My mother is 93 and has been in a nursing home for about 5 years. Obviously her condition has progressed and I am not sure she knows exactly who I am when I visit. I do know that she gets very upset now when she gets visitors and it upsets her whole day. I know she doesn't remember from one day to the next, so even if I could visit daily, her reaction would be the same...upsetting for her. There is much guilt on my part because I didn't have a choice but to put her in a nursing facility. I know she gets very good care there, it's a small facility for Alzheimer patients. I am struggling, making myself visit, when I know the visit won't be pleasant for her or me and am I doing it to satisfy my guilt or because it benefits her in some way. I don't see how being upset for an entire day benefits her at all...just so I won't feel guilty.
Well, one day the daughter decided to visit at a time that her Mom wasn't expecting her. There was Mom, in the common room with other ladies enjoying the activity of the day. Then Mom spotted her daughter... oops, the gig was up.
For your Mom, it could be the Alzheimer's talking. Maybe your Mom thinks you are someone else. I remember my Mom would call me by name, and I thought gosh she still remembers me. It wasn't until one day she was calling an Aide by my name, and that wasn't the aide's name. Ah ha. Mom also thought my Dad was her brother. So it isn't easy knowing what is going on in Mom's brain at the time.
As for upsetting the day, I noticed with my Dad he preferred a routine, and a visitor or anything else would throw a wrench into his routine. He enjoyed visitors but in the afternoon he was very tired being he was in his 90's so I decided to cut back to one day a week, weekend morning, and just for a few minutes when I was delivering supplies to Dad. That worked well for both of us.
I used to do some hospice volunteering. Many patients had advanced dementia and were freaked out by this strange man trying to visit them.
Whatever you decide will likely not be ideal, nor anywhere near it...Yet, separating how you feel from what you do may well be the best you can do in a puzzling situation.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
If you could visit her everyday for 1 hour that would become part of her routine and the visit would no longer be upsetting for her. Even every other day visit would become part of the routine. But it would be best to make the visit the same time every day.
Take her for a walk, sit and read, or just talk. If she is having problems eating make your visit at a meal time so you could help her. It will give her a bit of one on one care and she will equate your visit with something that hopefully she enjoys.
She is now under Hospice and I am taking care of her at home but when she was in the memory care facility I visited almost every day at lunch tome. She was less likely to be agitated and I could help feed her. I also made it a point to get to know others and talk to them and call them by name. It actually became an enjoyable experience that I looked forward to. The smiles I received made it all worth while.
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