He is now legally blind, almost deaf, and was newly diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. We just moved Dad, 96 years old, to Summerwood in CT. My bro is POA who is caregiver. Bro is fried like we are now and hopes to wean dependency out of father by leaving him in AL for 2 weeks and see what happens This is upsetting sister and I. She's in Fl and I live an hour and a half away. I see Dad once a month, noticing memory in steady decline. Although Dad is in a palace with a caring AL staff, they can't be with him like an aide. My rich bro and Dad has funds too. refuses to give Dad an aide even a day a week because Dad will keep asking him, when she is coming. Bro did a pretty good job till now. Can Dad possibly improve his emotional dependency when he has so many obstacles? Will the AL insist Dad get more help?
I appreciate your suggestions. Thanking you in advance.
Meanwhile I am still riding the waves of being there for Mom. Luckily she is still taking care of herself at 94, has other helpers, and I have assigned myself to manageable roles without getting sucked into her often negative energy. Many times we have what could be fun.
I pray that both of them go out of this life in some kind of relatively painless fashion. But that's up to the Divine Director.
Ah well, I wish I were one of those women who can be kind and unruffled by others. I am trying...
A full day may be a bit long, but you would know that better than anyone! Seeing Dad on your own is a good idea, but be careful of talking "about" Mom in the time you have with him. There are lots of other things to visit about. Come here to vent, that is good. The only way your own anger will NOT eat you up is if you give this anger up. Nothing you can do to change Mom's behavior! Nothing you can do to change whatever hassles she is fighting with. She is fighting with herself.... Don't you do the same with yourself!! LET IT GO!! That way you can spend what time you have with Dad in Peace.
Yes, this is much harder than I make it sound. Anger is a powerful emotion and It can easily eat you up. Your taking your Mom to see Dad must have been an a monumental project!! I applaud you for giving it your best!! Now take care of you. Feel free to message me anytime!
Dad seemed to be doing better than I thought and he has days when he panics for a few minutes and then resumes his new life. His memory is not good at all, but we think his hearing is his worst enemy. My brother, God bess him, has tried different hearing aids, different doctors, different devices to help him communicate. My brother, in his new role as DPA, and now conservator, is a great problem solver and has built up trust while trying to wean Dad off of his (life long) dependent behaviors.
Bro uses an iPad to type in questions to Dad in big letters (Dad's sight is terrible too) and Dad can read that and respond. But Dad can't learn how to use the iPad and Henry is not there 24-7.
Dad told us a few jokes and smiled on several occasions, which was a real bonus!
What troubled me was my Narc mother's behaviors which I found repulsive, annoying, and offensive, although I am positive that SHE thought she was God's gift to Dad! Actually she pretty much told me that: "I know that God has helped me live just so I can help Dad be happy now." My word, how much delusion and BS can a daughter endure? By the time I got away from her I felt I had just showered in BS.
I hope that Dad found her more pleasing! He looked bewildered, but then he always has that look on his face these days. What Mom looked like and the way she acted, no playwright could have dreamed up! Picture Talulah Bankhead or Lady Gaga on Steroids at 94 visiting her x husband in the AL!
The same woman who had beat her kids, made my father cry, cheated on him throughout the marriage, and NEVER had a conversation with him of any substance or meaning during their 30 year marriage was now draping herself over him like a long lost pal, hanging on to the frail man (probably to keep herself from falling over), and cutting out any possible communication between me and my Dad by interrupting, putting me down, waving her hands and scowling at me whenever I tried to say anything!
Yeah I was blazing mad by the time I drove home by myself late last night and could barely sleep sorting all this junk out.
Trying to set a boundary to avoid this scene again soon I told her in the car on the way home that that all day visit and drive to and fro was too much for me and I planned on going down by myself the next visit. I'd take her every other time.
She got out her F.O.G horns with, "well you might change your attitude knowing we won't be here forever." I said, "No. That doesn't a thing for me."
Enough is enough. Now I will be curious to hear what Dad thought of that visit. If he really liked seeing her, I'll have to endure, but darn it, I'm going to see him on my own and not bring her often.
Several times, I the now senior babysitter had to order my mother to let go of my father because in her Narc way she was grasping his hand leading him without noting that he almost fell over from her forceful and oblivious lead!
I also didn't like that she was clearly demonstrating to everyone at the AL what a good "wife" she was. My father already is full of guilt and pain visiting his real wife in the nursing home dying of Alzheimer's).
