I am the caregiver for my mother-in-law. She is not hard to get along with, but I'm so sick of being her caregiver. I've been taking care of her in some capacity for 6 years.
She is bedbound and only uses the bedpan. I'm the only one who can put her on the bedpan. She stays in our living room. My spouse and I have no privacy. The house constantly smells like poop. I do go out to breakfast with friends on occasion. It's not like I never get out but as soon as I get home she needs the bedpan. If you took the bedpan out of the equation, it wouldn't be near as bad. I basically do everything for her except feed her.
My husband and I have agreed that should she be hospitalized, we will pursue nursing home placement. She is 96. I don't wish she would die, I just wish she wouldn't live with us anymore.
Use MIL's money and her "estate" to hire professional CNA's. The ones we had were really really good. Specify you want CNA's that have done extensive nursing home work (not unskilled home workers.)
Our in home CNA's were really good about hygiene. They always wore gloves. They did toileting/depends. They did daily bed baths. They lotioned Mom's body after the bed baths. They repositioned Mom every 2 hours. They did Mom's laundry. They laundered her sheets and night gowns. They assisted her with eating.
Mom's room always smelled fresh. They took the trash out to the trash can in the garage. If there was a bm they acted on it quickly and professionally, cleaned it up, sprayed lysol and cracked a window a couple of inches.
I think Mom really enjoyed the daily bed baths and all of the lotions.
The CNA's were very hygienic. They requested latex gloves, we had safe soap for washing, certain lotions, baby oil, and vaseline. Any product they requested I bought. Everything was very hygienic.
Since you and your husband overnight in the home you can probably get by with scheduling them 8 or 10 or 12 hours a day.
Make sure Mom's room has a comfortable chair for them to sit in during their shift. Give them the WiFi code. We set up a dorm frig and a $69 microwave in Mom's room.
Also, consider going back to work in an office/RN setting. My town has a lot of these jobs. Or pick up an RN job that is 1-2 days a week. We had a hospice home care RN come around to the house and she was in her 80's. She was cute as a button. Why are you doing CNA work when you could get paid for RN work a day or two a week? Tell your husband you are going back to work.
On my own health directive, it’s to not prolong life if on life support. It should also be to not prolong suffering and burdens.
Dementia strips one of all dignity and causes one to be a burden, while the sufferer is confused and often scared and agitated. I wouldn't left a pet suffer like this. Why can't a dignified death be offered to humans, especially if, while they are still in possession of their faculties, they state the desire to be let go when the quality of life is lost?
A caregiving situation should not go on indefinitely. People are living longer because of medications and medical advancements; however, there is no way that someone this old can have a decent quality of life. In trying to preserve their life, you are taking years off yours.
It sounds like you are doing all of the heavy lifting for your mother in-law.
I don't have any words of wisdom other than it is time for placement.
To put it bluntly, it's her estate and should be used for HER care. If you want her in your home, call around and find out the rates to have an aid provide 3 or 4 hours of care daily.
Since you said you would really like your home back, look at skilled nursing facilities and have your mother in law see the one you like the best. Then you can visit and enjoy being her family instead of her caregiver.
There is too much (?) societal emphasis on keeping people alive - as if it is a good thing ... or required ... sometimes it is best to let people go with dignity, before they lose all of it.
God ... she is 98.
Consider reframing your thoughts and give more / some consideration to the quality of life.
While you may have had conversations with your husband, it is HIS mother. Tell him you are going on strike.
JUST STOP.
If you do not set limits for yourself, no one else will.
You will (if you haven't already) compromise your own health and well-being due to what you've taken on - and perhaps FEEL you have to. From an outsider's point of view, you DO NOT have to. You have to decide.
Get lots of lavender / room fragments (as non-chemical as possible).
Perhaps keep her door room closed at all times to stop the stench from going all over the house.
Yes, it sounds like she should have been in a nursing home a long time ago. For your own well being, stop.
Gena / Touch Matters
Otherwise to a care facility she goes.
I know it's much easier to say, in the same boat minus the pan.
Also, after 6 years of this you will have PTSD but it will fade. I still have PSTD and my sister passed in 2021. Know a prayer has been said for you as I finish this. ((hugs))
Give this wife a break.
She needs to set her own boundaries ... not be on 'automatic' as if it is her responsibility. It isn't. It is her husband's mother. Period. End of Story.
Let him figure out how to deal with the bedpan.
WHY is it usually / always put on the woman in the household to do all this? Likely, in part, because women / spouses feel like it is their responsibility. It isn't.
