Rick is not accepting the changes in his ability to tackle projects and participate in certain activities- such as driving. He has been more aggressive & combative- insisting that he takes on challenges which are no longer safe for him. I would love some insight as to how to most effectively handle these challenges. His stubbornness has put a strain on our relationship.
In January of 2020 my appointment still cleared me for driving. The first Saturday in March, I told my DW I was hanging up the keys, knowing it was going to increase the load on my DW. I told her I'd continue to do all of the things . I have been doing to help out like our laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, when she returns from shopping, I meet her in the garage and we wipe down all of the groceries with Clorox wipes. I'll also cook if I am not alone our youngest is 13 and quite the cook and baker, so as long as she or one of our adult children are in the house, I'll do some simple cooking hot dogs, burgers, past, make salads. These are many of the things we, meaning, the patients can do to lighten the load on our Dear Caregivers. We agreed at the beginning of this journey if I was doing something that wasn't safe, whether it is my DW or children, they are to tell me if I am doing something that isn't safe, and I stop and turn it over to whoever is available. No arguments, however I do draw the line when we are out and paying for a service, and the service is lousy, and nothing is being done to correct the problem, I don't hold back, I've been known to be occasionally disputatious. HA!!!
My recommendation is when our Loved Ones and we patients receive our diagnosis, I learned from this Forum, address the issue of driving up front, discuss things that our Loved One can do to contribute to the household, which will bolster self image of being able to contribute. what plans they'd like to make regarding future Memory Care, Estate Planning, Medical Directives and divest ones self from managing money. There can be severe consequences from continuing to drive, leaving the stove on, I've done that, sending out checks in the wrong envelopes to our creditors. Done that. I've turned the bills and money management over to my DW, and one of our Adult Children who is finishing up his Degree in Finance, and Accounting. I am allowed to keep 300.00 a month from my SS disability and when I want to buy something, someone will take me to the bank to get some spending money. That allows me to be involved with and have some interaction with others. I also continue to Usher at Mass each week, and meet a friend once a week to discuss Politics and Religion over breakfast or lunch, I also volunteer to wash dishes at our Senior Luncheon at Church and at my Knights of Columbus Council. I've told friends at these functions about my diagnosis, and they are not afraid to tell me I'm not doing something I should be doing, or repeating myself. I know I am on the horizon of having to pare back some of my activities, and I've told my friends, they are welcome to tell me if they think I am out of my depth.
Caregivers, speak up and have these conversations as soon as you have answers in your hands. Those that are young, make financial plans, discuss how you'd like medical decisions to be made, and be frank about your wishes. This will all help lighten the load on our families. Pray for your families, friends and community.
John
When my husband had his massive stroke at the young age of 48, and lost his ability to walk, talk, read and write, you better believe that he was mad as hell, and ended up with depression, and at one point was actually suicidal. He eventually did learn how to walk again with a brace and cane, and his speech came back in the form of a few words and short sentences. During that whole time, I just tried to remain patient, and let him know that I was there for him, and wasn't going anywhere.
As time went by my husband faced many, many more challenges, including seizures, several surgeries, and then eventually developing vascular dementia, and aspiration pneumonia, where he almost died. Believe it or not, it was his stubbornness that actually got him through everything that he had been through. Something that over time I learned to admire about him.
So I guess I will say to you, to just be patient with him and love him, and make sure you are taking care of yourself, and getting some breaks from your husband. And remember that as our LO's decline they do tend to mirror our attitudes as well, so it's important that you stay positive and calm, so your husband will do the same. Now I'm not saying that any of this is easy, but it will make your life a little easier if you can just remember that his anger is not about you, but the changes that he is going through. I'm sure he's scared. You would be too.
And if things get to be just too much for you to handle, of course you have the option of placing him in a facility. Unfortunately there are no easy answers. Being a caregiver is hard. No if ands or buts about it. But remember that life is short, and this too shall pass, one way or another. So again I will say, love your husband to the best of your ability and be patient with him, and try to enjoy whatever time you have left with him. My husband died 7 weeks ago today, and I would give anything to just have one more hug from him. God bless you.
I am so sorry for your recent loss of Larry. You will be rewarded for the many years of caring, compassion and love you gave him. I, too, would give anything to have one more hug.
Also discuss with the doctor the increased agitation and aggressiveness that he is experiencing. If he is on medication for depression and or anxiety it might be time to have the doctor review them and see if an adjustment should be made either in dose or medication.
Can you give him other tasks that he can take on a bit easier?
*Is there a piece of furniture that you want refinished? (or that you don't care about) Let him start to sand it. If that goes well how about staining it or painting it.
*Are there boxes in the attic or basement that need to be gone through? Great time to do so now.
*Planting fall bulbs for spring flowers.
*Is there an Adult Day Care that is open where you are? Is he a candidate for that?
If the Dementia that he has is Lewy Body Dementia aggression can be part of it and it can be potentially dangerous for you so please take care of yourself.
While I do not have any experience with any form of dementia during my caregiving days, I do have experience with Parkinson’s disease.
My mom has Parkinson’s disease. So, I can empathize with you. Parkinson’s disease is dreadful.
You certainly have your hands full. It’s hard to be a caregiver. No one is ever truly prepared for a caregiver role.
Of course your husband’s driving days are over. You know this. It isn’t safe for him or others on the road. It has to be so frustrating for you that he isn’t accepting his fate.
Dementia is complicating things further. He may no longer have the ability to reason about serious issues.
Have you told his doctor about his aggressive and stubborn behavior? If so, what feedback have you received?
Do you get a break? Too much togetherness can wear on anyone in any circumstances.
There are many on this forum that have experience with dementia and they will help you.
Wishing you and your husband all the best during this very challenging situation.
We were lucky in that my mom's car stopped working. Karma took over Ma's car.
In fact, in a book I wrote about taking care of her, I have a chapter entitled, "Karma, I mean Car-Ma." I wonder if the facility where your husband is could find activities for him to do, so he'd be occupied, and forget about driving. Maybe he could write down some recollections about his life, and then you could publish it, either with a print on demand publishing company or just by stapling pages together, or maybe he could dictate this into a tape recorder. It would keep his mind going, even if his recollections might not be 100% accurate, (as was the case with my mom). She'd tell me stories that I know were made up, but, that was fine. I had to "steer" her away from thoughts of a steering wheel.
See All Answers