My mom is currently in a short-term assisted living facility almost 1,000 miles away from where I live. She had surgery in early August which left her very weak and unable to walk by herself. Since then, her husband, my stepfather, passed away unexpectedly. His son lives in the area where my mom is currently living. After his dad passed, he got into his files and took all of the important paperwork about his father and my mother. He said he would provide me with my mother’s original paperwork or at least copies, but last time I went down for a visit he said on the last night I was there that he didn’t feel comfortable providing me with this paperwork without my mother's specific instructions which he could’ve easily asked for earlier in the day or earlier in the week.
Can I trust him? He currently holds all of my mother’s financial accounts, mail, will, as well as paperwork naming me as POA. He has access to my mothers lock box at the bank because his father’s name was on it as well, and he knows everyone in the small town where she lives. He is paying my Mom’s bills with her account, although I have offered on multiple occasions to help out.
How can I gain control of my mothers accounts and belongings so that I can ensure that she is properly taken care of and not taken advantage of by this person that I honestly don’t know very well. My stepfather’s will is in probate & I have no idea what it says. I feel lost & unable to protect my mother.
So check your files, see if you have a copy, the name of the lawyer who drew it up should be there and you can contact them to see if they have a copy.
Get an elder attorney ASAP to meet with your mom and get her wishes... hopefully, your step brother is trustworthy and looking out for your mom’s best interest.
Sounds like I need to get an elder attorney though.
Can an attorney be hired to protect your mom's interests going forward? Her stepson's lack of transparency is worrisome. He should not have been allowed access to the safety deposit box. His father's death doesn't give him the right to access a safety deposit box. I would get your mom an advocate.
The paperwork naming you as POA seems to me to be the one most important point. You are sure it's there, are you? How come? If you were told about it, why were you not also given a copy?
It should be obvious, on what level can it NOT be obvious, that the principal is happy for the person she herself has given POA to see that paperwork. What conceivable scruple could your stepbrother have about handing this over?
Having said that, I wouldn't leap automatically to mistrust. Your stepbrother's excuse could be the result of disorganisation, or confusion about what he's meant to be doing and in what order; and given that if you don't know him very well then he can't know you very well either, it could also be that he does have some anxieties about what you might get up to. You both want reassuring.
Plus, he's just been unexpectedly bereaved. He's probably not at his best all round.
I should give him a friendly call. First ask how he's doing, and listen properly to the answer. Next ask if he has had a chance to go through your parents' papers (note, parents plural. Focus on this all being a joint enterprise). Explain that you are anxious to take up your mother's care, and that as she appointed you this is your responsibility, and therefore you require that document a.s.a.p. See how it goes, and make allowances for his situation, before you get heavy. And don't get into a dispute: if you're really not getting anywhere, your next step is legal advice.
Also. How do you plan to walk the walk and take over your mother's care adequately from 1000 miles away? Let's say you decide you're not happy for your stepbrother to stay involved. Then what? I suppose I'm saying that if you can't trust him your mother's in real trouble and you'd better have a plan.
You give good advice, and I have tried to approach with compassion as he just lost his father.
My plan is to bring my Mom to where I am. Depending on how she progresses in the rehab facility, I may need to modify my current house or move. I am also looking into short term care facilities near me in that case. My step-brother has a room for her on the first floor if she regains her ability to walk, but she has expressed a desire to live where I am living so I am here for her to make that happen. She currently is getting regular visits from friends in her area, but I know those visits tend to dwindle over time, and I don't want her to end up feeling completely alone.