I know, a weird title, so my apologies. My mother, 77 in May, is going to find other arrangements since I will be moving. She and I lived together since I moved back, but I want to further my career, have a relationship, and be independent.
My mom, thankfully, is still physically and mentally able to care for herself. She needs help with computer-related stuff, but mentally is fine. My brother is kind of ticked I don't want to like that with my Mom, that is, living with her. I want to be sure my mom is safe and in a good place. So does my aunt and brother.
My mom said she doesn't want to live with my brother or I, and wants a studio apartment. Her Social Security isn't much, but my brother suggested we both contribute like $300 each to supplement.
My point is, I love my mom so much, but do I need to live with her? Do I "owe it to her" as my brother states?
You brother is DEAD WRONG in my humble opinion.
And for YOU and brother to use YOUR money? Who then takes care of you because it takes a LIFETIME of savings to remain independent of your children and the taxpayer.
Your mother should care for herself now, get a smaller place, sell her home if she has one, put the money in wise investments and continue to take care to save for her older years. She may be lucky enough to die at home. Some are. Some aren't.
I am 82. This is some of the most free years of my 63 year old daughter's life. Why should she be spending them on ME? Because I wasn't careful, wise and or lucky enough to have any money? Mom can have a roommate if she needs help....remember THEM? They were how you afforded once to live!
Brother is welcome to his opinion. You are welcome to yours. And you are wise enough to form your own opinion without our input, Doggiemom. I know that.
I struggle so much with feeling like I’m being selfish but you’re right - literally no one is going to be there for me, I can’t waste my resources on someone who didn’t take responsibility for their own care.
I feel it was up to my mother to plan ahead. Gear your mother’s lifestyle to her income/savings, not yours.
We (husband and I) feel we owe our children a safe, welcoming home, emotional support with lots of listening, the wisdom of our years (Ha!) and financial assistance (we live comfortably) so they don’t graduate under a mountain of debt. So they can go out in the world and live independently, pursue careers, interests and relationships.
What do they owe us? Really - nothing.
You “owe it to her” just as much as your brother does. Which is to say that you do not.
Hurray for your mother’s desire to live independently!
My parents who were 83 at the time were livid but I did it anyway. No more people pleasing. It was a good thing I did move because my father is still alive. I would still be in NYC waiting for him to be gone. I was responsible, I did not abandon them but I decided my future could not just revolve around their needs and that what I wanted was important too.
I visit every 6-8 weeks for a few days but they take care of the caregiving arranging in all forms. This now requires an 8 hour per day caregiver. Brother and wife are doing a good job. They don’t communicate at all with me, but they don’t owe me anything. I’ve attempted to communicate with them but really they’re not interested.
The issue is what my mother tells others. Brother and SIL are the martyrs. I’ve been asked by family members why I don’t “do more,” since I’m the daughter. I ignore these questions.
I’m glad I chose to move when I did. I’ve been able to enjoy my grandchildren and adult kids. I have taken care of my future so that when I am aging and may need daily “help” that my kids do not need to disrupt their lives to care for me. I don’t want to burden them, and they owe me nothing.
Your brother shouldn't say anything about who should be living with you. If he doesn't want your mother to be living alone, he can move her into his place.
Let mom figure it out BY HERSELF. Let her pay for her old age care BY HERSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Do it while she's still able to care for herself. Frankly, I can't imagine anything worse than moving in with my grown kids! Help mom establish and keep her independence, and you'll be giving her the best gift of all - herself.
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