My mother in law, recently had to be brought to my house, because she kept falling in her house, and we were told she could no longer stay home alone. I went to Miami, and brought her back to my house in Orlando. My husband is an OTR Truck Driver, only home 4 days a month. Her daughter lives in NJ, owns her own business, etc. etc. So, it was "decided" that since I was only a Waffle House waitress, that I was to quit my job and take care of her. I have two teenage boys, and a 3 bedroom house. My MiL, totally took over my room, essentially making me bed-less, I have no privacy or a place to call "mine" anymore. I like to sit at my computer watch Netflix, do some online Karaoke, etc. etc. But that is no longer an option because, she refuses to stay in a room by herself. If I listen to music, or put a pair of headphones on to watch Netflix on my tablet. She will, and I can set my clock by it, within 10 minutes have to go to the bathroom, want to go lay down, etc.
At night it's the worst, I will put her to bed, and every couple of hours, she awakes EXTREMELY confused, wanting to balance a checkbook at 1 am, wanting to watch golden girls at 3 am, and not remember any of it in the morning. Every once in awhile one of my boys will sit with her for an hour or so, so that I can get a quick nap. My youngest son even commented this morning. "Mom, why are your eyes so dark? Did you hit yourself?"
I have no idea how to care for her, no idea how to adapt to my sudden loss of "freedom", no idea how to manage my emotions. I don't want to develop resentment towards my MiL, but I already see the beginnings of those feelings starting to develop which makes me feel like a horrible person.
Any ideas, support, or online resources would be greatly appreciated.
"So, it was "decided" that since I was only a Waffle House waitress, that I was to quit my job and take care of her. I have two teenage boys, and a 3 bedroom house."
... does not compute.
It was decided... by whom? Were you not in the room at the time?
Also. You are not "only" a waitress, are you. You are mother to two teenage boys, and anyone who's had anything to do with teenagers of either sex knows full well that that is at least the equivalent of a maximum part-time hours job.
So all in all, it sounds to me like there must have been a good deal of wishful thinking, misinformation and back-of-the-envelope planning at the outset on everybody's part, and perhaps with you being outvoted? Nil desperandum! If a plan is not coming together, and this one is *not*, you can always make another plan.
When is husband next home? And when can you reasonably expect to be able to get him and Sister-in-Law together for a more sensible and better-informed conversation?
Your boys sound like gems, by the way. A real credit to you, and please ruffle their hair from me :)
Hello All!
I know it's been awhile, I got a bad taste in my mouth from a comment that was given, and decided that I needed to step away for a bit.
an update though.....
My MiL was admitted to the hospital on Nov 30th, (My son's birthday as it were) and stayed there until Dec 4th. During that time, she was diagnosed with COPD/Emphysema (she's a life long smoker who will NOT quit) UTI, and Dementia.
She gave the nurses a pretty good run for their money, she just would NOT stay in bed, (they put an alarm on her bed) , She would stand up and just pee in the floor.
The hospital actually said she needed to go to Skilled Nursing Rehab, but after a day's search unfortunately there were no beds, and she was sent home with instructions to get PT/OT and home health. I have been in touch with many agencies, and things are starting to come together, but with the holidays, I was told that it would be a slow process.
She visited her new PCP on Friday, who prescribed her a nebulizer with albuterol (because although she NEEDS oxygen, he said he could not in good conscience prescribe it to someone who refuses to stop smoking, then he made a Kaboom sound) , prednisone, zoloft, and told her to take an otc sleep aid at night. His thought was, if she can get rest with a sleep aid more than she couldn't then she should keep taking the otc sleep aid until it stops working more than it's suppose to, he said he dislikes giving sleep aids to those with dementia, but he says if/when the otc sleep aids stop providing at least some rest, he will revisit it then. He also was able to get some things in motion on her life choices. He said with her stage of COPD, that "if" she was to have a respiratory crisis and they had to intubate her, with the conditions of her lungs, she basically would never come off a ventilator. Here in Florida they have different rules and laws, so she filled out her 5 wishes, and got her yellow DNR from the State of Florida.
We have a CNA that will come by the house after the 1st of the year on Weds, Fri, Sat from 9 am to 1pm so that I can have some respite hours to myself.
I was finally able to get my bedroom back, we got the sofa couch, I made it up, moved all her stuff into the living room, moved all my stuff into my bedroom, and shut the door to my room, and I basically stay there, (out of sight, out of mind) My husband finally came home when I called him and said that I needed him to come home because I was taking my youngest son and moving back to Kansas. So, he came home, saw how his mother REALLY acted, and called his sister and told her that if she wanted the responsibility to come down and take it, otherwise, STFU and he was going to do what's best for his mother AND his family. So at least he's on my side now.
