I'm always curious about this. Not one person I know says they would be okay with one of their children having to help them with toileting, walking, etc. when they're older. I don't have kids so I don't know what the usual thinking is on this with parents.
Do any of you expect your kids to give you this level of care?
And "well they changed my diaper for me when I was a baby, I owe it to them" just kind of sounds like it's transactional care and guilt talking. But is that how people actually do feel about it?
Thanks for the insights, in advance :)
So maybe it's a good idea that we put our wishes IN WRITING so that our children do not feel obligated to care for us when we DO reach the point that we're beyond a 'burden' to them and wind up ruining their lives, their marriages, their jobs and their futures due to caring for us out of misguided guilt & a sense of duty.
I don't know about you, but I certainly did not have children so they could 'repay' me for changing their diapers for a couple of years when they were babies. To compare that to changing MY diapers as a 150 lb (or whatever) grown adult is pure nonsense. And to think my children should have to give up their lives, jobs and families to cater to THAT level of care is beyond selfish & outrageous. Especially when other options are readily available.
What I DO expect of my children in my old age is to call me and to visit me sometimes wherever I'm located to keep me company in my old age. And they should do it out of love & a desire to see me; otherwise, never mind. That's about it. If I have surgery and my DH isn't around to help me b/c he died or whatever, then yes, I would certainly appreciate my son or daughter stepping up to help me out for a week or two to get back on my feet. But that's something entirely different than expecting them to take me on full time in home when I'm very old and demented or wheelchair bound, etc.
Everyone wants to live to a ripe old age but in the body they had at 30. Nobody ever does though.
1) few people really are present when their elderly LO declines so that there's a real first-hand knowledge of what it's like and what it takes to live like that or help the LO on a daily basis.
2) romanticization: we see Hollywood or advertisers' versions of what it's like and it is not reality in any way; when they do plan they are very unrealistic about expectations.
3) denial: people don't want to talk about decline and dying until it's upon them -- and then it's way too late
I'm from the generation where elders retired to a golf community somewhere in the FL. Then the next thing you know they are in the NH, hospital or grave. There's a whole lot that gets missed. My sons have seen their grandparents decline and one pass away, so I'm grateful that they have some real-life experience with it, not just for their grandparents or for me & hubs' sakes, but for themselves and their own planning and expectations from life.
My hubs and I recently finalized a Living Trust and we took the opportunity to explain it all to them (they are now 31, 27 and 23 yrs old). At this point only 1 of them has a girlfriend (so no wives). I let them know I would NOT expect or want any of them to provide daily hands-on care for us, and I definitely do not want them to help me with sensitive/private hygiene care -- ever. Now, their dad is another issue and up to him.
If it were "just" a matter of changing a "diaper" then people wouldn't be burning out left and right. It is a naive and romanticized notion that it's like changing the cat litter box. No one who has never been a caregiver can ever imagine what a life altering commitment this is. I couldn't live with the thought of knowingly burning out my own children when there were other options for my care available that I didn't bother to plan for.
As for my mom, I think she used to love the idea of being taken care of by me but then she witnessed first-hand the train wreck that occurred with my in-laws and the toll it took on us and she was disabused of this notion. I reassure her that I will keep her in her home until she is 1) no longer safe without constant supervision and 2) needs more help than I am willing/able to provide or she is willing to accept. She has agreed to go into the very fine facility 3 miles from my home where my MIL currently resides....whether she will remember this agreement is its own issue.
I am trying to make plans for myself...once I don't have to care for her I will work on it more...because I do not want my children to have to take care of me once I lose my independence. Besides... I have 2 sons.... and I will do whatever I can to prevent it.
I really just don't think my mom planned, I believe she figured she would have a stroke like everyone in her family did.
I don't feel I owe it to my mom, I love her very much.... but it certainly isn't easy.
Make your decisions and make them known to your children...but also get them in writing.
Best Wishes !!
“uses her iPad, checks her checking account, uses her iPhone to play games”
amazing.
i hope you can be ok, happy, and your mother too!!
I have discussed dementia and physical limitations with my kids and instructed them that they are not to give up their futures (they’re all still in school) - their careers, their children, their spouses and their lives, to care for me. Sure, I have a much different personality than my own mother. (it seemed like dementia poked holes in the few filters she ever had) My kids are certain I won’t morph into a Queen Bee, and, frankly, I’m hilarious - not the type to ooze negativity. But, one never knows. Let the pros help me with daily care so my relationship with my kids can continue without fear, guilt or resentment. My husband and I are very close with our kids (although they fight with each other) and our job, as we see it, is to set an example and prepare them for adulthood. We’re trying to simplify the upkeep of our home (my rustic dream home in the woods) but we recognize it will one day be too much. That is for us to resolve bit by bit, and not a burden to be dumped on our kids.
i see you are.
you've made me smile/laugh/learn, reading your various posts.
hugs!! :)
I have instructed them that they are to use my money to get me care, no matter how much I complain and ask to live with them. Dementia has hit the last two generations of my family, so I don’t know what kind of craziness might be coming out of my mouth, by then.
What I AM doing, though, is giving them insight into what kinds of things I have had to do to provide for my mother’s care. I had no idea what to do going into this whole mess. I want my daughters to have a general direction in which to go.
I am in my late 50’s. My husband is 61. We have drawn up legal documents, and made sure that our children have copies.
She decided to retire early & stated her kids would now "have to look after her". I asked why, as she was totally independent. I asked if she had been invited to live with her kids? Oh no! "I won't be moving from MY house!"
One kid joined the army & went OS. The other went rural to run a farm.
Always wondered how that worked out for her 😂