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My father (who was awful to my mother her whole life, but then again she never tried to stand up to him) wants us to take him to the cemetery tomorrow and we will, it's the anniversary of her passing. He also wants to go to eat with him, we probably will. My husband is understanding about all of this, but we just want to go home, we don't want to go out to eat. Going out to eat with my father is an awful experience. He is rude, demanding, condescending and leaves a low tip. We leave more behind his back. In my oppinion, we are just transporting him to the cemetery and back. I don't want this, I want this awful family to go away.

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After reading prior postings by Mary444, I believe she is 50 years old, as one former post she mentioned she was having issues with arthritis in her knee. Rarely one hears of someone in their 20's or early 30's having this problem.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Is Dad really 50? I would be honest with him and tell him you don't enjoy eating with him and why.
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AlvaDeer Oct 19, 2024
Dad is well on, I think, JoAnn. Mary has been writing us for some time. I think at one time, perhaps while mom was still living, Mary was having issues regarding family, if I recall. I actually don't research back at all, but I think Mary may be the one in 50s? Not sure and hopefully she'll come back and inform.
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I totally sympathize with you. Anytime I took my father out to a doctor or errand he'd want to tack on a lunch or dinner. Which was never less than 90 extra minutes. He forgot I was missing work (I assume he thought I could come and go as I pleased because I had a big position. I worked for government where every minute was accounted for) or just needed to get home because I already had dinner planned. I finally just had to say "No I can't, I don't have the time, I need to be somewhere else". For me besides not have the time to just hang out, my father would loudly talk about his bodily functions in the restaurant and I couldn't take the nasty looks anymore. I like the suggestion of take him to one last lunch and when he acts up call him out on it and tell him this is the reason this is the last lunch out.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Don't take him out to eat then. Let him know ahead of time that's not happening. You and your husband are the ones driving him so you're in control of where you go after the cemetary.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Never do what you’re not comfortable with out of obligation. Do what you are at peace with and nothing more
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AlvaDeer Oct 19, 2024
Beautifully said.
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The dysfunction in your family that you describe resonates. It's so heavy.

So your father - at only 50 years old !! - is depending on you (and your husband) to tote him around while he dictates the schedule. Exhausting.

At his age, he needs to get himself together. At 50 years old, age-related decline should not be an issue, but if he has not taken care of himself (his own lifestyle choices I presume) then the mobility problems and depression will be a result.

And now he's made it your problem to deal with.

(It's one thing to be disabled as a result of uncontrollable events or illness. It's quite another to render yourself disabled because of lifestyle choices. I personally have zero patience for the latter, and I've seen A LOT of that in my own family. Addiction, laziness, stubbornness, etc. Ugh. )

So. If I'm not misreading the situation, here is my suggestion.

If it were me, I would go ahead and endure lunch after the cemetery and then let him know clearly that this is the last time. No more lunches out - unless and until -he changes the way he treats people. Put the ball back in his court and give him the choice. Be nice and kind or forget it.

Begin to take yourself off the hook for anything that is not an absolute necessity and let your father take some responsibility for himself.

Peace.
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Southernwaver Oct 19, 2024
He’s only 50!!!!????!!!!!
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I agree , order pickup food .
If he balks , tell him his choices are eat this food at home or no food .
You can always take the food home with you if he refuses it .

Use your words

“ No we are not sitting in a restaurant “.

There is absolutely no reason to feel you have to take him to a restaurant .

My parents tried that everytime I had to take one of them to the doctor ( which was often ) , they always went together . We would leave the doctor and they would say “ Where are we going to eat ? “ It would turn into me losing an entire afternoon.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Order ahead and pick up food for him to eat at home. So what if he has a fit. As someone else mentioned, he can take an Uber.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Hey Mary, I feel your pain, I always hopped my dad would pass before my mom, because I'd never be able to handle him..

My dad did, then I realized my mom is just as bad as my mom, and mom was the one pulling dad's strings. Mom created my Dad, I honestly think she likes men to be mean to her, and that's her happy place. She created my younger brother to be the spitting image of dad.

Sorry, no of that answers your question or is helpful, but I feel your pain, as for you want this awful family to go away.

I feel that same way, now I look forward to the day mom is gone so my brother ( my dad's clone) is out of my life , for good and always!
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Tell him to take an Uber
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