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Lately, my husband has been quite persistent in trying to get me to bring him home for a "brief visit" as he described it. First, it was to go through his CDs and DVDs to pick-n-choose the ones he wants to bring back to MCF. Then it was to help me clean the bathrooms and floors in the house because I hate to do house cleaning. Then it was to take him to see his dentist and that we can then just stop by the house. I know these are his sly ways of trying to get back into the house. Once in, he won't go back out and return to the MCF.
I kept saying no, tried to deflect and redirect. But he kept coming back to why? I didn't want to say the obvious which is the fear of triggers and a relapse cuz that in of itself might trigger a relapse. Today, I finally said I don't want to discuss this any further because it's making me upset. He reluctantly let go, saying that he didn't want my blood pressure to go up.
I know I need to stay resolute but I so very much dread the next time he brings it up. So sad for the life we have to live through right now.

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It is sad, but you must stay resolute.
Bringing him home for a "brief visit" will only make things worse for you both, so next time he says he wants to go through his CD's and DVD's, tell him that you'll bring them to him next time you come. And when he offers to come clean the bathrooms tell him you've hired a cleaning lady to do that(even if you have to lie).
You must use now whatever little "fiblets" that will work to keep you both calm.
Dementia sucks, no ifs ands or buts, and we all do the very best we can under the circumstances, and you're doing a great job.
I wish you the very best as you walk this very difficult journey with your husband.
And remember...this too shall pass.
God bless you.
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SOS369 Jan 19, 2025
Thank you, @funkygrandma59! I've used everything you suggested. I just can't allow myself to cave under the weight of guilt. I know I need to say resolute. It's so hard.
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He's become fixated on the idea and is in a dementia loop. You're handling the situation perfectly. You've already tried the deflecting and redirection and that didn't work, so you are refusing to discuss the matter anymore. That's the right thing to do, and your husband is letting it go as you say.

I feel for you because it's sad when someone you love gets dementia and has to be put into care. You know you cannot let him come home
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AlvaDeer Jan 19, 2025
Yes. This.
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My heart goes out to you. Saying no in this situation is one of the hardest things to do.
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Reply to MG8522
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Try.."When the doctor says when I can bring you hope for a brief visit then we can talk about a good time"
Make sure that his doctor will not agree to not allowing him to return home for a visit.
I would also talk to the doctor about antianxiety medication for him.
After you leave does he remain upset about not going for a visit?
And does he talk to the staff about going home for a visit? If so they should also tell him that this is something that has to be discussed with the doctor.

How often do you visit? and for how long? If you are visiting often maybe drop a day and if you are there for a long time make the visit shorter.
I would also make sure he is involved with an activity before you leave. Either a meal or snack or a game maybe a movie. this will get his mind off you leaving and onto something else.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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SOS369 Jan 19, 2025
He has never displayed being upset nor vocalized about going home, except in the early days of placement. My visits have been random, 1 to 2x a week, staying no more than 2 hrs. I think recently I've started taking him outside for blood tests and immunization shots TDap and shingles. Hence, it seems he's getting too comfortable with going outside and started to have ideas about going home through the guise of a "brief visit." I know he longs to be home. Who doesn't?! But here we are, living a life we never asked for.
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Tell him that it isn't allowed by his facility, and that he can leave for medical appointments only.
If he continues then fall back on the "this is making me ill", get dizzy if you have to and ask the caregivers to take your blood pressure. If he reacts to upsetting you then, sadly, that's what you have to use.

This is all so individual and it comes down to "whatever works" and do know it may progress to the point where nothing works. At that point he will have to get that when this particular subject is broached you leave.

I'm so sorry. Has to be heartbreaking for you both.
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SOS369 Jan 19, 2025
Thanks, Alva! I do fear when nothing will work to thwart his pleas. I just hope he doesn't get explosive again and become combative. Responses have been very helpful by folks who get what we're going through. I'll keep those in my back pocket until I run out of methods.
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Keep in mind his behavior affects your health considerably. These guys will try every trick to weasel their way back in, while your health spirals downward. For example:

I had my Ex husband here 3 years (that was supposed to be 6 months), with no legal obligation to him. He got comfortable quickly, and started his past abusive behaviors and tantrums within a year. By then my home was his legal residence, and required him to be evicted to get him out! He was loving his "not lift a finger" vacation, while my retirement was spent cooking, cleaning, laundry, groceries, doctor appts, personal driver, babysitter and financial paperwork secretary. I was always exhausted, frustrated and miserable. By sheer determination, I got him a VA compensation award, and found him a fabulous place! He lives 4 miles away and I got my home back.

My point being...the past 3 years my blood pressure was staying at 150-160, even taking 2 medications to keep it there. A week after I got him out into a senior apartment, my blood pressure dropped to 114. It has stayed there since!
My Doctor is thrilled.

Burnt gave you excellent advice. You got this!
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Reply to Dawn88
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SOS369 Jan 19, 2025
@Dawn88
Glad your blood pressure got under control. I'm still working on mine. I was textbook good until my husband got sick 3 years ago with LBD. It got a little better after he was placed in MCF, but my bp never recovered, at least, not yet.
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I think “doctor says you are not allowed out without his approval”. Always easier to make someone else the bad guy /authority. I feel for you!
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Reply to Suzy23
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SOS369 Jan 19, 2025
Thanks. When he was placed and whenever he asked how long he needed to be there, my answer was "until you get better and that it was the doctor's order to keep you safe here until we can figure out what's going on with the disease." I've used the doctor as the "bad guy" many times already but he was still persistent, insisting that he's fine now and that "nothing bad" will happen if he visited home. I am heartbroken when I have to say no repeatedly.
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