. I don’t know how much “ living in sin” applies to 70+80 yr-olds. Lol.
Anyway, being gracious is not harmful. It can help.
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Nothing brings out family drama like terminal situations. My advice is to discuss proper care and ways to proceed with the professionals, and then give your wife's children the opportunity to help, if they wish, but only within those parameters. Be firm.
I have a son who's a major exhibitionist and likes to visit my husband in his memory facility, with his dog, and stroll among the other residents. And if I am unfortunate to get there when he is, he orders me around, insinuating that he is much more adept and loving than I, I guess. But when I asked him recently if he would supply one round of Depends and other supplies on a visit, he refuses. How do I react? Very depressed that I so badly raised this son, but accepting that at least he visits, and otherwise, try to ignore the not-so-veiled periodic stream of invective.

And this also has made me think ahead, so I have planned my own future care very thoroughly, with no reliance on him.
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Each family has it’s unique dynamics and decisions made in times of stress can not and should not be based on emotions instead of legal responsibilities and safety concerns.

Primary goal is safety not a last ditch attempt for emotional closure.
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I am sorry your wife is in hospital. Not knowing the entire story of why her children have stayed away, I can understand the weight of being there for everything day to day (bills, appts, med setup, getting home aides, bathing, cooking for, changing the diapers, cleaning up the accidents, washing the clothes, keeping them happy and content). Now that your wife is in the hospital….. you have nurses and staff that makes the everyday tasks a little easier. Then here comes Janet and Johnny come lately!

I can understand that frustration because the only help I have in taking care of my dad is my 22yr old daughter. My mom passed away 18yrs ago, my only sister passed away 22 years ago, her children and my dads family lived several states away, and the last time my 40yr old brother (who lives in same city as we do) came to visit my dad was Oct 2020….. and I paid him $100 to sit with him for 5 hrs while I ran errands…. He called me complaining! My dad was HEAVILY involved with church….a good family man…. The church members don’t even call \visit.

All of that to say, yes…. The kids may have stayed away all these years as some have commented because of your relationship with them…but if they loved their mother and realized she was with someone they didn’t care for, they should’ve BEEN involved years ago once they knew she had dementia. I do think of it as self serving when a person shows up years later and all of a sudden once the family member is hospitalized….. they want authority, say-so, got opinions…. whether it was because they didn’t want to be bothered with the day to day care, they are selfish, they are expecting a soon to be inheritance or they had a “come to Jesus” moment of guilt…. Johnny come lately should be treated as such.

I would let them visit their mother, but hopefully you are the health care proxy and the will is already set up. You have already done all of the hard work before your wife went into the hospital…. So you have every right to set up the boundaries!
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Maybe she knew you were looking after her and her mother had been well cared for and now she is in hospital she may be worried it is still her mum or maybe the real reason she didn’t visit her mother is she didn’t like her step father
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See if her daughter will help with aspects of her care that do not involve money or making decisions about her care. Her interest in helping in those tasks will help you determine how much you want/need her assistance.
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There is more to this story. No comment.
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
Obviously. There is ALWAYS more to every story; we only get a very small piece of a very large puzzle in these questions, that's for sure.
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I am a step daughter, his daughter, her daughter but, never treated by either step parent as their daughter.

It makes it very hard to be in a relationship with your own parent when their spouse has their face in every conversation, takes every comment as an insult or jab. So, I can relate to your wife's children.

I can imagine telling one of my parents spouse's, you don't need to visit tonight, (thinking, I am giving them a chance to get a good night's sleep because they must be exhausted and I am here) being taken as a control issue and them cutting me off from getting the facts from the hospital.

That you use the term obsessed and think it means in love, concerns me and actually answers why her children steer clear.

I never interfered with my parents choices but, I guarantee you, had their spouse's led me to feel cut out when one of them was laying in a hospital bed, I would have moved heaven and earth to protect my parent and I would have done everything in my power to ensure the controlling spouse was no longer able to isolate my parent if they were no longer mentally capable of deciding for themselves.

One thing I know for a fact, parents have to work really hard to drive their children away, standing up for a spouse that is less then ideal, being extremely nice with that wording, can do this.

