My mom called me distressed that they were moving. My brother told her she had 30 days to pack. When I couldn’t reach her, I tried talking to my brother. He tried to pretend he hadn’t sold the home. When I told him that mom said they were moving, he told me it was none of my business where they were going to live. He has cut off all contact and I live four hours away. I tried to visit and he wouldn’t answer door. I called and texted. No reply. I did a wellness check. Officer reported that my mom said she doesn’t want to see or talk to me. This is after calling me and talking to me the night before.
She chose my brother to be POA. I accept I can’t make anyone see or talk to me. My main concern is my brother’s plan to live in an RV with no permanent address with my mom who has several health problems and was diagnosed with stage 1 dementia last year.
I feel like I lost my mom overnight and yet I know she is alive. I have filed an APS report but I don’t think much will come of it because my understanding is my mom can refuse help.
What a distressing situation! I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your mom.
How is a chronically ill and now demented woman going to ramrod around in an RV? What about her medical appointments? What about if she starts wandering at the nearest KOA or worse yet the side of some derelict street?
Her money is to provide for her actual care. Going camping forever is not adequate care in anyone's definition.
Even so, it isn't easy - when a person is materially and emotionally so dependent on one caregiver, it is very, very difficult for him or her to tell outsiders when something is wrong. Say, just for example and I don't want to be alarmist, that your mother told your brother she'd called you and he was furious about it (not even necessarily furious with her, just furious), that would be much on her mind when the friendly social worker turned up and asked if she wanted contact with you.
Is there anyone else you can turn to? - other family members, friends, old friends of your mother's?
Before your mother called you to announce the move, how often were you in touch with her and/or brother?
Living in an RV? I love our camper but living alone permanently with my mom with dementia in it would be a NIGHTMARE.
I'm just trying to retrace the steps and see if it's possible to identify what's got into him. Resentment of being overloaded - and this only an example, I don't mean this is anything you've done! - can fester away unexpressed for years and then blow up in everyone's face.
Another faint bell that's ringing is your mother's stating that your brother broke her phone on purpose. Mm. Perhaps he did. Or perhaps... nothing of the sort. Unfounded and/or paranoid accusations are another issue that has driven many a strong caregiver to drink, or lunacy.
Or, could he have spent all the money and be trying to escape an audit by selling the house and scattering the cash?
When the old friend stated your mother is in good hands... she didn't want to elaborate on that at all, did she? It would be helpful to know in what way!
My mom was not forthcoming about the phone. I asked several times about how it broke before she told me. I realize that it is just her word. However, my brother does have an explosive temper and it wouldn’t be the first thing he has broke.
I don’t know his intentions other than he wants to buy and RV and live in it and has told that to others.
My mom’s friend won’t elaborate and she won’t tell me why. We have had a texting relationship and I have known her for years but it seems that now that as long as my brother is caring for my mom, it doesn’t concern her that my brother is keeping my mom from talking to me. I was hoping she would at least be willing to tell my mom that I love her and miss her.
I suppose he has resentments but he refused all help I have offered including me taking care of mom by having her visit so he could have a break. He refused the practical help I offered when I was there.
I know that I can only hope in the future he reaches out to me and lets me have contact with her. There is no recourse for me when he is her POA and lives with her and controls her movements. Soon I will not even have an address for her residence.
Thank you for asking. My main post was how to cope with this sudden loss of contact and dealing with the unknown about how she is doing. If you have anything to suggest, please share.
I think that you have exhausted the resources that exist for connection to your Mom. I do wonder about her calls to you that are filled with distress and I would purchase at once a recorder to record said calls in future if you plan to pursue this.
I think you are left with writing that you would always want to contact your Mother, that you hope you will be able to, that you are always open even to monitored visits, that if there is anything you can humanly do to help in future to please let you know. It sounds otherwise as though you have done what you can. Best to you, and I am sorry you are going through this.
The P.I. will be able to track where (or if) an RV has been purchased, what forwarding address your brother has given (banks, RV dealerships, the real estate agent who sold the house, the IRS etc all require a current address), if the RV will be permanently moored in a particular RV park s/he can find that out, the vehicle registration number, and so on. The fact that you have already alerted APS and the police will show the P.I. that you aren’t some sneaky dangerous weirdo but rather a concerned family member who is already taking recommended steps.
Unfortunately your POA brother may continue to block your access to your mom, but if a P.I. can determine where they’re living (permanent campground, or whatever) you can keep better tabs on her from afar, and then perhaps befriend her new neighbors so you have a way to discreetly check on her without your brother blocking access.
You may feel you don’t have the money to hire a private investigator, but I urge you to do so even if you have to take out a loan. The future mental, emotional, and monetary cost of NOT having any idea where your mother is is far more costly than paying a professional right now to track where brother and mother have gone or are going. If they haven’t yet moved, the P.I. could simply follow their RV when they drive away from the house for the last time, and track where they go to.
Good luck. You and your mom are in really tough and undeserved situation.
My in-laws chose their youngest son because he was a banker. Wrong choice! We went through hell for several years because they were in control. Mom might have chosen him for those kinds of reasons.
