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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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She needs 24/7 supervision. She thinks she will get better and go home. Slight dementia, cannot live with any relatives... her home is too much to keep up. We are in process of spending down/ applying to Medicaid.
You should not make a point of telling her you are going to sell her home. It will serve no purpose other than to upset her. If she has dementia, she will most likely not understand what you are saying or remember what you’ve told her. She won’t understand the Medicaid spend-down either.
If she asks about going home, tell her when the doctor says she can go home you will talk about it. Tell her you’re having the house cleaned and “fixed up” for her. Don’t upset her by telling her she is in the facility “forever”. We call it the “therapeutic fib”. It’s the kindest way to handle this.
Does someone have POA already? Would she need to sign paperwork? If not, why do you think she needs to know the house is being sold? I don’t tell mom anything that would upset her or make her sad. Ahmijoy has given you a great comeback when she asks...she can go when the doctor says it’s ok. I throw Moms doctor under the bus daily. The doctor says you need to gain 5 pounds. The doctor says you need to drink this juice. The doctor says ...... You’ll find you’re roles are reversing. You are now becoming the parent, the responsible one, for her benefit, just like you would shelter a young child from harm and give her hope.
Every family is different. Although I knew that my mother would never return to her home because she was not ambulatory and because of her démentia, I never told her that we were préparing to sell the home. The procèeds of the sale were going to be needed to pay for her nursing home care. I knew that as long as we were "private-pay" we would have more care options. I never told her. I knew it would break her heart. There was absolutely no reason to tell her. I have never regretted that décision. My mother and father loved their home and were very proud of it. Whenever she asked about the house, I always told her it was fine. I felt terrible about lying to her all the time, but I thought it was best to do that then and I still feel the same way today. It would have been much better if she had been willing to sell the home while she was still reasonably well. But, it just didn't happen that way. There is a message in this for all of us. There comes a time when it's important to downsize and maybe even to move into a smaller home where there is less to manage. When things become too much, that is the time to make those changes. So, my answer to your question is, no, do not tell her. Just do what you have to do if you have power of attorney. Help to maintain her peace of mind as much as possible. Use her liquidated assets to finance her care. Hope this is helpful.
Cuurently Diagnosed w/ moderate to severe dementia. History of Psychosis controlled with MEDS. UTI triggered this episode. She lived alone and cared for herself, even drove locally to grocery store. 5 mos ago admitted to Getiatric Mental facility suffering from Hallucinations and Delusions. After 3 mos in Geriatric Center and upon their severevDementia Diagnosis, admitted to Nursing home requiring 24/7 care. Has gotten much better, only suffering with slight delusions. Cannot go back home - too much for her, cannot live w/ any children -all work, etc. Not enough $$$ for assisted living. Nursing home cares for her, but she is much more functioning than the other residents.
Nana231, nursing homes area much more expensive than assisted living. Does she have long term care insurance that pays for NH? We still do not know if you have POA for fiancial decisions. If you do not, you really need to contact an elder care attorney as your mom may not be able to sign documents giving you POA at this point and without that, she ia going to have to sign paperwork to sell the house! Another lesson for all of us...get your estate in order early and revisit frequently. When we updated my parents' trust, we made changes to reflect my mom's declining mental status...the attorney kept stressing that to do the changes, my mom needed to have the capacity to understand those changes!
Nanna231, kudos to you for helping your mom, but like Countrymouse advised, "Hang on." Your mom was apparently doing alright when living alone until a UTI triggered an episode from which it's taken quite a while for her symptoms to significantly improve and from which she might further improve. Yes, it's good for her, you and your siblings to start discussing possible changes to her permanent living arrangements, but it's probably premature for her children to completely take away her independence, even if there exists a DPOA that might be interpreted to allow such. Everyone should be allowed as much independence and self-direction as they reasonably can maintain for themselves. While it's often easier and less time-consuming for adult children to usurp their ailing parent's free-will before it's really necessary, doing so could worsen a parent's physical and mental well-being and might possibly even be viewed as elder-abuse.
Has 24-7 care been determined to be absolutely necessary for the rest of your mom's life? If not, then there's the possibility that her condition will improve to where part-time, in-home assistance might suffice for a while. Has this been considered? As others have said, we don't have enough information about your mom's history and prognosis to give solid advice for your particular situation. Watching the decline of our parents is hard and it's even harder to figure out how to best assist them and then make more changes as they continue to decline. But, there are lots of good resources to help become better educated and contacting your state's office on aging could be a good start. Best wishes in your endeavors to help your mom.