If you truly love your wife, stop alienating her children that she loves.
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Christine44 Apr 2022
It's too bad that your answer comes up first here, because I find it offensive (to the spouse) on numerous levels, while several of the responses below are much more kind, and understanding of this husband's heartfelt dilemma. (Although employing the term "obsessed" may not have been the best choice of words). You write: "One thing I know for a fact, parents have to work really hard to drive their children away..." You don't know ANYthing "for a fact" and based just on this one statement I would be suspicious of almost any of your opinions. Parents do things all the time, every day of the week, every hour of the day, every minute of the hour to "drive their children away." Some parents (perhaps most -- I'll grant you the benefit of the doubt, which is probably being overly generous) are wonderful to their children and would do anything -- even die -- for their offspring...and then there are "others" who aren't fit to raise anyone, who should never be allowed to have children because of both the physical and emotional abuse they reign down on small beings who usually can't fight back. Do you read the media, by any chance? If you did you would find numerous stories -- every day of the week -- of parents doing awful things to children, killing them, beating them, selling them to the sex trade, etc. I urge you to wake up to the real world. If some children had wonderful, kind, loving, parents -- I salute these folks. Many children have NOT benefited from this and it's called "reality."
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Watch out! My husband and I were together 32 years, married 23. His kids and I got along- never an argument. They were in their 20’s. Now, their 50’s. When he started being what I call delusional, and then he was diagnosed with dementia, I reached out to his kids for support. My husband was telling me to leave our home, that he was going to build a house for he and them. They wanted username and passwords for the healthcare- he gave it to them- and I was blocked. And, they said to me that they would talk to me about “what he would allow.” I wasn’t allowed to know or go to appointments anymore even though I was living the hell. We are now divorced. 🙁
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If you have been married for 38 years and the step daughter is now 52, there has to be some past history about what went on when you and your wife first got together. Did the children live with you or their birth father, and where does he fit into the picture now? Did the son and daughter dislike you and vice versa? When and why did they both drift away?

You say that mother “has never lost her love for her children” but if I understand your post, she doesn’t think that they love her. As your wife has dementia, understanding what she ‘really’ thinks may be difficult or impossible. She may be remembering her love for them when they were small, rather than wanting to try for a new loving ‘adult’ relationship. A meeting could be quite confusing (and upsetting). Or it might make her very happy – you just don’t know!

It may be that you have some baggage from the past that makes you a bit suspicious of this new approach. Would it help if you met your step daughter yourself (you have known her for 38 years, she’s not a stranger), and tried to understand what’s happening? And being there in the background if the visit does take place sounds like a sensible idea, in case it’s upsetting.
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You say your wife has never lost her love for her children.

If so, why are you even considering standing in the way of your stepdaughter's involvement? What are you concerned about?
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So daughter would have been… 14 when you and your wife were married? Not sure whether the brother is older or younger than her, but since it’s “her daughter” and “her son” here and not talk of your stepdaughter and stepson, maybe it’s safe to presume you were not close to them before your wife’s journey began?

If that’s the case, I can see how mum going into hospital could have been a wake-up call for the daughter, especially if she became more distant around the time your wife started to become more symptomatic.

This is the beginning of another chapter in the journey, so it seems like there can be room for daughter to become more involved if she’s looking for a way to re/connect. I agree with the earlier comment about talking to the social worker/case manager or primary nurse for guidance too.
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Thanks for the kind comments. I I could disinherit her I would (can't because of her condition,but she is in my will to get her share of the estate, Also the daughter begged me not to go see her the first night she was there and i finally just hung up on her. She is talking to the nurse in charge and I ask him this morning to not share anymore info with her and I will tell her what she needs to know. I have always treated the kids with the love of a father that they never had and I just don't understand this. I still treat them with as much respect as i can but I'm afraid when I express to them that I love them it is not from my heart,
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AlvaDeer Apr 2022
Are you saying that an estranged daughter who is not POA for your wife is being given information? You need to stop that immediately. That is not even legal. I am assuming YOU are the POA for your wife and I don't understand an estranged daughter telling you not to visit your wife. What am I missing here? You say that your wife has not lost love for her daughter. As I said, it only matters here what your WIFE wants. Ask her if she wishes to see the daughter. If the answer is yes, then contact the daughter and tell her that she can go to see her Mom accompanied by you and that you will be watching like a hawk that nothing she says is distressing to her Mom. I again am "assuming" that you are the POA here. As far as your comment about disinheriting a daughter who is not yours? I am perplexed by that, and feel it is not your place. My partner has two daughters he raised on his own. I have two as well. It is up to my partner and myself what we do about our own daughters, really. I would be horrified to think that my partner would think of disinheriting my daughters from my estate. We have done our paperwork, so that's not an option, but the mere thought I would find perplexing.
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As an additional comment my wife has never lost her love for her children but even not if I try to convince her they love her, she just shakes her head no.
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
Your wife also has dementia, Bolin, please do not forget that fact, and that whatever she says you have to take with a grain of salt. Unless she has told you of some love her children DID NOT have for her BEFORE she was dx'ed with dementia, then you cannot trust her 'shaking her head no' at this point in time. You may want to withhold her children from her, but it's not your place to do so, UNLESS they are upsetting her or you catch them doing something unethical. You don't have to 'like' them, you just have to tolerate them.
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Yes, you wonder why all of a sudden Mom seems important now. I so hope you have DPOA and Medical POA /Advanced directive for your wife. With the Medical POA/AD no one should be talking to anyone but you. Without it, you should be the only one doctors and staff should be talking to anyway. SD should not be discussing her Moms care with doctors or staff. All should realize that you are the only one they are to talk to. You can relay to SD any info you think she needs to know. She needs to realize any decisions in Moms care are yours as the husband. That she lost that right when she and her brother chose not to see their mother.