Well, had to vent. Anyone relate to this stuff? How do I navigate this without having my own anger eat me up? I felt like my veins were going to burst yesterday watching her.
Bless You!~
My mother and I will visit Dad next week. So far he sounds like he is doing better and better.
Bro said Dad has a foot wound that is not healing: I think from Diabetes 2. Just learned that honey really heals such wounds! Found doctors success with it online in many good sources. Hope Dad's doctor goes with that route.
Will let you know what happens. I know it won't get much better: at 96 with so many obstacles and memory decline. But even if he has another few months of a pleasant life it will be worth the move before the NH phase sets in.
Bless you all.
Each Assisted Living Facility that I've ever looked at for my mom did their own assessment and determined if they could manage the client with their own staff and at what level. If Dad needs an aide, the facility will not be shy about saying that he needs more help.
To my way of thinking, if a person goes INTO AL needing an aide, they probably need a higher level of care. As someone else mentioned, dementia only gets worse (and he's not going to get less blind, Lord knows); so if he needs an aide now, he probably is a better candidate for skilled nursing care.
I would consult with the facility about making yourselves scarce the first week or two. I think that is very much dependent upon the patient.
From what I understand about ALs, the cost depends on the amount of help someone needs. The more assistance they need the higher the cost. Like mentioned, he will be evaluated by the staff. Their recommodations will be discussed with the MPOA. ALs are limited and will suggest longterm nursing care if they feel thats where the patient will be. Remember, most ALs don't except Medicaid. So when the money runs out, he will need to apply to Medicaid and go in a nursing facility if no one can take care of him.
I just need to say, POA are written up in case a parent becomes where they can no longer take care of themselves. It can be revolked by that same parent if of sound mind. It is also null and void at time of death then the responsibilies of the estate fall on the head of the executor which doesn't mean its the same person. I have never thought that having POA meant I "take over". Its just I'm the child who lives in same town as Mom so it made sense. I " do" keep my brother in the loop. Especially since we r selling Moms house.
I agree, give your brother time to sort things out. This all is probably new to him. The AL personnel may open his eyes that ur Dad cannot be left alone. If money is there, than use it for his care. It may take some burden off ur brother.
Please, don't assume because your brother "has money" that he has a financial responsibility. Having the POA does not make you personally responsible. I have a SIL that assumes everyone (3 of us) can each put money in for Moms care if she can't. My husband and I are retired. We are comfortable but not rich. Own a house that constantly has upkeep. Living in NJ, taxes and car insurance the highest in the nation. (SIL lives in NC with my brother). If my brother heard her say this, he would have a puppy because of their money situation.
No, ALs don't have aides on a one to one. What they have is a common area for residents to be with other residents. They eat meals together and have activities. Some elderly do well because they r more stimulated and feel they have more independence than sitting at home alone.
Since your input is limited with the facility, you can't schedule team meetings, but I think I would still let the AL facility know my concern, his dementia diagnosis and that I was concerned that the level of care was sufficient. If you are right, they will notify brother that he needs more assistance.
Please give him some slack. The decision to place your dad in AL wasn't made easily. I am sure your brother was being crushed by the responsibilities of (primary) caregiving and DPOA. He is smart to have the 2-week settling-in period before making any other changes. Wish we did. Though I do think the outcome would have been the same and we would have gotten the aide anyway.
About your "hiring an aide". The facility has requirements for staff & liability issues for outside vendors that have to be abide by. Family just cannot hire their own personnel to take care of an resident.
At some point in the near future, there will be a "care plan meeting" for dad. For NH residents, the timing is set by Medicare requirements to be done within the first 30 days and then every 90 days. For my mom, the NH mailed out a letter 2 weeks in advance for her 1st NH and a month in advance for her second NH with a specific timeframe choice for the meeting for me to choose from. For AL I'd bet it's probably is more case by case as to the CPM. In the CPM, the DPOA meets with rep's from staff from the different departments to review Dad's care and the ability of the facility to meet his needs. There is a likely possibility that once staff has the ability to evaluate dad on a daily basis that your dad (at 96, blind, deaf, vascular dementia) will be evaluated to move from AL to NH as his level of care will require more skilled nursing services. Hopefully dad has 300/400K available as NH private pay easily 12K - 15K a month.