How to deal with lonely 84 yr old & their boredom?

Newhere- how did you come to be her caregiver? Did you need a place to live? Were you unemployed?

Grandmother can refuse a homecare situation, it's her right, but it's not her right to make you her homecare provider or anyone else. You should leave this situation asap. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

The questions about why you are doing this and what is in it for you, are important. Self-sacrifice is not a good idea, and an 84 year old can live for another 15 years. However, assuming that this is where you are, you need to establish some boundaries. There is a great book actually called Boundaries (try your library for a free copy), but you can also work out your own. It should include some time on your own, as well as what you do for Grandma and what she does herself. Be aware that doing too much is NOT good for either of you. Grandma also needs to keep doing as much as she can, for the sake of her own independence and health.

At the moment, if she says "if you don't want to be here, leave!", take her at her word. Just say ‘OK I’m going out for 2 hours’, or ‘OK I’ll be reading in my room, call me if you want me’. Leaving doesn’t have to be forever.

Don’t expect too much appreciation from her. Many older people get to take out all their troubles on the person who is closest and doing most. You need to develop a tough skin to cope. Love, Margaret

To specifically answer your posted question: you are not responsible for your Grandmother's happiness. You do not need to be her entertainment committee. What would help you better engage with your grandmother is knowing if and how much cognitive/memory decline she has. What you describe as her "demeanor" sounds a lot to me like dementia behavior and/or depression/anxiety. If this is the case, is she being treated for her depression/anxiety? Because there are meds that will help her and it would be merciful for her to not have to exist in that mental state. It won't get better with time, only worse. If she has dementia then the following will help guide how you interact with her...

Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:

1) Agree, do not argue

2) Divert, do not attempt to reason

3) Distract, do not shame

4) Reassure, do not lecture

5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”

6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”

7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”

8) Ask, do not demand

9) Encourage, do not condescend

10) Reinforce, never force


The overall goal should be to:

Keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own).

You can create tasks for her: I have my 99-yr old aunt folding a large pile of kitchen towels and also sorting plastic utensils and colored poker chips. This gives people with dementia a sense of purpose, it uses up time and it burns both mental and physical energy so they may sleep better at night. You can come up with other tasks, like chopping vegetables, etc.

In general response to your post: the caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.

Teepa Snow is an expert in dementia and has lots of great education for caregivers on her YouTube channel.

Who is your Grandmother's PoA? Does she have one? If not, ideally she should create one so that she can continue to receive care by her family. She needs to be encouraged to do this before her dementia advances to the point where she legally cannot create one. If there's no PoA and her health/living conditions worsen to the point of crisis and she resists help, then eventually the county will need to acquire guardianship and then they make all the decisions, not the family.

I'm hoping that your family is paying you a realistic wage for your services? If not, they should be. And there should be a written employment contract. You're not just "watching out for Gramma", you are a full-on caregiver which has a lot of responsibility. Burn out is a real thing. Do you have days off? Blocks of time off for vacation? Sick days? Work no more than 40 hours? Who will care for Gramma if you need a sick day? If you don't come at this as an employee, your family will (consciously or unconsciously) take advantage of your free "help" yet it will come at a cost to YOU. You are too young to be roped into being the "solution" for Gramma's care. Please read some of the other posts on the Burnout topic on this forum. I wish you much wisdom and courage as you work out this arrangement with your family.

Great advice from the previous answers. I just want to add that when my mom had to live with me, she was 86 at the time, her behavior was very similar to your grandmother’s. Her health declined after a couple years and I had to put her in a nursing home where her negative demeanor quickly led to a prescription for Lexapro. Both her health and attitude improved considerably after that. As an outpatient, her sweetened behavior in the doctor’s office didn’t compel that prescription, and I couldn’t convince her to ask for an antidepressant.

Newhere, if you’re this challenged after 4 months, then this is NOT the role for you. Reconvene with the family about the timing of your exit and move on.

Here is a great video to watch. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7a0HjVlD7g

My stress level was reaching the cieling almost every day for seven years. After watching and putting into practice the advice on this video my stress level is down to my ankles.

If she makes threats, get out a camera and film it. When she asks what you are doing just inform her you are collecting evidence so it is not her word ( lies, lies and more lies ) against yours. Then inform her that unless she apologizes and makes an attitude change you will be out in two hours.

Then, back it up.

Of course it is best to inform her doctor that you are going to do this and you will notify them before you leave ( or else you may be charged with elder abuse and reckless endangerment, it has happened her a few times with other caregivers ).

You are young and have a life and opportunity to take while you can. There is a huge age difference and older people are often selfish and want what they want and don't care about the rest. I would do the following.....once she starts in (assuming you spoke to the doctor first to see if something can calm her down), I would one last time explain why you need your space. Set definite boundaries with no if's, and's or but's.....she lived her life. Tell her that. If possible find a caretaker to amuse her. If she flatly keeps on misbehaving, no matter the reason, just walk away and do your thing. And if that does not work, you must find a way to get her placed. Do not let her control you - you come first at this point.

