I am looking for advice - my mother passed away 6 months ago. My Dad has dementia and within the last month has begun to ask where Mom is or if the family can help him call her. Reminders of her passing result in recall followed by self-deprecation on how stupid he is to forget her death. Frustration soon follows.
What is the best way to handle this? Continual reminders or redirection? Any advice would be appreciated.
She is not here right now, she went:
Shopping
Hair dresser
Doctor
Store
Church
Lunch with her girlfriends
Then change the subject.
To tell a person with dementia that the person they are asking about has died just lets them relive the death again and again as it is the first time they have heard about the death. I can not imagine how emotionally painful this would be.
Follow up questions are answered. Never has she looked for proof. This is all just a very sick brain making everything easier for the person. They need the comfort because their brain is hurt and things get scary and confusing and if your dad needs to believe your mom is alive LET HIM. It hurts at first (you because you know the truth) but the lie is the nicest thing you can do.
1.) Lie to them, making up something to explain the absense like shopping etc
2.) Tell them the truth, every time, prove it with photos or trip to grave as neee and deal with the sadness, every time
3.) Ignore it and try to distract them with other things etc
They are all workable solutions but which one or which combination of these works best for you is likely going to be trial and error. The thing is, since your loved one is likely to forget again anyway, you can experiment with all the suggestions and find the one that best suits both your needs and the needs of your loved one.
Continual reminders won't help. Because of his memory loss, every time you tell your dad that your mom passed away, it's new information to him. He has to process it again, experience the emotions again and then feel guilt because he didn't remember. It's important to address the question in some way because this validates him. Once you address it, you can redirect.
See All Answers