How to accept lack of appreciation from relatives?
Nearly 20 yrs ago, I provided a home for my mother and life long disabled brother when hers fell into dangerous disrepair. I live 3 hours away. She owned the acreage but transferred title to me when my brothers stated they could not pay the yearly property taxes. I have provided all maintenance, appliances, groceries, vet bills and a multithousand new heat and air system. My mother passed away and a brother moved in to care for my disabled brother. He is finally working and buys their groceries. The only other expense they have is utilities. Though I own it all clear, I never asked for a dime from my mother or my brothers. I regularly send a "care" package to them of favorite homemade cookies, household items, clothing, holiday presents, etc. I sent them a big box of chocolates with handmade valentine. I scheduled my brother's COVID vaccine. My issue? They never call to say thank you, never make an effort to show appreciation or acknowledge that to give to them takes away from my earned retirement. I'm fortunate that my husband doesn't complain, but I'm finding it harder to accept their sense of entitlement and lack of gratitude. I've made it clear it hurts me. I am the oldest and only sister. I know God teaches us to do good acts of love without the reciprocation of thanks, but I want to handle it better. Short of stopping with the care packages, what can I do? They seem to have no concept of how it takes from my life.
Be proud of yourself that you were able to do this. Since you own the property you stand to gain significant assets from the value of the land.
It's possible that due to your generous spirit, your brothers have veered into expecting what you give them. If you wish for your gifts to be appreciated, try lavishing your generosity on someone else, but with the healthy understanding that they may not be grateful either. Maybe search your heart to see if the ONLY reason you give gifts is to get gratitude, or that it makes you feel moral or good. Not judging this, but just saying that understanding your motives might be helpful to understanding yourself. I wish you peace in your heart!
I am learning, as I grow older, to not expect people to do things a certain way. You really can't judge someone by how you would do it. I had a friend who just passed. She was not a happy person and one of her problems was expecting people to go out of their way for her. I always felt if she had looked at things differently, she would have been happier.
Since brother is now working and you are retired, I may ask him to at least pay the taxes on the property.
You are already well aware of what you have done, because you have been able to describe it for us, and you are still doing things for the disabled brother, as is your other brother.
After 20 years I would think that the pattern would now be set as to who is who and what is what, who does what, and etc.
I would say that you have understood clearly what you have given up in life by your choices. Likely it is time to address your own needs now by yourself. Don't expect others to do it; they won't. You are the caregiver. They are the ones getting cared for. The contract is set.
If you wish to make healthy changes in your life, if there are things you wish to do and places you wish to go there is no time like the present. Choose friends who appreciate you. Do things with them. I wish you the best.
I always loved that idea.
I personally think you should stop sending these 'care packages' to your family members now. They are clearly not appreciative of your kindness and the cost is eating away at your retirement funds, so why bother? Unless you can send these packages with no expectation at ALL of gratitude from them, which most of us cannot, then just stop doing it altogether. It sounds like you've already done enough, in my opinion.
It seems natural that your material attention to your brothers would decrease as you become more dissatisfied about their lack of appreciative manners. Sometimes grown children and grandchildren can display the same negligence and indifference, so their parents/grandparents grapple with similar dilemmas as yours.
I recommend that you try basing your decisions on your attitudes toward them and toward yourself. We are called to “do unto others ...” , yet we also are called to “cast not our pearls ... “ .
So, you may decide — from time to time — on generosity. At other times, you may choose indifference. Give yourself permission to act according to what feels sensible in the moment. You are not required to maintain a decision for the duration, although a long term plan certainly could develop in your mind, over time.
I wish you well!
hugs!!
i think you're a super kind person.
i think "thank you" and "sorry" are words that are very appropriate sometimes. just a few days ago, i was quite unhappy that someone didn't say "sorry".
i don't know if this is the case with you,
but let me warn:
some people on purpose don't say "thank you"/"sorry", because they want to upset you. of course people know, all over the world, they should say "thank you" (for example, when receiving gifts, help, etc.). (by the way, animals "say" thank you too!! quite a lot of examples: for example a whale saved by humans, gives them a nudge to say thank you...a starving dog, "saying" thank you...).
some human beings totally enjoy upsetting others.
in my case:
i have siblings too, who don't say "thank you"/"sorry".
some people are rude...but more than that, i would say these people enjoy upsetting others.
protect yourself :).
think what is best for you too :).
hug!
bundle of joy :)
i just want to add a general comment about gifts...
a true gift...
i suppose countless of books written on it.
some people saying: if you leave a gift on the road, is that the purest form of gift? (because if you give it to a family in need, you're still maybe getting something out of it, for example, you might feel good about yourself). or, if you give to someone, for religious reasons, you might still hope GOD gives you something in return - so is that really a true gift?
or for those who believe, is God the only one, who is able to give a true, pure gift?
personally, i think, we human beings (and animals, insects, etc.) give true, pure gifts all the time.
different topic:
some things are simply rude/impolite/bad manners (like not saying "thank you"/"sorry")...and dealing with rude/impolite people is damaging to us. so they're actually GIVING us stress. it's not that their actions are neutral.
so we give a nice gift, and we are given stress. (for example if you're ignored) (being ignored is stressful, causes anxiety).
i wish for us, to protect ourselves :).
think what is best for us too! :)
bundle :)