She was having all kinds of fits on Friday because she didn't want to go to the Dr's and such, and I told her, that she was brought to the house to get the care she NEEDED, not the care she wanted, if all she wanted was to move in and expect to be waited on hand and foot, then she was mistaken as to why she was there. She pouted for awhile but eventually I was able to get her dressed and to the Dr's on time.
So although, the situation is still ongoing, it's not as bad as it was before. I got a space of my own now, she has a space of her own. We still have battles about how she will summon my oldest son at night to get silly things like put her robe on or help her put her slippers on. I will not get up at night to do those mundane things, because I have been firm that after 9pm, the house is sleeping, she needs to manage those things on her own. (because she totally can) so she plays on my oldest son's good nature, but he's making great strides in setting boundaries of his own. My youngest son just stays out of her way, but my husband told her, that if she didn't lay off the youngest son, that he would have no choice but to find other arrangements because as he put it, "My family should NOT feel uncomfortable in their own house".
So at least things are going in a semi right direction.
Thanks for remaining concerned. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers.
You sound as though you have very little say in your life; husband and his sister get to decide that you're the unpaid help?
1. You should be getting paid for your caregiving.
or
2. This should be extremely short term until you can get a needs assessment from Social Services in your area and get MIL into the right level of care, using HER assets.
In the meantime, if she falls, becomes confused, call 911 and have her taken to the ER and hopefully admitted to the hospital. Then you'll have the advantage of using the discharge planners to arrange for her care.
Stop being a doormat. No one can take advantage of you if you don't allow them to.
Happy Thanksgiving!
yeah, that's the culture in my husbands family, especially since when he and his sister talk to their mother on the phone she's is emphatic. "I'm not going to no home". So it's expected for ALL members of the family to pitch in for family, including children, which is laughable seeing how her ACTUAL offspring can't seem to be bothered.
I was kinda bitchy and sleep deprived Sat Night after My husband and his sister ganged up on me for not asking my kids to take a more prominent role, and texted both of them (because I knew I would yell at them, and I refuse to engage when the situation is heated like that) , they should not JUDGE me unless they have actually spent a week with their mother, with no other additional help.
I sent an email to the Council of Aging in my county this morning asking if they could point me in the right direction for some respite care or maybe an in home assessment for what might be available in hopes of a compromise. That's all I can do right now. The holidays....
Which by the way.. MiL has NO idea it's Thanksgiving ... I told her. "Happy Thanksgiving" and she thinks that's next month.
I'll find a way to soldier through this weekend, but come Monday, I'm making phone calls to get either the Council of Aging in here, or Social Services, and I'm not going to sugar coat, ANYTHING. (which is another thing her offspring tend to do) "She's just forgetful" "She's just restless at night" "She just misses our father and is lonely".
Them sugar coating the situation is what landed me here... Someone, somewhere is GOING to hear the actual fact come Monday. and I pray, that I find the right resources.
When my children were young (3 under the age of 4 1/2) I thought I had to say yes to my husband and mother in law's every order.
When my youngest was 5 days old, I was told we needed to drive 2 hours to a family party. I took a deep breath and said "No thank you, baby and I are staying home. I'm sure DH and the girls will have a lovely time". ((That was after several years of therapy).
There was a lot of screaming and yelling and "what will people think" (um. That I'm a new mom with an unimmunized baby and 100 people at a party?). Everyone was angry but no one died. I learned that I could survive not being poplular.
A note from my doctor would have been a bandaid. Being assertive and knowing I could advocate for my own needs has been a lifelong skill that I needed to develop.
I think what I needed was to hear from outsiders that my space/needs are IMPORTANT too. I already sacrifice so much just being a mother of two teenage boys and a husband on the road. (I'm basically a single mom 28 days a month)
I just needed to hear, what I already felt, that even though I don't mind chipping in, I was not being selfish for not making my ENTIRE life about taking care of HER life.
Now to have the courage to follow through, I'm actually glad I found this site. Because it gives me a perspective that I feel will be needed and highly sought after in the coming months/years.
I kept an eye on her last night in bed, and her breathing got more labored and progressively worse. to the point she was panting like a dog, and could not talk well.
I told her, "Mom, the fact your breathing is keeping you from carrying a conversation is NOT good, I'm going to call someone because neither of us know what we're doing here".
