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I am the caregiver for my mother-in-law. She is not hard to get along with, but I'm so sick of being her caregiver. I've been taking care of her in some capacity for 6 years.


She is bedbound and only uses the bedpan. I'm the only one who can put her on the bedpan. She stays in our living room. My spouse and I have no privacy. The house constantly smells like poop. I do go out to breakfast with friends on occasion. It's not like I never get out but as soon as I get home she needs the bedpan. If you took the bedpan out of the equation, it wouldn't be near as bad. I basically do everything for her except feed her.


My husband and I have agreed that should she be hospitalized, we will pursue nursing home placement. She is 96. I don't wish she would die, I just wish she wouldn't live with us anymore.

I placed my Mom from an Assisted living to a NH. I just toured the local ones, picked one and talked to them. My Mom had 20k left so that helped to get her in the door and me time to apply and get her OKd for Medicaid.

Give you a lot of credit because once she was bedbound, it would have been LTC.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I agree with the others. Enough is enough. Place her in a nursing home now. Don't wait for a hospitalization. (In the meantime, can't you switch to disposable diapers?) And yes, turn this responsibility over to your husband. Don't feel bad about moving her in a nursing home. Even if she protests, she'll probably enjoy having a new set of nurses and other staff members to interact with after being homebound for so long.
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Reply to MG8522
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Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. You've given me a lot to think about.
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Reply to Ventingcgofmil
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You don’t need to wait until she’s in the hospital . When you’re done you’re done .

” I just wish she wouldn’t live with us anymore “. Your words . Tell your husband these words and that you’re done .
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Reply to waytomisery
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It's time, if she doesn't have adequate funds apply for Medicaid, 6 years is long enough to give up your life.

I do not understand the hospital thing, but you need to do what yuou need to do, it is just that simple.

Sending support your way!
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Reply to MeDolly
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Only you know how much longer you can do it. It’s pretty clear from your writing that you’re exhausted and have lost any desire to do it, understandably so. It’s taking a toll on your emotional and physical health, consider the costs of that and discuss it with your husband. It may be time to change the plan without waiting on a hospitalization. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Only you know how much longer you can do this, but it sounds like at least you're able to talk to your husband about having his mom placed in the appropriate facility. And hopefully that will happen sooner than later.
Either that or you tell hubby that he's now going to have to step up and put his mom on the bedpan and then clean her up afterwards, as you can't do it anymore. I'll put money on the fact that after 24 hours he will be looking himself for the quickest place for her to move to ASAP.
You and your husband deserve to have your house to yourself and for it not to smell like poop all the time. That is just nasty.
I wish you well in finding the right facility for your MIL to move to if your hubby doesn't beat you to it after you give up helping with the bedpan and make him do it.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Get her assessed for needing LTC by her physician. LTC, if she also qualifies financially, is covered by Medicaid (plus her SS income).

Pick out a good, reputable, close facility. Have her go in on private pay. Make sure it accepts Medicaid. Then when she is close to running out of money (like 4-6 months) apply for Medicaid.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I myself don't think it is wrong or unrealistic to hope for the deliverance of this poor thing, who has no quality of life and who is requiring her family to be thrown upon her slow burning funeral pyre. I think that you should feel nothing but relief for her when she goes, that you do not have to witness her suffering, and you don't have to bear witness and sacrifice your own life.
You and husband at least have a plan in place. I don't know MIL's level of awareness. It would be very difficult now to move her, but this is a matter of personal survival at times. There should be no reason that you have to go literally crazy with care that's more appropriate for several shifts of several people each. You aren't a Saint. It's a bad job description, anyway, as I always so.
Again, only YOU can make this decision for yourself. I could no more have done it for one year than the man in the moon. I don't understand how you can continue . But I am not you. I wish you the very best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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