Generally I feel fine and everything is great until one day it all hits me at once and I snap. I get extremely angry, say mean things, break objects, make messes etc. because I’m so drained and never get a break. It’s always that one day I’m not in the best mood to begin with and then there’s an accident. I'm too tired to clean but have to. I didn’t get enough sleep or am just depressed running on fumes. I just want to lay in bed all day or run away. I have completely grown to hate my grandma so much from all of this. Even hearing her call my name I just want to ignore her, but my guilty conscious won’t let me. She always wants to spend more time with me and make me watch tv with her, but I already get too much of her as it is. Is this normal? Is this how I'll feel towards my grandma until it’s all over? I always imagined a happy ending for all of us, but it’s just not real. She’ll likely die and remember me as the monster I am.
Compassion fatigue is a term that describes the physical, emotional, and psychological impact of helping others — often through experiences of stress or trauma. Compassion fatigue is often mistaken for burnout, which is a cumulative sense of fatigue or dissatisfaction
What are signs of compassion fatigue?
Watch for these symptoms of compassion fatigue
Feeling helpless, hopeless or powerless. Feeling irritable, angry, sad or numb. A sense of being detached or having decreased pleasure in activities. Ruminating about the suffering of others and feeling anger towards the events or people causing the suffering.
Commonalitities of Burnout and Compassion Fatigue:
Emotional exhaustion.
Reduced sense of personal accomplishment or meaning in work.
Mental exhaustion.
Decreased interactions with others (isolation)
Depersonalization (symptoms disconnected from real causes)
Physical exhaustion.
Here is a link to an article with more info on the subject:
https://www.apa.org/topics/covid-19/compassion-fatigue
You are not a horrible person or a monster for the way you are feeling. You are not, however, doing yourself or your grandmother a favor by staying her caregiver at this point. You need to resign your post and let your parents know you can't do this anymore, PERIOD. Allow someone else to take over or for grandma to be placed in managed care where a TEAM of caregivers can see to her needs 24/7, which may be the best solution. Medicaid can be applied for if necessary to cover the cost.
Best of luck.
You must be about 25, an age when you should be figuring yourself out and going out with friends and dating different people so you can figure out what you want in a life partner. Way too young to be stuck as the family caregiver. Those brothers need to help, and possibly to find another living arrangement for grandmom so that you can live your life. You can be "normal" again, but you can never get your twenties back.
However, I would look for help with your Grandmother so you can work on yourself, get some joy out of life and realize that you aren't evil, just frustrated and drained. Getting help for your Grandmother doesn't mean you love her less or are any less grateful for all she did for you, it just means you need space.
Instead of trying for a "happy ending" focus on ensuring both you and your Grandmother are receiving the care you need. Doing it on your own won't achieve anything.
There are many free resources to help and will ensure you can start living your best (or at least better) life.
GET HELP! Then you will have time to sleep, and time to watch tv sitting next to her and enjoying it.
You don't state your location on your profile page so I can't check it out, but have you tried Googling your local Area Agency on Aging? There is practical help and advice for family caregivers out there, and the Area Agencies are often a good place to start.