(My client lasted to 104).
MIL needs to be placed yesterday.
Women / wives ... stand up for yourself.
YOU deserve a quality life, TOO.
You are not the automatic caregiver for a spouse's parent ... nor even your own parent. Consider the quality of your own life before you don't have it anymore. It isn't cruel to feel / believe we, individually, deserve a quality life - and make arrangements accordingly. We do what we need to do while valuing our self, TOO, if not first.
Good luck.
This wife needs a break.
She needs to STOP... take a vacation alone or with a girlfriend.
Let the MIL's son deal with his own mother.
It is so sad that a wife feels / believes it is HER responsibility. It isn't.
I say, she needs to go away for a couple of weeks... leave mother with her son. This is self-respect, self-care. More women needs to believe they deserve a quality life - and do what they can to achieve this.
'Til death do we part' doesn't apply to a mother in law.
Honestly as uncomfortable as a bedpan is I can't imagine anyone using that over a incontinent brief. (not that the brief is incontinent...the person is...)
And if MIL has any assets use some of them to pay for a caregiver a few hours a week.
Does your husband help? Why are you doing everything for his mother?
You are tired of this. You don't have any privacy. You and your husband have agreed to pursue nursing home placement. And you don't want her living with you any more. What are you waiting for? Start calling and touring nursing homes now! You can set up a meeting with an admissions director, get answers to any questions you have, and see what the place looks like! Check out a few, then ask her doctor to refer her! And don't feel guilty! She needs more care than you can provide.
It sure sounds like your MOL needs an SNF to me and most of those accept Medicaid.Again, above rules will apply.
In the meantime is it possible - do funds allow or can you get help for a care person to come into your home and help with the cleaning and caring. Its amazing youve managed on your own. We have care people coming in a few times a day two at any one time and they wash my dd and change sheets and clothes and it takes two of them experienced/skilled in a special bed with accessories like disposable bed sheets/wet wipes - flannels and bowls of water and disinfectant/soap and disposable pants. Its a huge task. Its amazing you have coped so long.
The time has come though for you to look after yourself and your relationship. Sort out the care and you can visit. 6 years without going insane is a remarkable achievement. Feel proud.
ps in the meantime - diluted vinegar is great for removing smells (in the wash or diluted washing spills up) . we use disposable pull up pants and inside put disposable pads which add a layer ofprotection. So in the day time all they need to do is turn father over - pull out the solied pants - use wet wipes to wipe down - wet kitchen roll can be used for messy bums just be careful theyre not too rough to cause skin irritations. then pat dry with a sheet of kitchen roll. A little barrier cream prevents any rashes - make sure you have gloves. you can then insert another pad
it makes cleaning a lot easier to manage while you have to. We use disposable incontinence bed sheets - theyre about 60x60cm and lay underneath the persons behind to safe guard any leaks. Call hubby and ask for him to help roll mother over. Its best done from the opposite side and reach over like a cuddle and pull mother towards him - onto her side - which will allow you to clean easier. Everyone on board, We also use cheap small bin bags for rubbish/soiled pants- and keep the bin outside so soiled stuff goes into the bag then taken outside into an external bin. Bed gowns are the easiest form of clothes - the type you have in hospital - available online. There isnt any smells. That all said - i have care people to do that - I standby as their helper passing things and to see they dont get slack tho :-) and to talk/reassure dad nearly finished. I promise you there isnt any smells in my fathers room with this method. Wishing you the best.
Excellent suggestion about using disposable diapers! Just call them "disposable underwear" and not "diapers." Tell her it's the modern way. I wouldn't give her a choice at this point. Make the switch today!
6 years is long enough! Best of luck finding a good facility to place her.
I’m sorry that there is not more help available for your situation .
We are not always aware of a posters financial situation . A fair amount of burned out caregivers suffer from guilt over placement , and avoid it even if the elderly person has funds or a house to sell to pay for AL . Some are not even aware that adult daycare is a thing or that there is Medicare or Medicaid covered options available for some care needs. I believe people try to suggest all possible options .
Also there are a few states that will help pay for AL through Medicaid . We aren’t always aware what state a poster lives in .
Give you a lot of credit because once she was bedbound, it would have been LTC.
” I just wish she wouldn’t live with us anymore “. Your words . Tell your husband these words and that you’re done .
I do not understand the hospital thing, but you need to do what yuou need to do, it is just that simple.
Sending support your way!