I find myself in a complicated situation with my mom, and I am just not sure what to tackle first. My mom, who has always been incredibly independent, has shown signs of dementia for the past couple of years, although she continues to live independently in a town in Indiana, where she moved when I was already an adult. She has been managing on her own, but on my recent visit, I began to worry more intensively about her. While her house is very clean, and she manages most ADLs (with a bit less bathing than may be ideal), her short term memory has gotten a lot worse. She truly believes that there is nothing wrong with her, and refuses all assistance I attempt to provide. I live in New York with my husband, and am not very familiar with the town she is in. I also don't drive (I know), which means that I feel a lot like a 12 year old when I visit her, and have yet to make any meaningful moves to help her. She occasionally agrees to sign a POA, but will disagree the moment it comes to go to a notary. She does not have a Primary Care physician and my various schemes to get her to a doctor have failed royally and painfully.
This, alone, would be difficult enough, but there is more. My mom has been renting her 1 bedroom house from friends who own it, and have rented it out at a reduced rate. They are now selling the house, and are willing to sell it to me, but it appears that any of the mortgage options that I could actually afford would require my mom to be the primary borrower, and me to sign on as a co-borrower. Obviously, I have a lot of qualms about this.
We are working toward getting my mom to move in with us, although that will require a move on our part as we live in a very small one bedroom apartment at the moment. We figure that we will have to move to somewhere in the suburbs to make a comfortable environment for my mom, but unfortunately, all of the rich people in NYC moved out there during the pandemic, and rent prices are incredibly high. My husband is an immigrant, who has recently gotten his dream job, and it is really important for him to remain in the position, so we would need to be within a 90 minute commute range to continue to work (and since our rent will at least double, we will both need to keep our jobs). Also, my mom adamantly refuses to move in with us, as she feels that she is of perfectly sound mind and health.
I am an only child, and was raised only by my mom (who is also an only child), so I don't really have anyone to help me (besides my husband and his family). Does anyone have any ideas? Should I work to be a co-buyer on her house, so that she doesn't have to undergo a transition and push harder for in home care? Should I somehow kidnap her and drag her to an apartment I can barely afford on the East Coast? I'm feeling very lost right now!
Do NOT comingle your finances.
Do NOT move your mom to NYC right now.
Call the local Area Agency om Aging in her County in Indiana and explain the situation to them. The need to do a "needs assessment" (it would be best if you could fax them a list of your recent observations abouy twhat she can and can't do independently) and they need to set up "case management" services.
Start there.
She does not want this right now.
You say she is not diagnosed with dementia.
You might have to wait on any helpful plans, and allow her to make her own plans separate from you and your husband.
A couple things to consider:
1. You were concerned about your mom’s ability to live independently before the moving issue arose. So her being able to stay in that house will not fix the real problem.
2. Your mom does not want to move in with you. Yet you are planning a huge and financially onerous disruption in your lives to make room for her. And in your (new) home, she will still not be able to function and you and husband will be working.
I point this out only to suggest these options — which will be burdensome to you but you are willing to do for your mom — will not work.
So what to do? I agree the Area Agency on Aging (which I have no experience with) is a good first step. They can help direct you to options.
Your mom will not be happy. Who would? But we cannot turn back the clock. Her reality has changed. And you cannot fix that.
(And do not under any circumstances co-sign that loan. The bank wants 2 of you on the hook. Your mom sounds like she’s not capable of managing to pay the bill. You’ll wind up with the same problems you have now plus a mortgage payment, in my opinion.)
Bringing her to live with you after only being married for 2 years, kind of iffy. Not too bad if you plan on placing her if things get rough. And they will. Just had lunch with a woman who is caring for a friend who lives with her. The woman won't bath, won't take her pills, won't go to the doctors, is nasty and mad all the time. The woman can no longer care for her but feels guilty because she needs to place her in an AL. The woman is so burnt out and stressed she can't sleep and is losing weight. She is 75 her friend 85.
Don't be a signatory on the loan - very bad idea.
I wouldn't recommend your mother move in with you, if she is diagnosed with dementia of one kind or another you are looking at long unrelenting days and nights as the disease progresses - just read the postings on this site of burned out care givers. You can still be a care-giver if mom is placed in the appropriate facility. You'd be her advocate making sure her needs are met.
