I’ve been dealing with a challenging situation for the past year. My mother-in-law moved in with us under the impression that it would be temporary. Due to health reasons but has been healed for over 6 months. It was initially meant to be a short-term arrangement, but it has become long-term. Since her move, our family life has significantly changed. We used to be a close-knit family of three (my husband, our 9-year-old son, and me), but now our privacy is non-existent. My mother-in-law often yells at my son more than necessary and closely monitors everything we do, as her room is centrally located. She tells me how to parent an example would be; the other night my son was mad he had to get off his game so he was throwing a little fit. I went to go in his room and she yelled at me to stop and let him fuss. Her parenting was a joke from what her son has told me. I feel like I am shouldering all household responsibilities alone, which I never minded when it was just us 3, life was happy then. She has even started asking me to do things for my husband before he can even speak for himself, which makes me uncomfortable. Her presence has also led to tension between my husband and me. He spends more time at work and seems to be struggling with the situation too. I’m worried about the effect on our son, who seems to be more stressed and disconnected from his father. Additionally, my mother-in-law has her own house that she still pays for and her daughter and other grandchildren elsewhere, and I feel she’s becoming increasingly dependent on us. I’m concerned about my mental health and my son’s well-being. I don’t have a strong support network and am unsure how to address this with my husband, who can be difficult when discussing sensitive topics. I’m contemplating whether separation might be the only solution, but I’m unsure if that’s the best course of action. Has anyone experienced a similar situation? How did you handle it, and what strategies did you use to cope or resolve the issues? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
It's time for her to go back home or into Assisted Living. This situation has to end very soon.
It's past time for a "come to Jesus" meeting with your husband and MIL, and set a time frame that your MIL will either go back home, with paid(by her)in-home help, or in an assisted living.
This is so very unfair to your young son, and your husband now has to put on his big boy pants and stand up for his wife and child and get his mother out.
And if he doesn't....well that's a whole other story, and separation/divorce may have to be the next step.
I do hope that your husband will be man enough to do what is right by you and your son.
Why is he afraid of her ? If he’s uncomfortable why hasn’t he told her to leave ? It was a temporary arrangement , so it should not be a shock that it’s time she goes . You and your child should be his priority . Go to marriage counseling . Your husband needs a reality check .
Also your MIL is in YOUR home . She does not dictate how things are done . Tell her that .
It’s not clear from your post whether or not Mil’s own house is empty or is occupied by “her daughter and other grandchildren elsewhere”. If it’s close to you, I’d suggest that you buy a bag of groceries, take it and MIL around to her own house, leave her there, then go home. Turn off your phone. If necessary, change the locks on your house - you can let DH into your house yourself. That does the deed with no discussion.
Sometimes it’s easier to talk about something that’s already done, than to bring up what ‘ought to be done’. "She comes back, I leave". To be honest, I'd leave your son with DH to increase the pressure (you can let son know in advance why, and that it's temporary). DH will find it impossible to dodge this one.
This is something everyone with children should consider before walking out without the kids.
If she will not go then consider moving YOURSELF into her home so she and your hubby can enjoy YOUR home.
If that doesn't work contact your preference of a divorce attorney or an eviction attorney.
I literally laughed out loud when I read what you wrote,
Her husband called and told her to bring her posterior home. Granddad had her number and told grandma that he knew she was getting on everyone's nerves at this point.
Granddad sent money for a bus ticket. Grandma packed her bag and dad took her to the bus station. There is nothing worse than a meddling and cranky mother in-law to contend with.
You can blame it on work - if you're not currently working, tell her that you've gotten a job where you'll be working from home and the bedroom will be turned into your home-office. Or, if you're currently working, you can tell her that you'll still be turning the room into a home-office for the days you're working remotely. Or, your husband needs to turn the room into his home-office since he works overtime. Anyway, the room needs to be used for something!
Wishing you all the best!
I should have mentioned that when my FIL a passed away she gave each of her sons $$$$. Then she split her bank accounts between her two sons. I told my BIL DO NOT spend that money it’s not yours and if she needs LTC Medicaid will come looking for that money. Well of course BIL didn’t listen spent all the money and MIL’s health started to decline. I dodged the bullet because I saw it coming and made up every excuse I could to stop her from coming here. I knew if she was here and she had a medical issue we’d be majorly screwed. So BIL and SIL got stuck dealing with everything because she was there when she fell in the bathroom and fractured both her knees after sliding in talcum powder they told her not to use! That was my worst fear that my daughters and I would end up being her caretaker because I knew my husband wouldn’t do a damn thing to help!