Like many others here have said, you have a life ahead of you and need to find alternatives. She could live another ten years! You can’t live like this. Then where would you be. You are in a difficult position since you are so much younger—it’s easy for her to be so dismissive of you. Start to create boundaries. Call your local Area Agency on Aging for ideas and support. Get Power of Attorney drawn up while she’s fairly well together. Maybe she will qualify for aids to come in periodically to give respite though it sounds like she’ll be really cranky about it. Keep us posted and don’t hesitate to come back to let us know how you’re doing! Good luck!

Those elders who gripe loudest about going into managed care are the same ones who harp on being B-O-R-E-D all the time, expecting one person to be their entertainment committee 24/7. Think about it; such a demand is totally unrealistic and outrageous, yet here you are, expected to be a one-man juggling act for a 'lonely' elder who's 'bored' but refusing to move into a situation where she'd have people to socialize with all day long, activities to participate in all day long, meals served to her all day long, etc etc.

I want to win the lottery too, but that ain't happenin' either.

My advice is to move out and on with your life. Grandma needs to move into managed care where she can be 'bored' and complain to the other residents who will all agree with her that there's 'nothing to do' in this place and 'the food is horrrrrrrrible' too.

The common problem that most caregivers share, is the fact that they are related to the patient. They are spouses, children, grand-children, in-laws, nephews, nieces, etc. The family connection interferes with having a detached judgement and appraisal of the entire situation. Profesional caregivers function a lot better because they don't have this problem. Unfortunately not many can afford to hire professionals. In the case of caregivers who are children, they still respect their parents and are afraid to contradict them. They still see their parents as authority figures. Please be aware of this and try to deal with your patient in the most detached way possible.

Newhere: Imho, you CANNOT nor should not be your grandmother's entertainment committee as you are doing everything else. Ergo, wherein lies the time or energy? There is none.

Newhere, are you being paid?

Kudos to you for being able to survive on your own since age 15 and for enduring what seems like very difficult family circumstances with both your compassion and integrity intact. That said, I am concerned you may be letting yourself be taken advantage of as a result of all that you’ve been through.

I think you have to be honest with her. It's the best policy, really.
Calmly let her know it bothers you if it's possible to have a nice conversation with her.
Does she read? That will keep her occupied for a couple hours so you can be free for awhile. That and Bette Davis movies work for my situation.

Your grandmother may be suffering from mental health issues as well as her physical health issues. The fact she has burnt out so many family members says there is some negative behaviors that must be dealt with. For her part, get her in to see a geriatric psychiatrist. For your part, create a plan for dealing with her negative behavior (boundary setting). I like the books by Townsend and Cloud on boundaries since they have a good method for creating such a plan that deals with negative behavior kindly.

I would also suggest that you enlist more help in caring for your grandmother. Ask family, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help to assist you. The goal is to give you "time off" to meet your basic needs and also have time with friends doing things you enjoy.

My own mom is constantly complaining about boredom and loneliness. She lives alone and will not consider any caregivers. Forget a nursing home or assisted living. She is a private person, and will not make any effort to reach out to people. When I ask her what she feels the solution is to her loneliness, her answer is "I want my (died in 2009) husband back". She won't even call her siblings because she doesn't want to "bother them". They do call her. One lives too far away to visit more than 1-2x a year, and her other is 94. He lives in town, but currently can't visit her due to his own health. It's truly maddening, but sometimes you just have to let them stew in their own juices.

That quick change of temperament happened to me, once I got married. We were high school sweethearts, and his mom had always been very kind and friendly to me. After the wedding, she made it clear that there were 'rules' for me to follow. Weekly phone calls from her son, and overnight visits every weekend. Everything is 'fine' or 'nice' or 'good.' Etc. Turmoil when my husband made it clear that was not going to happen.
You had clear intentions when you made the decision. Now that you know more, you realize you need to make a different decision.
Are there family. members who did care for her and stepped back that would be willing to work with you in coming up with a plan of hired assistance and support you and her in getting services in place? Living with her may work out, with more structure and boundaries.

It'snot easy mentally or physically. I did not see that you said anywhere that she had any cognitive issues other than those you get when aging. My mother does not have any issues other than standard memory loss she's 88. She has always been negative, I got her crossword puzzle books and sometimes kids crafts. I have told her things like after your movie we are turning iff the tv and doing this. Or I take her in excursions... yes she complains all the way there but in the end she always enjoys herself. I am the only who does anything for her (8of us). I had to take the kid gloves off and be stern with her and explain.... I'm the only one Emin to take care of you so unless you want to to a facility you need to meet me half way. May not be the ideal way...... but we were neve an ideal family and she was truely a bad mom. But I'm trying to keep her at home as long as I can with her ailments is getting harder to care for her...... good luck

I feel the same way. Mom lives with me. She used to be my best friend. I need to get her out of her room (this changed recently, like a month ago) she won't make her breakfast. (toast and eggs) so I have to do this. No big deal, I don't mind.
It's all so new to me! She's 83. Seems happy. But she gets angry if I push her.
The meanness is absolutely horrifying. I get what you're saying.
I don't know what goes inside their heads.
It's easy to lose your patience. I lose my mind often.... and I am only 21 years difference) and still working. It's tough. You wrote this last December. How is Grandma now?

OP, why are you even in this position for a GRANDMA? Where are her actual children? Who is POA?

Next time she says "you don't like it here, then leave' then take her up on it.