I called 911, the dispatcher sent a fire rescue/ambulance truck. The two guys came in listened, took the oxygen thing GardenArtist mentioned. it was 92. The guys says it was consistent with someone who was having a generalized panic attack. They gave her some oxygen for a few moments, and took her blood pressure while sitting down and then again while standing up. They were VERY concerned over those results. They wanted to take her in to hydrate/evaluate her heart pressures. But she didn't want to go. I said she really needs to go. I was asked by the two guys. "Has she been declared incompetent?" "Does anyone have durable power of attorney". To which I said, "Let me call her daughter".
I called my SiL in NJ, and gave the phone to the guy. He asked her the same questions. and I assume she said she had POA, because they guy said, "Ok, can you meet us here with that paperwork?" . There was more talk, then he said "Yes, I understand your position, but we can not confirm anything you are saying, you could be anyone on the phone, unless you can produce that paperwork, we are obligated to follow the wishes of the patient, which she has emphatically declined our services."
There was more talking then the guy tells her "I understand, but may I offer an opinion, it is irresponsible to place your mother with a caregiver who can not produce any proper paperwork, or be able to make any decisions about care.. Your sister in law made a care choice, and rightly so given her pressures, your mother needs further evaluation. but your sister in law is not in any capacity to make those care choices reality."
He went further and told her " I can see this is new territory to everyone involved, and this is not judgement, but for the sake of your mother, you need to get your ducks in a row, appoint a guardian, gather the proper paperwork and have them available in the future if our services are needed again, as it stands unless she is unresponsive we are legally required to honor the wishes of the patient".
I told him that I had planned to contact Osceola Council of Aging on Monday (you know holidays) he told me that sounded like a great idea. That I was horribly new at this caregiving aspect, and he told me to not beat myself up, I was doing just fine, that as far as he could see I was taking excellent care of her. He told me to stay on SiL to get someone in the household appointed guardian. He also told me to keep a notebook with the date, time, and their rig number and their names. He said that when suggested services are declined, they are required to write a detailed report about the incident, that I should keep a record of all calls for care, so that in the future I can not be held liable for non care allegations or etc.
I'm starting to think, this caring for her is going to KILL me, I've had a terrible bout of acid reflux since the paramedics left last night. I fell asleep for my standard 2hr shift between her crazy night time antics, and I literally woke up unable to breathe, it was like somehow acid came up my throat and went down my lungs. It was the most horrible experience.
Thanks for listening, and allowing me to express the frustrations of my life. I really do appreciate being able to just share what my life is like right now.
LISTEN to your heart, and mostly to the sage advice offered by those who are weighing in on your dilemma.
I too, was "roped in" to taking care of my FIL during his last year of life. I wasn't currently working (still had 2 very hostile teenage daughters living at home at the time) and my hubby travels extensively for his work. I don't even know how it actually happened--FIL got really bad--and the next thing I know I am hotfooting it out to his place 3xs a day to feed him, coerce him into a shower and cleaning up incontinence accidents.
Hubby decided that we should just bring his dad here. OMgosh--my girls lost it. They loved their gpa, but his presence would have been just too much, 24/7. They BOTH said, "if you need to move g-pa in, that's fine. we're leaving". I don't think they were selfish--they were self-preserving.
Dad had money for an ALF, he lied and told us he was next to impoverished. I kept up the 3 times a day runs to his place for several months. No thanks from hubby or his sis or brother, no asking how he was---just a constant grind that felt like it wouldn't end.
I too felt "diminished" and shut down, as if the fact that I was at that time a SAHM, meant nothing. Those two last kids almost killed me, emotionally, they were so hard to deal with, as teens. Add an elderly, very sick man and zero help from anywhere...
You do need to stuck up for yourself. In therapy I learned that I chronically do for others due to a low sense of self worth--and I am still working on that, not functioning and "doing" out of guilt.
Your MIL should be in a home, you should be allowed to live your life, spend what time you need with your family, AND help out with her care, when YOU deem it appropriate.
If hubby won't talk to you, in a manner that is reflective of respect for you---walk out. Let him know you're taking the boys on a short trip, tell him he can manage his mother and leave. While this is maybe kind of manipulative--it also may wake your hubby up to the fact you are doing all the things and he is not even aware how hard his mother is. This is what I had to do to get my hubby to realize that he did NOT have stewardship over me! I didn't have to go anywhere, he realized I meant business and didn't press the FIL moving in with us issue.
Looking back, I did not know how many agencies there were who could have helped with FIL. I was a lot younger and just didn't know what I know now.
Hang in there!!
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