My mom passed away a few months ago, and I feel terribly sad. Also, I feel worse for having lost my temper along the way of being her caregiver. She had lots of mobility issues and I just couldn’t take on all the extra things that she wanted from me as I also had a full-time job I worked at home. Also to make matters worse I put her in the rehab center for what I thought was only going to be a few weeks, which turned out to be over a month and she got sick and there went to the hospital and passed away, so I am living with a lot of extra guilt for that as well. I just am having trouble moving past all of it and her not being around makes it even more difficult as I lost my dad when I was young and I lost both siblings and sister-in-law‘s over the last few years , so it’s always been just me.
Thanks so much.
I remember back when my Dad had a heart attack, once back at his home I moved his recliner so it would be closer to the power room as he was still very weak. Mom wasn't a happy camper because the recliner didn't look good in that location, yada, yada, yada. I recalled saying to her "it's not all about you, Mom". Did I regret saying that to her? No, she was acting spoiled.
If we kept it bottled up, it wouldn't have been good for our own health.
I think I never had patience in totality, but when things started going really badly and work was just so stressful. I just took it out on anything and everything which is my downfall at my age. It’s hard to learn, but trying the best I can. Thank you for your lovely words.
In my opinion, when our number is up, it's up. You had nothing to do with mom dying at the time she did, that was God calling her home because her number came up. Why beat yourself up about such a thing?
You did more for your mom than most others do, and that's the truth! I grew up in a house where my mother screamed bloody murder at her mother constantly. Unless you did THAT, you're ok. 😊
Speak to mom NOW. Tell her you're sorry for being short with her, and that you miss her terribly. Then look for signs that she's still with you now, just in a different way. She can still hear you, and feel your love. It's an unbreakable bond that transcends death and is eternal.
Forgive yourself and move on. And if you cannot, get therapy so you can. You've been a good daughter and you did enough. Believe it.
Carrie, my condolences for the losses you’ve suffered both recently and over the years. Thinking of you. 😊
Try using prayer to find peace. It'll probably take more than one prayer session. But, after a week or two you're likely to see some changes.
In the mean time, Satan and his legion will continue to play tricks on you to cause chaos and strife. In your prayers ask for a hedge of protection against his negativity.
I can guarantee that God loves you. There's something called 'agape love' that transcends our comprehension. We can't earn His love or disqualify ourselves from it. He gives it freely. All we have to do is accept it.
It's been 6 yrs since I lost my wife of 52 yrs. As I reflected on our life after her death, I realized there were times I wasn't the husband I should have been. Anger, intolerance, for example, things I said, and things I didn't say, all led to some serious regrets. I thought then "Why now am I finally realizing that? It's too late to correct my mistakes." But the facilitator of the support group I was attending after my wife's death, said it's not too late. Tell her now she said. How could I tell her now? But I went to her grave anyway and poured out my regrets and asked for her forgiveness. Did she hear me? I'll never know. But it was a cathartic experience for ME! I got it out of my system and hoped she did hear me. After over 6 yrs, I still occasionally visit her grave and tell her about what's going on in the family, especially about the grandkids. Perhaps she already knows.
If you can't visit her grave, write a letter expressing your regrets. As others have said, caring for a loved one is never perfect. It's mentally and physically exhausting. It's no wonder any number of triggers can set us off at the drop of a pin. So forgive yourself. Your caregiving role is over. Replace any guilt with gratitude. I wish you peace.
Seriously, your mind will go, in your grief, to something to blame. We blame all kinds of things. Mostly we blame doctors and hospitals and nurses and caregiver staff for "missing things" and hospice for "killing". But sometimes, when there's nothing else we turn the blame to ourselves. That blaming ourselves lets us have some sort of belief that things might have been different. Grief counselors tell us that this sort of blame gives us a way to pass to the next stages of grief, because acceptance of a hard loss is so final we simply cannot yet face it.
I will be honest with you. I had marvelous relationships and journeys with both my parents and with my beloved brother during their final illnesses and their loss. I felt relief when they were gone, knowing they would not have to struggle any more and I would not have to stand witness, and knowing I did the best I could. BUT if I am ever in a bad mood the SINGLE time I had to tell my mom "no" and the SINGLE time I had words with my brother come back in to try to haunt me.
I just now can shake my head and say "Ohhhhhh, Moommmmm" Or "Oh, Dee......." with such mourning that I did that, BUT I can also forgive myself. And I DO know that I did my best. And that they knew that.
It's clear you were a good and loving person. And if you were also one who lost her temper? That means you are a human being. Do, when you remember this, try to turn your thinking to celebrating the loving time. Do get help if you need it. And do remember you are normal...you are doing what good people do, mourning a shortcoming. Please take care of yourself. Time is perhaps the only healer.
thank you for listening