MIL passed away at 93 a year ago April but she really fractured our family and things are still not even close to being right. I have a lot of resentment towards my MIL and towards my husband because he didn’t honor his marriage vows and cleave to his wife! I get that he would have been fine with my mom being here BUT I would have taken care of her without a question and wouldn’t have shirked my duties like he would have. When you live with someone for decades you know them and you know their abilities to cope with caregiving. My husband would have run the other way instead of changing anyones diaper, or cleaning up vomit … My BIL on the other hand did that and more … any wonder why his wife was ok with it and I wasn’t?
So Sadie, my advice to you is get your MIL out before you really have a bigger problem than you do now. What happens if she gets sick? Are you ready to take on that role? Is your husband? Remember the longer she stays the more settled she’ll be and the harder it will be to show her the EXIT sign!
Unless you want to be enslaved & belittled, you must rise up, restore yourself as rightful Queen & banish the elder one.
I don't mean to trivialise or demonize. Mother's in law get enough bad rap.. But this situation pops up a LOT.
One Queen must rule.
This is accomplished by some hard chats. Be polite but FIRM.
Hard Chat #1. With Husband.
Time is up. Our GIFT of short-term accom for your Mother is now up.
Move her on. Back to her home or onto a sibling. But OUT.
Your Mom - your job. Start it.
Hard Chat #2. With MIL.
Sit down & present as a combined force. This is important. Some self-centered Mothers will attempt to stay #1 woman in their son's life Way Too Long. It needs to be crystal clear.. this is your marital home. MIL is a GUEST. Staying with your family was a GIFT. You came together when needed (that's what family is for) but now it is time to spread out again. That is healthy & respectful.
Plan your chats. Choose your style.
Pick a calm time to start as strong emotions can be unleashed. Be prepared for this to be process. (It would be amazing if one chat did it!)
A date night meal out with your husband would be a great starting point. Not even to chat about MIL but to reconnect. Plan a weekend away, take your son. To reconnect the 3 of you. Remind your Husband what familylife of 3 was like!
Then have a few date nights with your Husband. Start the chat about MIL. Make your plans together.
Until recent years, my MIL was a rock in my life and a mother figure because my own mother was such a bad mother (narcissist). I have loved MIL for nearly my whole life. She's changed since her husband died and has become a very difficulty person. For awhile, I was getting really frustrated and even angry at her because she was making my husband miserable by being childish and irrational. I finally realized I could turn my frustration into something constructive by taking on the bad guy role. Since then, I have found my frustration and anger have subsided and I am in a position to say the hard things to make things easier on Hubs, and on his brother and SIL.
We have learned the fine art of good guy/bad guy. Although I am the one to go face to face with my mother (or he with his), if I need to tell her something unpleasant, I strengthen my statements by saying "Hubs and I...". Her mind immediately makes him the bad guy because "surely her precious daughter wouldn't deny her own mother what she wants in her old age", but she's less likely to resist than if she thinks it's just me asking and she can manipulate me easier. We learned this as I was beginning to care for my mother, and it has carried over to care for my MIL. Where Hubs and his brother need to be able to keep lines of communication with their mom so they can steer her properly, I can be bluntly honest with her ("If you really love your sons, you'll take better care of yourself so they don't walk in and find you dead on the floor. Now let me give you your insulin"). She doesn't like it, and she doesn't like me very much (even though I know she loves me), but by somebody besides them speaking truth to her, they can negotiate with her better.
We recently went to a fashion show at MIL's AL, and after it was over, the families gathered with their dolled-up LO's for pictures. I was slow getting over there for my family and the director tried to get them to hold so I could jump in the picture. MIL said "She doesn't need to be in the picture". The director, a friend of mine, was standing near me and started to scold my MIL, but I stopped her and said quietly "It's okay. The good DIL is in the picture. I'm the evil DIL" and laughed. The other DIL took on a lot of MIL's daily care before she went to AL. My role has been to be the meanie and that means I don't make MIL happy a lot of times, but by being the bad guy, I give Hubs, BIL, and SIL an anchor to hold on to when they are trying to deal with MIL and she is giving them grief.
The key for us though, is communication between ourselves. I don't say or do unpleasant things with MIL if they aren't going to steer her to be more amenable to dealing with things I know Hubs and the others are trying to resolve. I also always make sure I am not speaking to her in anger because through it all, I do really love her and I don't want to hurt her unless it is for her own good.