Your mothers welfare is definitely your business. Have the welfare checks, and take it from there. If they see something that is off, he could be liable.
I have a question...is it possible he's using her money? If so, that's elder abuse. He HAS to use her money for HER. Please let us know how it's going!
Do something now before it’s too late! Contact an elder lawyer.
Your story sounds so similar to mine & I didn’t get to see my mom for 5 years. By the time I contacted a lawyer he had all my mom’s documents changed to benefit himself 100% & he’s the one that contacted the lawyer to do it.
I finally got to see her during the last month of her life but she didn’t even know me anymore.
APS does nothing if your mom says everything is fine. I filed numerous reports to no avail and the police said it was a civil matter.
Please don’t wait any longer….best wishes to you
Of course it was a challenge that many found easier having a smaller place to keep the routine.
It was a benefit in that they could follow nice weather and never had to shovel snow or worry about falls on ice for any of them.
Depending on the situation this could be a good thing for both of them.
You can send a letter to mom and request on the envelope forwarding service requested, I think that's the term used, the USPS will forward the letter and send you the address it was forwarded to. Anyways, be sure and ask for the correct term to get this service.
I wouldn't address any issues, just a nice how are you, love you, miss you, here's my number and address, look forward to hearing from you soon type contact.
They had doctors at home base and every community has medical care.
I think it is a different lifestyle and it doesn't work for everyone but, it is doable even with pretty serious medical issues.
Definitely not good unless you have standard Medicare and a supplemental policy. No Medicare advantage plans!
If brother is a difficult neighbor at a mobile home or RV site, that can bring some police and social services (including APS) attention. Sometimes just knowing that police and APS are aware/concerned can reduce brother's worst behaviors.
I want to focus on a few things you mentioned: that your brother “has always lived with her” (dysfunctional dependency). That he has an explosive temper (makes constructive conversations impossible). That you have a small family (no relatives helping to keep an eye on things or call him out). And that the broken phone happened in the context of him refusing visits and then up and ghosting you with your mom in tow. This isolation is elder abuse - it doesn’t even matter if your mom was ambivalent about you - what your brother is doing is abusive and coercive. With his temper I’m sure even you are walking on eggshells to avoid setting him off - it is unrealistic for a dependent, frail elder with dementia to stand up to him. No way your mom would risk angering him to allow APS to interview her alone, or that she will say one word against him to neighbors (who of course also don’t want to get involved because they live next to him!). You are likely being scapegoated and your brother is exerting undue influence. I have been on the receiving end of distress calls like the one you got from your mom. Your situation is HEARTBREAKING and extremely difficult to navigate. I like the idea of a PI to help you gather more information. Keep calling APS although they are fairly toothless. Check out your county and other nearby county court websites to find out if your brother has any legal proceedings against him (even in the past - motive to steal your mom’s money), and definitely talk to a lawyer with experience in elder abuse. But here is the sad thing - court proceedings are extremely costly, especially if contested, and if your mom is under your brother’s thumb he will feed her a stream of lies that could completely destroy your relationship. But since he has effectively terminated it that really isn’t a decision factor. So the issue is, will your mom get the care she needs and will her resources be used to support HER? That is still worth fighting for, even if she hates you for it. It is tough being the only functioning adult in the family. You may be alternating between intense sadness, anger and serious fear for her welfare. Best of luck and please keep us posted.
I hope to try to get my brother to be more forthcoming on plans and location when I see him. I wrote this original post in the shock of the house sale 2/4 since he told me he planned to stay there the night before 2/3 and loss of contact with my mom the week following. (Her phone is now lost so all calls must go to my brother’s phone.)
I am torn because my mom has lived with my brother for all these years and has grown so dependent on him. Whenever I ask her a basic question, she says she needs to talk it over with my brother. Today when I talked to her she said she wouldn’t mind living in an RV for a while. They are putting possessions in storage and my brother said he was planning on renting a house.
I will update this thread after I see her. Again, thank you for advice. I hadn’t thought of a PI. APS is still doing covid protocol and only trying to contact by phone. Newdawn
Can I ask a question? Does your brother work or does your mother support him?
I ask this because if such is the case, if he's off spending her money buying an RV for them and making all these grand plans, at some point he will have to answer for it. Like when he can't take care of her on the road and needs to put her in a care facility. Medicaid isn't just going to say okay. He will have to produce the money he's spending. He's the POA. Does he know this?
I'm very sorry to say, but your brother is the one holding all the cards here. You did the right thing having the cops do a wellness check and filing a report with APS. That's about all you can do.
Your brother probably works on your mother by saying all kinds of untrue lies about you. Her having dementia will tell the cops whatever he says. The plan to live in an RV with no permanent address and take an elderly person who has numerous health problems and dementia is a bad idea. I'm pretty sure that plan your brother has made will not last very long.
I think there are many things being left out of this story and we could have a case of trolling here.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-brother-lives-with-my-80-year-old-mom-and-has-poa-but-doesnt-let-her-talk-to-me-there-is-an-open--473151.htm?orderby=recent