And you can make her aware of all this firmly and quietly. (My DH always seems to get his point across this way) I know its SDs mother but why the concern now? Realized her Moms mortal and there may not be anytime to be a daughter? Or, there is something she wants to make sure she gets? Hope you have Wills. Because she cannot assume that what's Moms will eventually be hers.
Yes, I am skeptical.
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poodledoodle Apr 2022
“Realized her Mom’s mortal and there may not be any time to be a daughter?”

No, I don’t think so. Of course, only OP knows the full picture.

“Or, there is something she wants to make sure she gets?”

Much more likely.
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Sometimes close calls make family or friends realize a situation is much more serious than they believed, and they want to either make amends for nonparticipation in the past, help now, or redeem their lack of involvement.
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poodledoodle Apr 2022
Sometimes…but much more common, is vulture adult children. Amends, etc., efforts would have been made before. Much more common is, the adult child wants something (usually money), and they better try to get it now.
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OP, only you know the full situation, the personalities of all involved. Some adult children are vultures and only appear when they think the parent might die: they want to make sure they’re not disinherited. Later, if they’ve been disinherited, they can try to sue, showing they “cared” and did “show up sometimes.”

I hope your wife will be OK.

I wish everyone a great Easter Sunday!
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geddyupgo Apr 2022
Have to agree with you Poodledoodle. In my career in senior healthcare, can't begin the count the family members who suddenly appeared like hovering vultures when a person suddenly became ill. And frequently they were all over the long suffering caregiver trying to give conflicting directions and orders. I hope this is not the case here and that SD is suddenly trying to be helpful and supportive but I won't be surprised if she has an ulterior motive.
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What would your WIFE want you to do? Surely in all those years these things were discussed?
If you feel that seeing the kids now would work against her health, would confuse her, would be upsetting to her, would be a cause for distress, then tell the daughter that right now is not the time, that her Mom is very unstable at the moment, receiving medications that must be evaluated, and that "new things" (like HER) can't be thrown into the equation right away. Tell her that when Mom is more stable you will let her know, and make arrangements to visit with her.
You are in charge and giving your wife your loving care. Let your love for your wife be your guide. Do what is best for her, do what is least distressing.
Be certain to visit WITH THE DAUGHTER, and let her know you are doing so so that you can evaluate if this visit is a happy circumstance for wife, and if it causes distress. Let the daughter know that you have handled this for your beloved wife on your own, that you are determined to do WHAT IS BEST FOR HER regardless of your own feelings in the matter.
Stand firm, but as open handed as you are able.
This is always very tough. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you.
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AlvaDeer Apr 2022
It may also help to discuss this with the Social Worker involved or the managing nurse, or the physicians dealing with your Wife's case. They may have guidance considering that this visit of hers involves a mental workup as much as anything else.
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You should never tell your wife's children to butt out of her life, no matter how little interest they've shown in her life up till now, in my opinion. The last thing a step parent should do is stand between a child and their mother! Your SD may prove to be a huge help to you when you need it most, because most people cannot manage dementia alone. Put your anger aside and come together now, for your wife's sake, most of all. Hopefully, the SD will be helpful loving and supportive towards both of you now.

Good luck with all you have on your plate.
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Maybe at this point in her life she is looking to redeem the relationship with her mother so I would let her be as involved as she wants to be - as long as your wife seems okay with her visits and her involvement doesn't include interfering or telling you how to manage your wife's care.
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