How much do I do for my biological father?
My biological father took off when I was around four years old. Never saw nor heard from him again. When I was 28, I went looking, found him and we had one of those Made-for-TV reunions. I really like him and his wife. I am "their" only child.
I have seen them maybe a dozen times over the next 25 years. Recently, I visited because my dad was having heart surgery and I felt guilt for not visiting him for 3+ years. I was shocked at how awful their lives are in every way! So I helped to buy them a nice condo near me (in a different state from where they live now) and I am helping them sell their house, their junky furniture and other stuff, etc. I am moving them up here and will take on their medical dramas, which are extensive for both of them. I am also their new POA and MPOA so I have now been paying their bills (out of their dwindling remaining money). It's not been fun.
The tiny thing is this: in all the years I've known them, they have never been the least bit generous with my child (their only grandchild) nor me. They have rarely even asked how my child, now grown, is doing since they met her when she was 8 and saw her only 3x since. They have shown marginal interest in my life, but have never stepped outside their comfort zone to be part of my life or anything else.
I am hoping by moving them here that I will get to know them better, and that we will merge into some fantasy of a happy family, but I know that's not likely. I just figure that since I give money to strangers for charitable causes, I may as well redirect that money to them, my blood relative and his wife.
But sometimes, when I see them being kooky with their lives or money, or indulging in their generation's typical racism and sexism, I wonder if I shouldn't be getting involved. When they run out of money, or are unable to live independently, I do not imagine myself cleaning up feces or going to see them every day. I might do that for my mom and stepdad, but not for these two. I will not be allocating more money to take care of them in their old age other than what I've done now, since I am trying to save for my own retirement. I suddenly feel wary of what I'm getting myself into, especially reading all your posts.
Any thoughts? Any helpful suggestions? Warnings? Advice?
13 Answers
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I'd think seriously, VERY seriously, about becoming involved in their "medical dramas". This could be quicksand.
You've already gone out of your way to help; I would draw the line at that, especially financially. You want to make sure you have enough funds for your own family when the times comes. And w/o being maudlin or dramatic, you never know when that may happen, especially during the pandemic.
What you might do is locate resources, ranging from the local Senior Center to vetting care companies, and provide them with that information as well as the critical information (so they can find their own sources of support) that you won't be providing that help yourself.
I think you might already have inadvertently encouraged them with what you've done, so stop the financial drain; open an account instead for your daughter's future.
You already have a mother and stepfather who may need help. Tackling another set of parents is too much, especially given your queries and concerns now. Draw the line in the sand, NOW, and don't cross it.
If he didn’t care about you then, he’s not going to now. He didn’t look for you; you had to look for him. You’re rescuing him, but would he ever rescue you? No. He was a coward and walked out. Don’t the people who raised you and stuck by you deserve your help much more?
The “but it’s my dad” argument doesn’t apply here. He is not your dad. He chose not to raise you. You weren’t important enough to him to stick around. A little girl needs her daddy. And he rejected you.
Maybe you’re trying to make up for the lost years, or to have the dad you wanted (and wanted you). You’re trying to fill the void he made when he left. Really think about why you are doing all this.
Have you ever worked with a counselor about this childhood trauma you suffered? I also find the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score concept helpful as well. Here is a link to a version of the series of questions in case you are interested:
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/media-coverage/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean/
However I think its important to bear in mind that this does not seem a remotely normal parent and child situation. If he abandoned you at 4 years old he has not been there as a father for you. Should a child look after a "sperm donor" parent in old age just because they donated their sperm? Adult birds feed baby birds but I have never seen a younger bird feeding an aging parent. Sometimes I think pressure to care for ones parents is a total misaligned cultural norm, particularly where the parents have been abusive, negelctful or absent.
It sounds like you like them and get on with them. So I would think of it as helping aging friends not aging parents.
Best of luck. Sounds like you have a heart of gold. Maybe be a bit careful about things like PoA as I wonder if that gives you certain legal obligations which are unhelpful.
You owe this man nothing. I wouldn't even have done as much as you did. You have done what you can, you do not need to support them.
My dreadful father could be absolutely charming, so I’m not surprised that you liked him and his wife. Think again. The further in you go, the higher the expectations that you will keep on, and the higher your own feelings of guilt if you stop. Be very careful.
Adult child are not obligated to supply funds to support their senior parents, even if the relationship was stellar. How much less so if the parent abandoned you!
You can assist with getting them signed up for what government support they qualify for, including medicaid when the money runs out.
If after meeting these folks, you and your child didn't get the connection you hoped for, just be realistic that it probably won't happen later on either...even if you did invest your own money to help them out.
Keep good records of them selling their house, the money you put out to help them get the new place, etc. It would probably serve you better to talk with an elder attorney and get certain documents signed while they are still in good shape mentally. As in, the money from sale of their home probably needs to go towards purchase of the new one or you're going to have to account for every cent of it should they need a Medicaid bed at a nursing home (Medicaid pays when they run out of their own money). If the house will belong to both of you (what you've paid and what they will put towards it after their home sells, this needs to be addressed as well. When you start co-mingling funds, a pro needs to help you with paperwork. You might ask about a Lady Bird deed and how it works in your state - where the house becomes yours upon their death and does not pass through a probate court.