I have inlaws and outlaws in the NYC and northeast/east coast and know how pricy things are. Once mom is evaluated and you know what her abilities are maybe you can look in your community or within a reasonable commute distance for her to live - in Independent Living or Assisted Living/AL Memory Care.
You could also look in her area for facility to meet her needs but there again you would be a far distance from her - probably a more affordable option for her. You wouldn't be able to just drop in and check that the facility is meeting her needs - but you could be in contact with them over phone or virtual meetings.
If you mom is deemed competent and she refuses to cooperate there will be nothing you can do. If she is deemed incompetent and has not signed the POA and refuses to cooperate then more hoops to jump through.
Get educated of what you have ahead and stay in touch with this group. There are subjects on this site and other sites. I wish you and your family the best of luck.
Our hope is to be able to get her assessed and apply for Medicaid, so that she can get in home help/possibly adult day care while she lives with us. I also know the hurdles ahead if she is declared incompetent--I am just all alone trying to get my mom with dementia to comply, which, as I'm sure you know... is pretty tough.
In any case, the consensus seems to be to attempt an assessment. I predict that she will refuse it, but it's definitely worth a shot!
The first thing to do SHOULD be to talk to your mother about her longer term plans. She is probably hoping to die suddenly and painlessly in her sleep (aren’t we all?), but that isn’t so likely these days – hypertension medication has usually fixed it. So tell her that the norm is to live for a very very long time, with increasing physical problems. Ask her for her plans. Tell her that many many people refuse to provide a POA, then leave it too late to make or implement the decisions themselves. See if she will make a plan ready for when it's needed, that doesn’t involve messing up all your lives right now. That may help her to be comfortable about making the decisions now, without feeling that it all has to be done immediately.
An assessment would be good. AL in Indiana might be good – you could find the websites, and visit with her on your next visit. Seeing it makes it easier to think about. And remember, if your mother’s issues are currently minor, she is legally and practically able to make her own decisions. You can’t force her to do anything. All you can do is stop worrying yourself, your husband and her. Good luck, Margaret
PS It's not a bad idea to learn to drive. My son-in-law didn't because he lived in London and didn't need a car. Now my daughter has to do all the driving. It's a skill that you may need at short notice.
My mom's issues are definitely more severe than just misplacing her car keys, or just having issues with her short term memory, for that matter. I guess I minimized her symptoms in my initial post to get to the crux of her housing dilemma. She is also very low income (she relies solely on her social security check), so something like AL is most likely out of reach for us, but I will try to get her an assessment, and work on overcoming my fear of driving:).
Now, I don’t know financials and what can or can’t be afforded, but if she is happy living alone, and your husband just got his spanking new job, I’d be hesitant to change anything too drastically too fast.
If you both can afford the house, I would buy it, That’s what we did for my MIL (well, it was a condo). We paid the mortgage, but she paid the condo fees, so it worked.
If you are worried about her, see if you can hire a PSW. Every organization is different, so you might find one where someone comes in for just an hour a day. That would probably be affordable, and give you a lot of peace of mind.
Assuming you go ahead with the house, I would then try to convince her to do a POA. She would be less of a target for scams.
Now, another alternative would be that you and her buy a house (or a condo) closer to you. A condo would mean no stairs, no slippery driveway in winters, and if it’s a condo for elderly people, she’d probably be getting a lot more activity with peers.
The sale of the house is difficult because it’s ultimately pushing you to make a change and a decision. However, I’ve always found that these sudden changes were more or less for the best.
Talking about plans for the future is still a good idea, and less threatening than ‘now’. In the short term, she ought to have thought about what she is going to do when her house is sold. Either the purchasers will want it for themselves, or the rent will probably go up. If she has a plan for 'now', you don't really need the POA immediately. Linking the POA to 'now' is probably a lot for her to swallow.
I’m sure you’ve read posts where there is a resistant parent, and no option except to wait for a hospital admission and then shout ‘unsafe discharge’. If her mind is still reasonably sharp, talking facts about the future, and options for it, might stop her putting it in the ‘too hard’ basket. Best wishes, Margaret
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