However, I wouldn't have being more agreeable and staying as an option; I would say that MiL has to go!
I’d say the biggest realization we’ve had, is how quickly other family have stepped back and stopped socializing and showing their concern. We aren’t a nursing home, and she has many local relatives that could lean in more, not on her diaper changes and medication management and stuff we assumed, but you know just calling or visiting their mom. But they only seem to do that on birthdays or Mother’s Day…when we would actually like a break! It’s hard, thankless work. If you can’t see yourself doing this for the next few years…address it now. God bless!
So the point is... its your house and if you want peace and don't like what is going on you will need to take a stand. If MIL can take care of herself she will move if she doesn't like your conditions. Husband needs to wake up.
I have to say that I am NOT a patient person, and am not afraid to speak up...rather loudly. If she started telling me what to do I would let her know right away, and in no uncertain terms that she either keeps her opinions to herself, or you would be happy to take her back to her own home.
Personally, if she can care for herself, I would opt for just taking her to her home regardless.
Do you have family you and your son could stay with for a few weeks to let your husband see what it would be like to deal with her by himself? That might be an option to get him to see it your way....?
Seems that MIL has done what is described as "nesting", meaning she has become comfortable where she is at. It may be tough to get her out.
You could really do with assertiveness training!
It's sad that you don't feel able to speak with your husband and that, rather than have a difficult conversation, you are thinking about separating.
We teach our children by example. Right now, you and your husband are teaching your son that adults hide from problems, that they allow others to walk over them, that their wellbeing isn't important and that his parents don't care enough about him to make sure his grandmother isn't mean to him.
You need to steel yourself and confront your MiL. When you're alone, tell her that you've found a nice AL for her to move to, seeing as she isn't able to move back home. Tell her that you have made an appointment for her to look round it in the next week. When she says she doesn't need that or want that, feign surprise and say, "Okay, we'll take you home next weekend".
Forget talking to your husband first - he's clearly incapable of standing up to his mum. Tell him, when he gets home from work, that your MiL is going home because she doesn't feel that she needs any help now.
It will cause a ruckus, but is that really any worse than what you're dealing with?
You can't keep running away from the situation - it's making you unhappy and causing your son emotional issues. You need to be a family again. And you need to stand up for yourself and your family (as does your husband, but he hasn't asked for advice).
I was fortunate enough to go on an assertiveness course run by a charitable organisation that helps people back into work after illness. However, there are self help books on the subject and other information online.
I also think that CBT and building resilience can help with becoming stronger and more assertive.
Do whatever you can to be more confident and in charge of your life. You deserve that and so does your son.
It is very difficult to move them out. They will be angry and guilt trip you. Your husband needs to grow a backbone and you need to be there to support him when you both tell her that she will move back into her house. This is unsustainable and your son’s mental health and well-being should come first. Arrange for a caregiver and your son needs to tell his sister to start stepping up either financially or emotionally with more visits to mom’s house. This cannot fall entirely on your shoulders. I've had enough with my own mother. I certainly wouldn't make this sort of sacrifice for a MIL.
Send her home!
look at options
if she stays your marriage will break up
your hubby needs to support you otherwise end result is a no win situation for you
speak to hubby explain. It was short term and her presence is now causing too much stress for everyobe
she needs assisted care
which you’re unable to provide n must consider the health of your family suffering.
bear in mind this is your hubby’s mother and he will be torn in two by this decision
the correct adult decision is to accept you and family have made sacrifices and it is now detrimental to their health and to the family who’s dynamics have changed due to the stress. Let’s hope your husband is emotionally mature enough to make the right decision
mother in law needs to go- it’s not her house or her place to interfere with your children
I would look into care options and prepare mil house then announce we are moving you back tomorrow sort of thing so there’s no extended drama
get care organised
you have been a saint
Make it a minor tradition. Have a Father-Son only fun days too. Work on getting MIL out but don’t mention that every time. Have a mother-son fun day doing stuff you like to do too, but that he’ll enjoy also. That way he’ll see you’re taking care of yourself as well.
I say this because I had one sibling who was often awful to be around, and I didn’t like being around Mom either. The times I got to spend horsing around with just Dad are some of my best memories. We played ball, watched games, and ate food with lots of cheese. It was glorious.
Best of luck, and have some good times with your kid