After I was made DPOA for two friends of mine, I started looking for a place they could live with help. I went to 8 or 9 assisted living places and checked out their memory care facilities. The wife had frontal temporal dementia, the husband short term memory issues which prevented him from understanding how his wife was changing. I found 1 place with memory care apartments large enough for a married couple with a choice of a two-bedroom, one bedroom or efficiency apartment. It took over two years for the wife's condition to get bad enough to need 24 hour care in a locked facility. I got them to move after about a month of this. I did get the husband's agreement, but he kept forgetting. We had 4 conversations, including the day of the move and he ended up agreeing again each time. The day of the move, another friend took them out to breakfast in a nearby town, then to have their nails done while a moving agency and I got the furniture moved and set up in their new apartment. We arranged everything just like my friends had them in their townhouse. When they arrived, the husband saw his favorite recliner and the familiar furniture arranged the same way and sat down with a sigh of relief and never once talked about going home. The wife passed on 5 1-2 months later, receiving the best of care every step of the way. I had the responsibility of taking care of all their personal belongings and furniture and then selling their townhouse. That took over 2 years. I never asked the husband for advice or told him what I was doing and it was a peaceful process, just very time consuming. Their most personal belongings--old family photos, etc. I have at my house in order to get them to distant relatives. They had no children or close relatives to be part of this process. The sale of their townhouse proceeds went right to the husbands bank account and helps pay for his care now. This facility agrees to take public financing if they pay regular rates for 18 months and we are way past this now. He will be eligible for veteran's benefits once he becomes poor enough. This couple were smart, had good jobs, invested money for the future, all of which made my job in their care a lot easier. I am also the executor of their estate and know what their wishes are if any estate is left over. The husband is 92 and in good physical health, so we are likely to use up all his money in about two more years. Not involving him in the decisions I was making on his behalf made my job a lot easier, since he wouldn't remember anything I told him or asked him about anyway. He is content where he lives and thinks everything is just fine. Since we made his apartment just like his old town house, he may not even remember he ever moved. I am thankful I found a place that provided and continues to provide good care to my friend. I visit at least once a week and always keep my eyes and ears open. The staff is so supportive. Best of luck on this journey. If you have DPOA, you already have the authority to make these types of decisions and don't need to tell her about them.
I've just gone through this. Emphasize the upkeep, how it's a burden for you to look after the place. Ask something like, "can you imagine doing all that yourself now?" Hopefully, she'll recall how much work it is, and be sorry that burden now falls on you. My Mom didn't want to sell when she first moved to assisted living 2 years ago, still emotionally attached and thinking she might move back, have "someplace to go", if AL didn't work out. She is aware of her limitations, knows she couldn't move back and handle it all. But I didn't want to approach it by emphasizing her short-comings, rather that it's just too much for me to handle the house.
Unfortunately, just seeing that a plan is necessary it does not give you the legal authority to carry it out.
You may think it's safe to assume that Nanna has dealt with the competence point; but then again she or he wouldn't be the first not to realise how limited powers of attorney are until the person for whom they are held is incapacitated.
How and what and indeed whether to tell the Mom in this situation depends quite a lot on who exactly is making the decisions and what exactly Mom needs to know. Best not to take anything for granted, is my view.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If she asks about going home, tell her when the doctor says she can go home you will talk about it. Tell her you’re having the house cleaned and “fixed up” for her. Don’t upset her by telling her she is in the facility “forever”. We call it the “therapeutic fib”. It’s the kindest way to handle this.
You’ll find you’re roles are reversing. You are now becoming the parent, the responsible one, for her benefit, just like you would shelter a young child from harm and give her hope.
What do you mean by "slight dementia"? Does your mother, legally speaking now, have mental capacity or not? On whose authority is her home being sold?
Cannot go back home - too much for her, cannot live w/ any children -all work, etc. Not enough $$$ for assisted living. Nursing home cares for her, but she is much more functioning than the other residents.
Another lesson for all of us...get your estate in order early and revisit frequently. When we updated my parents' trust, we made changes to reflect my mom's declining mental status...the attorney kept stressing that to do the changes, my mom needed to have the capacity to understand those changes!
Has 24-7 care been determined to be absolutely necessary for the rest of your mom's life? If not, then there's the possibility that her condition will improve to where part-time, in-home assistance might suffice for a while. Has this been considered? As others have said, we don't have enough information about your mom's history and prognosis to give solid advice for your particular situation. Watching the decline of our parents is hard and it's even harder to figure out how to best assist them and then make more changes as they continue to decline. But, there are lots of good resources to help become better educated and contacting your state's office on aging could be a good start. Best wishes in your endeavors to help your mom.
The wife passed on 5 1-2 months later, receiving the best of care every step of the way. I had the responsibility of taking care of all their personal belongings and furniture and then selling their townhouse. That took over 2 years. I never asked the husband for advice or told him what I was doing and it was a peaceful process, just very time consuming. Their most personal belongings--old family photos, etc. I have at my house in order to get them to distant relatives. They had no children or close relatives to be part of this process. The sale of their townhouse proceeds went right to the husbands bank account and helps pay for his care now. This facility agrees to take public financing if they pay regular rates for 18 months and we are way past this now. He will be eligible for veteran's benefits once he becomes poor enough. This couple were smart, had good jobs, invested money for the future, all of which made my job in their care a lot easier. I am also the executor of their estate and know what their wishes are if any estate is left over. The husband is 92 and in good physical health, so we are likely to use up all his money in about two more years.
Not involving him in the decisions I was making on his behalf made my job a lot easier, since he wouldn't remember anything I told him or asked him about anyway. He is content where he lives and thinks everything is just fine. Since we made his apartment just like his old town house, he may not even remember he ever moved. I am thankful I found a place that provided and continues to provide good care to my friend. I visit at least once a week and always keep my eyes and ears open. The staff is so supportive.
Best of luck on this journey. If you have DPOA, you already have the authority to make these types of decisions and don't need to tell her about them.
You may think it's safe to assume that Nanna has dealt with the competence point; but then again she or he wouldn't be the first not to realise how limited powers of attorney are until the person for whom they are held is incapacitated.
How and what and indeed whether to tell the Mom in this situation depends quite a lot on who exactly is making the decisions and what exactly Mom needs to know. Best not to take anything for granted, is my view.
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